Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[lclev]

The madam opened the door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The man replied, “St. Louis.” “Really,” she said. “I have family in St. Louis.”

“I know,” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

- Lisa

 

[lclev]

My husband and I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru window. I handed the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also gave her a quarter.
She said, "You gave me too much money."
I replied, "Yes, but that way you can just give me a dollar back."
She sighed, went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did, and he gave me back the 25 cents, saying, "Sorry, we don’t do that kind of thing."
Then the cashier handed me 75 cents in change.
Don’t confuse McDonald's employees, folks.

We had to get our garage door fixed. The repairman told us the problem was the motor wasn’t big enough.
I said, "We have the biggest one — a half-horsepower."
He shook his head. "No, you need a quarter-horsepower."
I said, "Half is bigger than a quarter."
He replied, "Nooo, four is bigger than two."
Yeah… we didn’t call him again.

Living in a semi-rural area, we recently got a new neighbor who called the city council to remove the Deer Crossing sign.
Reason? "Too many deer are getting hit by cars. It’s not a good crossing spot anymore."
You can’t fix stupid.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food place and ordered a taco with "minimal lettuce."
The worker said, "Sorry, we only have iceberg lettuce."

At the airport, an employee asked me, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He just smiled and said, "That’s why we ask."

I was crossing the street with a coworker who asked what the beeping pedestrian signal meant.
I said, "It helps blind people know when it’s safe to cross."
She gasped, "What are blind people doing driving?!"
She’s a government employee.

When my wife and I picked up our car from the dealership, they said the keys were locked inside.
We watched a mechanic trying to unlock the driver’s door. I tried the passenger door, and it was already unlocked.
I said, "It’s open!"
He said, "I know. I already did that side."

Stay alert, friends — they walk among us and breed.

- Lisa