Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Randy B. Singer]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

[Mitcherooney]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A Priest and a Rabbi were having a chat. The Priest says to the Rabbi, 'Have you ever eaten bacon?' 'Well, yes' says the Rabbi. 'When I was Young man, I did indeed eat bacon' 'Have you ever had sex with a woman' enquiries the Rabbi?' 'Well, yes says the Priest, when I was Young man, I did indeed have sex with a woman. And I can tell you this, it's better than bacon.'

 

[Randy B. Singer]

*TEXT TO NEIGHBOR*

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have
been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a
moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is when you’re not around I have been sharing your wife day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently, and I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer
live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for
usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

*NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*

Fred, (feeling so angered and betrayed)...Grabbed his gun and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned
home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

*SECOND MESSAGE*

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you!
Regards, Alan

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bar tender looks at the rabbit and says "what will you have?"

The rabbit says: "I don't know. I think that the only reason that I'm here is due to auto-correct."

 

[pm-r]

*TEXT TO NEIGHBOR*

LOL!!! Excellent and so possibly true with today's technology.


- Patrick
=======

 

[Mitcherooney]

So this feller bought himself a brand new Jaguar, and he says to himself, 'Where can I give this thing a proper run so I can see just how well she goes?' Finally he decided to give it a spin on one of Ireland's country roads. He ships the car to the Emerald Isle an sets off, gradually increasing the speed as he motors along. Coming around a bend at 70mph he sees in front of him, Paddy and Mick on tractor and traile trailer coming out of a field, completely blocking his path. He wrenches the wheel round just manages to squeeze between the gate and the rear of the trailer. The car overturns a few times. The driver is thrown clear and the car comes to a stop and bursts into flames. 'Bejasus, Mick, did you see that?' Says Paddy. 'I did, I did' says Mick. 'We got out of that field just in time'.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Five Tips For A Woman

1. It is important that a man help out around the house

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important that you find a man you can count on

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men do not know each other.

 

[Mitcherooney]

There were two old guys sitting in a bar.
One says to the other, 'I'm pretty fit, I still have sex at 76'
'Really?' says the other.
'Yes, I live at 74. It's only a short walk'

 

[Randy B. Singer]

South Korean a cappella group MayTree recreate many of the most popular ringtones and sounds available on the iPhone.

 

[psycho123]

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

 

[pm-r]

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

LOL... Beautiful, just beautiful...

Does that mean he will not be able to put the gin and tonic or the nice scotch on his tab when he orders a drink at the Pearly Gate Bar & Grill???


- Patrick
=======

 

[psycho123]

LOL... Beautiful, just beautiful...

Does that mean he will not be able to put the gin and tonic or the nice scotch on his tab when he orders a drink at the Pearly Gate Bar & Grill???


- Patrick
=======

yes

 

[lclev]

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

I went through the same thing! We lost my oldest son last year - enlarged heart failure. I had to close all his accounts. I had the same issue occur with his Sprint account and the same reply. I just called them back and had my husband say he was our son and it worked. I also discovered if you go online and close a credit account computers do not care who does it!

Lisa

 

[Randy B. Singer]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER'S
Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet,
Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog
What did she think..I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load
your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger's won't let me shop there anymore

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,
and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical
college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he
could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the
results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?”

“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total grade. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which worth another 50% of the grade.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it
all through the tailpipe!"

 

[Nighthawk4]

Another Bob Monkhouse joke:

I went to my doctor. He examined me and I asked how long have I got.

He said, “10”.

I said, “10 what? Years, months, days?”

He said, “9”.



Sent from my iPad using Mac-Forums

 

[Nighthawk4]

Another Bob Monkhouse one:

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my father.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.



Sent from my iPad using Mac-Forums

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. Then says:
'Where's my toast?'

 

[Randy B. Singer]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."