Jokes

[rman]

Gold Urinal

George W was invited to a high level meeting at the White House. After
drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could
use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President
had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal."

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at a meeting, she told Hillary
how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the
President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned
to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who pissed in your saxaphone."

 

[rman]

THE IRISH TOAST

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one
evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to
see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me
Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the
Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best
toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The
Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in
your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the
local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting
with John O'Riley.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your
husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won
first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest
with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell
asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

 

[rman]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other,
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my
tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid replies, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
was born.  Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[rman]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire
fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter
walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer
and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire
truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[rman]

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to
you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

[rman]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy
called out. "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

 

[rman]

Ten Dollars

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year.
Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but
that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten
dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said,
"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year
I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,
and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you,
but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds
of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you
didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna
fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[MacAddikt]

oxymoron

Microsoft Works

 

[rman]

Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up
at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning, Alex." "Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still
focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is that?" "Well, son, it's a memorial
to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they
stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely
audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service-the 9:45 or
the 11:15?"

 

[rman]

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

 

[rman]

USMC

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, which was hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.

She said, "excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?" "No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply was, "yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little.....relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "you know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously...... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

 

[rman]

Creation

God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before...

At this point God created ****.

 

[rman]

Joe's headache

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally cameacross a doctor who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job.", the salesman said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck. "Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job. "Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure. "The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ...wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old. "The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."

 

[rman]

An eighty year old woman goes to the Doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the Doctor was looking through these he came across Birth Control pills.

Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said. "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "But Mrs.
Smith there is nothing in them that could help you to sleep!" "I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

 

[rman]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it
to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet, where
he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and
then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about
my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

[rman]

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the saleman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the old wise farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc., and that was what took the price up. The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece. Come and look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said, "Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that, too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the saleman for the final price of the cow...

BASIC COW...........................$500.00
Two-tone exterior................... $45.00
Extra stomach........................ $75..00
Product storing equipment........ $60.00
Straw compartment.................$120.00
4 spigots @ $10 each............... $40.00
Leather upholstery..................$125.00
Dual horns.............................. $45.00
Automatic fly swatter.............. $38.00
Fertilizer attachment...............$185.00

GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00

 

[rman]

Michael Jordan, after living a full life, died. When he got to
heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a
modest little house with a faded Chicago Bulls flag in the
window. "This house is yours for eternity, Michael," said
God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up
here."

Michael felt special indeed, and walked up to his house. On
his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around
the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a brilliant White,
purple, and Gold sidewalk, a 50 ft. tall flagpole flying an
enormous Los Angeles Lakers flag, and in every window a
Lakers logo.

Micheal looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful, but I have a question: I won six NBA Championships,
more awards than I can remember and am the greatest player
of all time."

God said, "So what do you want to know, Micheal?"
Well, why does Shaq get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Micheal, that's not Shaq's house.......it's mine."

 

[rman]

Groom's decision...

I was happy. And My girlfriend and me were dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only
one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law
to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all
beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me,
which made me feel quite uncomfortable.

One day mother-in-law called me and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.

She was alone when I arrived. As we looked at the
invitations, she rubbed her breasts into me so
enticingly. I could not help but notice through her
sheer blouse that she was wearing no bra. Her breasts
were magnificent, to say the least.

She whispered to me, that soon I was going to be
married, and that she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome. She went on to indicate
that before I got married and committed my life to her
daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. She
pointed out that no one would be home for at least
three hours.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't
say a word. So, she said, I'll go upstairs to the
bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get
me.

I stood there for a moment, watching her go up the
stairs in her formfitting miniskirt.

I then turned around and went To the front door...
I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband
was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes. He
hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased,
you have passed our little test. We couldn't have
asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."

Moral of the story:


******** Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[rman]

Why do blondes have more fun?

They're easier to amuse.

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?

Data transfer.

Why are Asians so smart?

No blondes.

Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

 

[rman]

A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very moody, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the
species available. While reflecting on their
problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time redneck
intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability
to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators
thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a
proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with
the $500."