Jokes

[rman]

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A
neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great
until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail
tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our
blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked
fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again,
the blonde couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she
did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black one.

 

[rman]

SIX PRESIDENTS
WERE IN A SINKING SHIP

Ford says, "What do we do?"

Bush says, "Man the life boats!"

Reagan says, "What life boats?"

Carter says, "Women first..."

Nixon says, "Screw the women!"

Clinton says, "You think we have time?"

 

[Graphite]

:lolup: <--- well aware that doesn not exist here

Haha, good work, I always love a good joke or two, bravo rman.

 

[rman]

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten
years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, He begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman
wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says
to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years" replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips
a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, "Man oh
man! Is that ever good!"

And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies:"Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out
a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says,

"Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has
it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his
knees and says.

"Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[rman]

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab
driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and
he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend
you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old
as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've
always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well,
let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and
#2 you must be a Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,

"Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the
nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are
you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess,
I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween
party, and my name is Kevin."

 

[rman]

Consultants

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 

[AstralZenith]

if you heard graph's jokes, you would just stop making up your own, and listen to his

 

[Graphite]

um... what?

graph being me?


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[rman]

:blink:

 

[AstralZenith]

(refering to a different forum, with the same topic)

 

[rman]

I have seem jokes in many forums.

 

[Graphite]

continue rman

 

[rman]

Ever since his late teens Ron had suffered from
terrible headaches.

Finally, in desperation and after years of misery, he
sought medical advice. Many tests later the doctor sat
down with Ron to deliver his diagnosis. The doctor said,
"Ron, I have both good and bad news. The good news
is I can cure your headaches... the bad
news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one **** of a headache.
The only way medical science can relieve the pressure
is to remove the testicles."

Ron was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had
anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to
answer, but decided he had no choice.

Cut 'em.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache
for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, Ron realized that he
felt like a different person - he could make a new
beginning and live a new life.

Seeing a men's clothing store he thought, "That's what
I need, a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a
new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and
said, "Let's see. size 44 long."

Ron laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
Been in the business 60 years!"

Ron tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Ron
admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"

Ron thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Ron and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve
and 16 and a half neck."

Ron was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
Been in the business 60 years!"

Ron tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Ron
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"

Ron was on a roll now and said, "Sure." The salesman
eyed Ron's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Ron was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
Been in the business 60 years!"

Ron tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Ron
walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Ron thought for a second and said, "Sure." The
salesman stepped back, eyed Ron's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."

Ron laughed, "Ah hah I got you! I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
34 underwear would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache."

 

[rman]

Weapons Inspectors

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have
arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations
does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have
a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying out loud! Men
can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly
until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor...and
these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons
of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can
sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.
Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath
the rafters.

They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell
when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a
quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake.

A mother can small alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the
front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. By
examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock
Holmes. And if a mother wants an answer to questions, she can read an
offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So...considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team,
why are we sending a bunch of old men who will relay on electronic
equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a
wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good
twist and snap: "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass
destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march
him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a
nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"
Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare
bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole
of Baghdad.

He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut very
lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer.

Inspections?...You want the job done? Call my mother!

 

[rman]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.  One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you and one for me. One for you and one for me" said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from the inside of the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "one for you, one for me, one for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.

Oh my, he shuddered, its GOD and the Devil dividing up the souls in the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.  Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quickly said the boy. You won't believe what I heard!

Satan and the LORD are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!  The man said, beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?  When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "one for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."  The old man whispered...boy, you've been telling the truth.  Let's see if we can see the LORD Himself.

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the LORD.  At last they heard, "one for you, one for me, and one last one for you."

That's all of them, now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done...

They say the old man made it back to town a full  5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

 

[rman]

For lack of a better place to put it.

How to handle job stress.

Last week at a seminar called "Stress and Disease," Dr. Nickolas Hall, an
expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress.
When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where
they have thermometers.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip. Be very sure
that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your
therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove
the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will
not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies
the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the
statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
tested."

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do
not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.

 

[rman]

One Hawaiian, One Portugese, and one Japanese were all allocated jobs on a
cave expedition. The Hawaiian's job was transportation, the Portugese' job
was maps, and the Japanese man was to handle supplies. On the day of the
expedition, the Hawaiian shows up with the truck, the Portugese had the map,
but no Japanese man or supplies. They decided to press on without him.

About an hour into the cave, the Japanese man jumps out at them and yells
"SUPLISE".

 

[rman]

Amish virus

You have just received the Amish virus. Because we
don't have any computers, or programming experience,
this virus works on the honor system. Please delete
all the files from your hard drive and then manually
forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation and God bless you.

The Amish Computer Engineering Department

 

[MacAddikt]

Waiter, there's a fly in my drink

3 men sit down for a pint at a pub. One from England, one from Scotland and the third from Ireland. A fly lands in each of their drinks.

The English man pushes the glass away in disgust.

The Scottish man takes the fly out, shrugs his shoulders and drinks.

The Irish man grabs the fly by the wings and starts yelling "Spit it owt, ya *******!"

 

[MacAddikt]

Originally posted by rman@Apr 14 2003, 03:04 PM
"every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY
tested."

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do
not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.

worst job ever