Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Mitcherooney]

OK, so I bungled. I'll try to do it again tomorrow. It involves a bit of work, but it will be worth the wait.....

Fingers crossed

 

[Jonzjob]

That's funny? I can't get the link to work either

Oh! Does that mean that that's the joke? Must be Saturday morning ? :-0

 

[pm-r]

OK, so I bungled. I'll try to do it again tomorrow. It involves a bit of work, but it will be worth the wait.....

Fingers crossed

Is this it...???

 

[Mitcherooney]

Here's the missing joke:


The Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time.

But there was no answer
from his new pet


This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?”

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.

So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted

"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to
Church with me
and learn about God?"

This time,
a little voice came out of the box
"I heard you the first time...

I'm putting my shoes on!

 

[pm-r]

Here's the missing joke:

Sorry, but I dare say that that wasn't really worth waiting for... Maybe next time...


- Patrick
=======

 

[MacInWin]

Oh, I don't know, I liked it.

 

[IWT]

I liked it too. C'mon guys, it was fun. And clean and didn't mention gender or any of the other things we have to watch out for

Ian

 

[Jonzjob]

You didn't say if it was a mail or femail centripead Mitch?

 

[Mitcherooney]

You can please some of the people some of the time etc....

 

[IWT]

You didn't say if it was a mail or femail centripead Mitch?

You mean a postal centipede, John?

Ian

 

[pm-r]

You can please some of the people some of the time etc....

Sorry, Mitch,
I guess I was just expecting something sort of Super Special... just by going on the pre-announcement... Other than that, It was sort of cute and gave me a bit of a chuckle... ?

OK, so I bungled. I'll try to do it again tomorrow. It involves a bit of work, but it will be worth the wait.....

- Patrick
=======

 

[chscag]

Here's one for you folks who have dealt with Tech Support one time or another:

The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, DesperateBe careful of which tech support you choose.Love to AllMom/Grandma/ Ant Jody/Jo

The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.

In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

 

[Randy B. Singer]

The Centipede
...
I'm putting my shoes on!

That reminds me of an old joke!

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a new pet. After a few minutes of browsing around, she's not impressed by what she finds. She's about to walk out, until she looks behind the sales counter and spots the most unusual bird she's ever seen. She asks the salesman what it is.

"Oh, that's a crunch bird!" he says.

"Crunch bird? Never heard of it. What does it do?" she asks.

"Just watch!" he says as he opens the cage. "Crunch bird, chair!" He points to a wooden chair in the corner of the store. The bird flies out of the cage and heads straight for it. Within a matter of seconds, it's reduced to a pile of sawdust.

The woman is impressed, but asks for another demonstration.

"Crunch bird, desk!" the salesman says, pointing at a nearby desk. Once again, the bird aims straight for it, and turns it to dust in a matter of seconds.

"I'll take him!" the woman says.

He tells her it's not for sale, but she begs and tells him money is no object. Finally put in a corner, he accepts her offer, and she takes the bird home.

Her husband arrives home from work a while later and immediately spots the cage.

"What the **** kinda bird is that?" he asks.

"It's a crunch bird!" she says.

He's not impressed.

"Oh yeah? Crunch bird, my ass!"

 

[Randy B. Singer]

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps down, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens the front door and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and yells at the guy: “What the **** are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

 

[Mitcherooney]

So this chap went into a pet shop.

"Can I help you?" says the owner.

“Well, I was married for over 40 years”, says the man. “I’ve recently become widowed and I need something to help me get over my loss. I really would like some sort of pet - something to curl up by my feet by the fireside at the end of the day. I was thinking about a dog or a cat”.

“Oh you don’t want a dog”, says the shopkeeper. They’re dirty, smelly things. They make a mess everywhere, and besides which you have to take them out for walks in the freezing cold, the rain and the snow. More trouble than they are worth. No, you don’t want a dog.

As for cats, they just want food. You open the door to let them in. They eat, and then then they start scratching at your best furniture to be let out again. When they do return, it”s with a dead mouse or bird in their mouth. Worst of all, cats”

“What would you recommend, then?” says the customer.

“I’ve got the very thing right here”, came the reply. And with that, the shopkeeper reaches under the counter and produces fine Art Deco box.

He opens the box and displays an earwig. “Here we go, says the man. A fine looking specimen. He’ll keep you company all right”

The customer is aghast. “An earwig won’t curl up by the fireside, will it?"

“Oh, it will”, says the shopkeeper. Just make sure that you push it close enough”



With apologies to all earwig lovers

 

[Mitcherooney]

A different bloke walks ithe same pet shop.

“Well, I was married for over 40 years”, says the man. “I’ve recently become widowed and I need something to help me get over my loss. I really would like some sort of pet to keep me company.”

“I’ve got the very thing - I have budgerigar (parakeet for our American friends) - talks all the time - just the job to keep you company.”

“Sounds fine,” says the man. How much is it?”

“Well, this is is a fine example of Melopsittacus undulatus. It comes from a long line of champion talkers. I really do recommend it.”

“OK” says the man. “How much is it?”

“I couldn’t let it go for less than £150, I’m afraid” says the shopkeeper.

“What, a £150 for a budgie - that’s crazy”

That’s the best that I can do sir for a fine talker such as that.”

‘Well, I suppose I’ll take it” says the man.

“Of course, you’ll need a cage for it. I’ve got some top of the range cages right here”, says the pet shop owner. “Here’s one that I recommend - three foot high and four feet in diameter. Naturally, the more room they have, the more relaxed they become. All heps with the talking”

“Nice cage -how much is it?” says the customer.

“Yes, it really is a lovely cage, one of the best you can buy. Hand crafted by elderly ladies in a small village in the mountains of Sardinia”

“I understand, but how much is it?, asks the man.

“The Five Star Budgerigar (parakeet) Mansion de Luxe is £500”

“What £500 for a budgie cage? That’s crazy.”

“Ah, but you must recognise that only the best would be appropriate for a quality bird such as that.”

“Mmm,” says the man. “If it will chat to me and keep me company, then I’ll have it”

“A wise decision”, says the shopkeeper.

The customer hands over the £650 and proudly walks out the shop with his new pet,

The following morning, he walks back into the shop. “I’m really disappointed - I bought this budgie for £150 and a cage for £500 and I haven’t heard a cheep out of it.”

“That’s really strange” says the shopkeeper. “It chattered all day long here.

I suppose you’ve got a mirror in the cage?”

“Well, actually no, I don’t says” the man.

“Oh, you need a mirror. They see their reflection and it sets them off. Then it’ll talk all day long. I’ve got some here, I think... ah yes, my last one. They’re very popular.”

“How much is it?” says the man.

“You have to bear in mind that this particular mirror has the glass made from the finest sand from the beaches of Vanuatu and the frame is manufactured from A grade recycled plastic.”

”OK”’ says the man,”but how much is it?

“This particular mirror, the Sparkle de Lumiere, is a mere £75.

What, £75 for a mirror?

Just think what you are getting, sir. The finest budgie mirror money can buy.”

The man sighs. “All right. I’ll take it
He returns the following day. “This darned bird I had from you that cost me £150, a cage for 500 and a mirror for £75 and still no sound at all from the blessed thing.”

“Well usually, when it climbs up the ladder and bashes the bell with his head, the chime gets them going. You do have a ladder with a bell, don’t you?”

“Well, no I don’t. Is there any chance, however remote, that you happen to sell them?”

“As a matter of fact, now you mention it, we do.”

“I’ll take one” says the man.

“Good decision” says the shopkeeper. “It’s manufactured from the finest...”

“I don’t care, just let me have one”.

“Certainly, that’s £125”

What, £125 for a ladder with a bell on the top? Never mind I’ll take it. And with that, he leaves the shop.

The following day, he returns to the shop, fuming, “Remember me” he says. “Yes, sir - you bought a budgie (parakeet), didn’t you?_

Yes, I did. It cost me £150. Then I bought cage for £500. And then a mirror was £75. After all that it was £125 for a ladder!

“With a bell, sir”

Well this morning it fell off its perch and died.

It only said one thing before it snuffed it.

“What was that, sir?”

“Haven’t you got any bloody budgie seed?”

 

[Jonzjob]

On that sad note.

Do you know that nothing will succeed like a budgie without a beak?

 

[chscag]

For those of us "Americanos" who may not know what a budgie is:

The budgerigar is a long-tailed, seed-eating parrot usually nicknamed the budgie, or in American English, the parakeet. Budgies are the only species in the genus Melopsittacus. Naturally, the species is green and yellow with black, scalloped markings on the nape, back, and wings.

 

[Mitcherooney]

Note to our American readers..... Courgettes are Zucchini...



Then there’s the one about the market trader - a greengrocer (he sells fruit and vegetables), all beautifully laid out on display.

One Monday he’s standing by his stall when he notices a little old lady rootling about his vegetables, making a mess out of it all.

The greengrocer, being a friendly sort of chap, says to her, ”Can I help you, love?”

“I’m looking for some courgettes”, she said.

“I’m sorry Darling,” he replied, “We won’t any until early next week”.

The old woman mutters under her breath and walks off.

The following day, she’s back again. And once again, she’s moving carrots, cucumbers and cabbages about all over the place.

The man comes over, a bit more sternly than before. “What are you looking for?”, says he.

“I want some courgettes”, says the little old lady.

“I did tell you yesterday that we won’t have any until next week!” says your man.

Once again, the little lady goes away, muttering.

On Wednesday, she’s back again causing an upheaval with the display.

“What do you think you are doing woman?”, says the greengrocer

“Im looking for some courgettes”, came the reply.

“Do me a favour, girl. Spell courgettes using the letter ‘f’".

The old girl thinks for a moment. There’s no ‘f’ in courgettes", she says.

The greengrocer says, "That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all week!"

 

[Randy B. Singer]

FAMOUS BEER QUOTES

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply

Sir, you're drunk! --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;
Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly. --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson