Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[IWT]

Oh; so you've been to my house?

Ian

 

[Slydude]

Oh; so you've been to my house?

Ian

Mine too.

 

[pm-r]

Mine too.

My wife finally got the drawer stickers moved to an open 1 gallon Stone crock on the counter next to the stove that now holds most such implements.


- Patrick
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[lclev]

Hillbilly Moms Letter -

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time.

Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mom

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[lclev]

I would love one of these!

-Lisa

 

[pm-r]

I would love one of these!

I find it quite interesting doing a quick Google search for such items shows what appears to be the same item selling from a low of $18 us to a higher range around $125 us... That's quite a price spread and definitely getting into the excessive price mark range.

Maybe one will show up in your local garage or sidewalk sales in your neighbourhood for a much lower and appropriate price... ?




- Patrick
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[IWT]

shows what appears to be the same item selling from a low of $18 us to a higher range around $125 us..

Maybe the dearer ones become active and lend a hand in the toileting such as wiping and washing

Ian

 

[pm-r]

Maybe the dearer ones become active and lend a hand in the toileting such as wiping and washing

We won't need that extra function thanks as we bought an above-average bidet toilet seat that does what it's supposed to do very nicely thank you.




- Patrick
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[pm-r]

I must admit I got quite a chuckle when I read this, and now we have to deal with Artificial Intelligence (AI)...






- Patrick
=======

 

[lclev]

A plane is on its way to toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? i'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. i speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."

 

[MacBiter]

(I hope this isn't interpreted as 'religion based'...!)


Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

[MacBiter]

(Another religious based one that I hope is allowed...)

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)


I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman,

P.S. (It would be a **** shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

 

[Randy B. Singer]

There was a farmer, who had three daughters. Hea really protective of them, and when he finds out that their boyfriends's are coming to take them out, he locked them in their rooms and waited at the door with a shotgun.

The first boyfriend arrives, the farmer answers the door, and the man says “I'm Jo, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?”

Seeing nothing wrong with him, he let's the first daughter go. The next boyfriend comes to pick up the second daughter. The farmer answers the door and fella says “I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, We are getting some spaghetti, is she ready?”

The farmer begins to lighten up, and let's his second daughter go. At this point he's confident that these men are good for his daughters. The third boyfriend arrives. The farmer answers the door, and the third boyfriend says :

“Hi, I'm Chuck.”

The farmer shot him immediately.

 

[MacBiter]

A vet, a priest, and a politician are travelling cross country, when they arrive at a remote farm and ask if they can stay the night. The farmer says "I've got a spare room with 2 beds - one of you will have to sleep in the barn"

The vet shrugs and says "It's my day job, I'll take the barn"

an hour later there's a hammering at the door and the farmer finds the vet there - "Your cockerel thinks it's dawn and won't stop crowing, I can't sleep at all." The priest says "If it was good enough for our lord, it's good enough for me, I'll take the barn".

an hour later there's a hammering at the door and the farmer finds the priest there - "Your cow is pregnant and won't stop mooing, I can't sleep at all." The politician says "Huh. If I must, I must, I suppose I'll take the barn".

an hour later there's a hammering at the door and the farmer opens it to find his cockerel and cow standing there.

 

[flyboyy]

A young man is preparing to ask his wife-to-be to marry him, when he decides first off to lay down the law by being clear.

So he says to her, i am looking for a wife who comprehends that i am to be the head of the house.

So she says i am OK with that, but you must comprehend that i will be the neck.... He looks a bit puzzled and says i am not sure what you mean...

So she says well every knows that everywhere the neck turns the head must follow.

 

[Rod]

A woman and her small son are walking hand in hand along a beach. The son splashes in the shallows. Suddenly a huge wave engulfs them both. When the woman rights herself she realises her son is gone. In horror the scans the now calm water but he is nowhere to be seen. She raises her eyes to the sky and pleads for Devine intervention. The clouds part and a ray of golden light strikes the water hundreds of metres out to sea. An albatross apoears, swoops down and following the ray of light dives into the water to emerge seconds later with the little boy on its back. It flies to the shore and delivers the little boy at the feet of his mother. The mother looks at her son and raises her eyes once more to the heavens and says, "He had a hat."

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

 

[Randy B. Singer]

There were two deaf mutes driving around talking
to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"

Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"

Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's pick up some girls, drive to a dark space and
have some fun."

Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."

So they pick up some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a
good time when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the
shoulder.....

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out
and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put twenty dollars on the counter. Put
your winkie on the counter. Point at it, and he'll know what you want."

Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car
window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"

Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."

Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"

Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put twenty
dollars on the counter. I put my winkie on the counter. He put
his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. So he took my twenty
dollars!"