Jokes

[rman]

Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The personal manager
goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he
does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her
duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The
"Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman
he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up
the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the
problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up
from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just
hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of
fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the
new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[rman]

Think You're Secret Agent Material?


Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.''
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.'' The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says. The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''

 

[Graphite]

Cough, cough...

http://www.macfora.com/forums/showthread.p...5&pagenumber=10

#140

still funny tho.

 

[rman]

Graphite, I had another version where there was two men and a woman. I could not find it, so I borrowed yours.

 

[rman]

Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".

The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood
for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

[rman]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So, the senior monk goes down into
the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs
to look for him.

He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old
monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's
wrong. "The word is celebrate," says the old monk.

 

[Graphite]

either way, at least now i know people are reading what i post in macfora

 

[rman]

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and
green and yellow Vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with
that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth
chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And
woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth
creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice
cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak
so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so
Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he
created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the
potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...!

And Satan created HMOs...

And God created the Mac (but Steve took all the credit). And Satan
created the_______________...

 

[Fluid]

:lol: :lol: Good ones. i have some but let's just say they aren't PG-13.

 

[rman]

I am trying not to cross that line.

:lol:

 

[rman]

Test results:

Mrs. Smith went to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
results. The Lab Tech said to her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent samples from your husband to the
lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we're not sure
which one is your husband's results. Frankly, it's either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But, you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[rman]

The ticket

A farmer got pulled over by an Alabama state trooper for
speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight
around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some
flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
"Having some problems with circle-flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well,
yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle-
flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle-flies are common on
farms. See, they're called circle-flies because they're
almost always found circling around the back end of a
horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket.

Then, after a minute, he stops and says, "Hey...wait a
second, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think
about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes
back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
flies, though."

 

[rman]

These three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk,
and wake up in
jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning,
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any
last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I
believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not
want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the
University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to
intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again
nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let
him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical
Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't connect them two wires.

 

[Graphite]

keep em comming

you should put some of these in the thread in macfora, they are good.

 

[rman]

Arthritis...

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father,
what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

[Graphite]

haha

I have to bring this classic from my collection at Macfora by far my favorite joke ever.


Quote from MacFora posted by: Graphite:

hehe
one of my personal favorites 
 
Crowded In Heaven 
 
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." 
 
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." 
 
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. 
 
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" 
 
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. 
 
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. 
 
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[rman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[rman]

Italian Man & Priest

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession.
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door
and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and
they never found her."

The priest replied: "that was a wonderful thing you did, my son and you have
no need to confess."

It's worse father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors"

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had
found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge
you kindly. You are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?

 

[rman]

Please join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. As long-time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times,
even still, he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for
millions.

Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also
survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about
twenty minutes.

 

[Graphite]

Ah hahaha!