Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[flyboyy]

 

[lclev]

Can't take credit for the story but... So me!

"Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the man behind her was on the verge of a heart attack from laughing so intensely.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say."

Lisa

 

[flyboyy]

 

[flyboyy]

 

[pm-r]

This should definitely add some life to any cremation and make it much more memorable and enjoyable...







Patrick
===========

 

[lclev]

"A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.""

""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

""Well, now, not so fast,"" said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?""

""Oh, no, no"", said the old lady. ""You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

""Well, that seems only fair,"" said the cop, laughing. ""OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,

what's in the other bag?""

""Not everybody pays."

 

[PGB1]

While in England, I needed a kidney transplant.
I was very surprised to learn that England has no Kidney Bank. But they do have a Liverpool.

 

[lclev]

Where I come from this would not be considered strange!

Lisa

 

[PGB1]

View attachment 39575
Where I come from this would not be considered strange!

Lisa

Hilarious!
The yoga pants & beer belly certainly help set the stage.

 

[PGB1]

A couple of from those long ago grade school days...

A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit went to donate blood. The phlebotomist asked the Rabbit his blood type. The Rabbit replied "I'm probably a Type O". (Certainly was a creative way to teach us the word "Phlebotomist".)

Why do fungi have to pay for an extra seat on an airplane?
Because they take up two mushroom.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist,
“I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you,
I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him.

He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

 

[Slydude]

Hope no lawyers are offended by this pic. Sent to me by a friend,

 

[PGB1]

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

[lclev]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.

Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of pro*stitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

That's a very old joke. It reminds me of a similar old joke!:

A man is miserable because he has a wife who is always angry at him. He decides to buy her a gift, hoping that will make her happy.

He walks into a pet store and looks around. After a few minutes of browsing around, he's not impressed by what she finds. He's about to walk out, until he looks behind the sales counter and spots the most unusual bird he's ever seen. He asks the salesman what it is.

"Oh, that's a crunch bird!" he says.

"Crunch bird? Never heard of it. What does it do?" the man asks.

"Just watch!" he says as he opens the cage. "Crunch bird, chair!" He points to a wooden chair in the corner of the store. The bird flies out of the cage and heads straight for it. Within a matter of seconds, it's reduced to a pile of sawdust.

The man is impressed, but asks for another demonstration.

"Crunch bird, desk!" the salesman says, pointing at a nearby desk. Once again, the bird aims straight for it, and turns it to dust in a matter of seconds.

"I'll take him!" the man says.

The man arrives home and tells his wife that he bought her a pet. A bird.

"What the **** kinda bird is that?" she snarls angrily.

"It's a crunch bird!" he says.

She's not impressed.
"Oh yeah?” she yells!
“Crunch bird, my ass!"

 

[lclev]

That's a very old joke. It reminds me of a similar old joke!:

A man is miserable because he has a wife who is always angry at him. He decides to buy her a gift, hoping that will make her happy.

He walks into a pet store and looks around. After a few minutes of browsing around, he's not impressed by what she finds. He's about to walk out, until he looks behind the sales counter and spots the most unusual bird he's ever seen. He asks the salesman what it is.

"Oh, that's a crunch bird!" he says.

"Crunch bird? Never heard of it. What does it do?" the man asks.

"Just watch!" he says as he opens the cage. "Crunch bird, chair!" He points to a wooden chair in the corner of the store. The bird flies out of the cage and heads straight for it. Within a matter of seconds, it's reduced to a pile of sawdust.

The man is impressed, but asks for another demonstration.

"Crunch bird, desk!" the salesman says, pointing at a nearby desk. Once again, the bird aims straight for it, and turns it to dust in a matter of seconds.

"I'll take him!" the man says.

The man arrives home and tells his wife that he bought her a pet. A bird.

"What the **** kinda bird is that?" she snarls angrily.

"It's a crunch bird!" he says.

She's not impressed.
"Oh yeah?” she yells!
“Crunch bird, my ass!"

I know it was an older joke but it made me laugh so I share. The above is also an old joke - but it made me laugh! Thanks!
- Lisa

 

[PGB1]

Caution- Really Lame Joke Ahead:

Do you know why nobody can hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent!

 

[arnoldmatt70]

My friend asked me to put his keyboard on silent mode. I told him it doesn't have a sound option. He said, "Are you kidding me? It clearly has a space bar!"

 

[PGB1]

Please take this joke with laughter. It's not meant to offend anyone, especially squirrels!
If it's not appropriate, please ask a moderator to take it down. Thanks!


There is a town in Michigan that became overrun with squirrels a few years ago. They suddenly were everywhere! The local houses of worship were especially crowded with the little pests. Each congregation decided to take action in its own creative fashion.


The Baptist Church members decided that the most humane way to eliminate the problem was to drown the squirrels. So they built a water slide that ended in the Baptistry. Well, it turns out that squirrels can swim and rather enjoyed the respite from the heat. The squirrels told their fellow squirrels and soon the Church was even more overrun!


The Society of Friends congregation decided that none of God’s creatures should ever be harmed, therefore they trapped the squirrels and dropped them off at the Baptist Church. The squirrels returned to the Quaker Meeting Hall soon after the Baptists took down the water slide!


The Bible Church people remembered that “animals carry the burden of sin”.
Since the the squirrels are sinful, they should be killed. To accomplish this cleansing, they set up bowls full of whiskey hoping that the alcohol would poison them in a humane fashion.
The Bible Church folks soon found out how much damage a gang of drunk squirrels can do!


The Catholics were smart. They baptized each squirrel and made them all members of the parish. Now they only see squirrels on Christmas & Easter.


But the group from the local Synagogue had the best plan of all. The Mohel circumcised one. They haven’t seen a squirrel since!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

The Bible Church folks soon found out how much damage a gang of drunk squirrels can do!

Ironically, and humorously, this happens in real life! I've read several stories about squirrels eating fruit that has sat out a while and become fermeted, and they get drunk from it. The videos of it happening are hysterical. Check out this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0b3WJx4hhaM&t=6s