Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Mitcherooney]

So a certain Mrs Brown went see her doctor - she wasn't feeling well.
"Doctor, I feel so run down. my back aches,my legs ache and I seem to be always short of breath", sge says.
"Well let's have a look at you" says the doctor. And with that he gives her a full examination.
He sits back in his chair, and with a smile says, "I am pleased to tell that there's nothing wrong with you Mrs Brown. You're two months pregnant".
"Oh , that's not possible. I had a hysterectomy five years ago", and she says, "I want a second opinion" and gets up to leave. "All right", says the doctor,"You've got a broken leg"

 

[neilf]

Another Bob Monkhouse one:

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my father.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.



Sent from my iPad using Mac-Forums

I remember this joke from old. I tried to tell my wife the joke but failed. I couldn’t stop laughing.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Yesterday, an attractive blonde woman had a flat tire on Interstate 90 in Eastern Washington. So she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

She took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

Cars started slowing down looking at her lifelike men which made it safer for her to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking toward the woman. She could tell he wasn’t a happy camper!

What's going on here, he asked?

My car has a flat tire, she said calmly.

Well, he asked, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?

She couldn't believe that he didn't know - so she told him,

Hellooo! Those are my emergency flashers!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

After he took the pills, the bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine !

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

My motorcycle wouldn't start today, can't figure out why.
Got lucky though.

 

[Jonzjob]

A woman in her fifties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts"
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."

 

[Mitcherooney]

So, it was typical day in an English pub.
A man strolled in, ordered a beer and looked around the place and noticed a huge German Shepherd dog lying in the corner.
'A fine looking dog you've got there, boss', says the man.
'Old Rex, he sure is,' says the landlord. 'It's fearless. Keeps strangers away when I'm not around. Fights off other dogs too'
'I've got dog as well' .says the man. 'It would sort your dog out, I'm sure'
'No chance of that' says the landlord. 'What sort of dog is yours?'
'It's a long-nosed, long-tailed, short-legged Mexican terrier.' says the man. 'Never heard of it' replies the landlord. 'What was it called, again?'
It's a long-nosed, long tailed, short-legged Mexican terrier.'
'Well,whatever it is, it wouldn't stand a chance against old Rex there'
A heated argument follows, and they finally agreed to put them to the test in the pub car park the following Sunday after the pub has closed.
The man turns up with his long-nosed, long-tailed short-legged Mexican terrier and the landlord is there with the fearsome Rex.
To cut a long story short, they dogs are put together and very quickly, poor old Rex is there, whimpering in the corner, looking very sorry himself.
'OK, you win says the landlord. First time that's happened. What sort of dog is that, agai?'
It's a long-nosed, long-tailed, short-legged Mexican Terrier' says the man.
'Some people call them crocodiles'.

Feel free to use this joke at your next barbecue, Bar Mitzvah, wedding or funeral - there's no copyright.....

 

[Jonzjob]

A true story.

When my daughter was about 5 years old we were taking out chocolate Labrador for a walk and a bloke with a Yorkshire terrier came towards us. The Yorkie got very excited and yapped and snarled at our lab. My little girl looked at the rat-on-a-lead and said to the bloke at the other end of the string and told him to control his dog before it killed ours! He just looked at me and said that she was obviously a stupid child and that a Yorkie couldn't possibly kill a labrador!

She, without any hesitation said "of course it can, it could get stuck in our labs throat"!"

I just looked around for a hole to crawl in to!

 

[pm-r]

She, without any hesitation said "of course it can, it could get stuck in our labs throat"!"

I just looked around for a hole to crawl in to!

Smart child, and no reason for you to have to look around for a hole to crawl into.

I can't stand those yappy rat-on-a-lead types, but I do like the description. So fitting!!!


- Patrick
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[Mitcherooney]

If it's yappy, it's the owner's fault. Long time ago I bred and kept Yorkies, never an issue. Of course, we are British and that might make a difference.......

 

[Jonzjob]

A good friend of mine used to have a Yorkie called Poppy. She was tiny with the heart of a lion and a lovely little dog. It's the other types I can't handle, any small yappy dog. I agree and it's like small children, it's normally the owner's fault

 

[Randy B. Singer]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who were members of our church and died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 8:00 or the 11:00 service?

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Husband: You are negative.

Wife: ...and you are stubborn, arrogant, and a low life. Care about no one except your self, all you are interested in is your own self and your friends. All your life you have not fulfilled one of your promises. It is only I who would put up with such an insensitive man. You good for nothing, fat and ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.

Husband: I was just informing you that your Covid 19 test came back negative.

Wife: Ohh Sorry.

 

[Rod]

My autocorrect on Brave browser stopped working today and I was reminded of this little poem my wife sent me. I get a laugh every time I read it, I hope others will too.

 

[pm-r]

My autocorrect on Brave browser stopped working today and I was reminded of this little poem my wife sent me. I get a laugh every time I read it, I hope others will too.

Always an enjoyable read... Thanks.


- Patrick
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[Jonzjob]

I would like to send everyone a special greeting on this special day, Good Friday, from my lovely Easter bunnies.



Oh dear! They seem to have something else on their minds, but

A Very Happy Easter from me anyway.

 

[Mitcherooney]

Here's one.....

[dead image link removed]

 

[pm-r]

Here's one.....

[dead image link removed]

Well... it might have been funny If it actually worked... ?

Oops! We ran into some problems.

The requested page could not be found.

So shows the Webpage...

- Patrick

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[chscag]

I guess the joke is on us.

I get the same thing when trying to view the attachment.

 

[pm-r]

I guess the joke is on us.

I get the same thing when trying to view the attachment.

Phew... Glad to read that it's not just me and my old Mavericks OS X iMac that displayed the problem... ?

And it's no joke that I cannot get the Canadian TaxFreeway for Mac 2020.app Income tax software to work and auto-fill properly on neither of my iMac running Mavericks nor on my Wife's iMac running El Capitan.

I suspect It's something to do with the CRA server and something the government has screwed up.

But I'm getting off-topic here... And that's no joke...


- Patrick
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