Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Rod]

How old is this one, it's been going 4 generations in my family still got a laugh from my grandaughters the other day, now they're telling it:
Driving past the cemetery my Uncle said, "You know the people living on this side of the road (indicating the houses opposite the cemetery) can't be buried in this cemetery". Why's that, I ask? "Because they're not dead yet." He replied.

 

[IWT]

Still laughable. All good stories usually are.

Ian

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[lclev]

View attachment 39985

That is just sad!

Lisa

 

[Randy B. Singer]

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks it's rather odd but lets him sleep. After about an hour, the dog wakes up, walks to the door, and the guy lets him out. The dog wags its tail and leaves.

The next day, the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, and the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour, the dog wakes up, walks to the door, and the guy lets him out. The dog wags its tail and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

 

[lclev]

A woman walks into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her son’s birthday. She isn’t sure which one to get, so she randomly grabs a set and takes it to the counter.

The clerk, standing there in dark glasses, seems to be blind. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me about this rod and reel?”

He responds, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it just by the sound it makes.”

Skeptical, she drops it on the counter.

He listens for a moment and then says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. A great all-around combo, and it’s on sale this week for $20.”

Amazed, she says, “That’s incredible! I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse to get her credit card, it slips out of her hand and falls to the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” the clerk says.

She bends down to pick up the card, and in the process, accidentally lets out a little fart. Mortified, she realizes he’s blind and figures there’s no way he could know it was her.

The man finishes ringing up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50, please.”

Confused, she asks, “Wait, didn’t you say the rod and reel were $20? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

She paid the bill and left without another word.

 

[lclev]

There were two women who were complete strangers. They lived in different cities, they had never met, and had no friends or acquaintances in common. However, they had e-mail addresses that were nearly identical - just off by one letter.

The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.

The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.

Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he’s arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.

Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:

My Darling Wife,

I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.

Your loving husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.


- Lisa

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[IWT]

The "real joke" is that where I live, you don't have to drink invisible ink - it takes a very long time to be seen and longer still to to get any kind of treatment. I'm not kidding!!

Ian

 

[pm-r]

it takes a very long time to be seen and longer still to to get any kind of treatment. I'm not kidding!!

+1. And unfortunately that is often a similar situation with our local hospitals and public Clinics... :-(



- Patrick
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[Randy B. Singer]

People are becoming really old and cranky here on Mac-Forums. (I've become that way myself, and I've been working hard not to show it.) Even here in the Joke thread, people feel the need to whine and complain about things... in response to a joke for kris-sakes.

Maybe the moderators need to get together and discuss the implementation of a "no complaining about kids playing on my lawn" rule? Frankly it's becoming tiresome. (And this coming from a fellow old guy who enjoys complaining about everything...)

Maybe a solution is to create an area/thread for complaining about things (The "Kvetching Zone") and to strictly limit unproductive complaining to there?

 

[lclev]

People are becoming really old and cranky here on Mac-Forums. (I've become that way myself, and I've been working hard not to show it.) Even here in the Joke thread, people feel the need to whine and complain about things... in response to a joke for kris-sakes.

It's minor "Kvetching" and can also be seen as stating fact in some instances. I can actually say our ER is really good in my area. I live in a rural area with a small ER/medical center. I have never had to wait and had excellent care when I or one of my clan had to pay a visit. So something positive! Although I have not tried invisible ink!

Lisa

 

[MacBiter]

It's minor "Kvetching" and can also be seen as stating fact in some instances. I can actually say our ER is really good in my area. I live in a rural area with a small ER/medical center. I have never had to wait and had excellent care when I or one of my clan had to pay a visit. So something positive! Although I have not tried invisible ink!

Lisa

The price of a 'free at the point of use' health service like the NHS is that you often have to wait longer than a service you have to pay for.

 

[Jimmysb]

Please can we get back to "Joke of the Day", and discuss the NHS and other health services elsewhere - thanks you.

 

[lclev]

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.......

"This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off:

"Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s burning…It’s burning…This is going to hurt....It’s burning"

A ghostly Silence reigned!

After a couple of minutes, He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:

"I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants."

One passenger replies -

"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!

- Lisa

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[lclev]

I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her iphone. So... the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is pissed.

- Lisa