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Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )
- Thread starter pigoo3
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I was going to provide the same service for $15.00 but the Nigerian Prince leading my team just quit. So I guess your revenue stream is safe for now.
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After moving to the U.S., a Chinese doctor struggled to find work in a hospital. So, he opened a small clinic with a clever sign out front:
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”
“Treatment for $20 — If not cured, get $100 back!”
One day, an American lawyer saw the sign and thought, “What a scam… but hey, easy money!” He walked in confidently.
Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.”
Doctor: “Nurse, bring medicine from Box No. 22. Three drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer: “Bleh! That’s kerosene!”
Doctor: “Congratulations — your taste is back. That’ll be $20.”
Annoyed but determined, the lawyer returned a few days later.
Lawyer: “I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Doctor: “Nurse, Box No. 22 again. Three drops.”
Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!”
Doctor: “Wonderful — your memory’s back! That’ll be $20.”
Now thoroughly frustrated, the lawyer made one last attempt to win.
Lawyer: “My eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!”
Doctor: “I’m sorry. I don’t have a cure for that. Here’s your $100.”
The doctor handed him a $20 bill.
Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute… this is just $20!”
Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is restored. That’ll be $20.”
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A State Trooper pulled a car over for speeding. When he asked the driver why he was in such a hurry, the man explained he was a juggler on his way to perform at the Shrine Circus and didn’t want to be late.
The trooper said, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me, I'll let you off with just a warning."
The juggler got out, lit four torches, and began juggling right there on the side of the road.
While he was performing, another car pulled up behind the police cruiser. A drunk guy stumbled out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in.
The trooper went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m passing that test!"
-Lisa
The trooper said, "I've always been fascinated by juggling. If you put on a little show for me, I'll let you off with just a warning."
The juggler got out, lit four torches, and began juggling right there on the side of the road.
While he was performing, another car pulled up behind the police cruiser. A drunk guy stumbled out, walked straight over to the patrol car, opened the back door, and climbed in.
The trooper went over, opened the door, and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail now, ‘cause there’s no way I’m passing that test!"
-Lisa
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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the **** tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
- Lisa
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the **** tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”
- Lisa
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The answer to "why did I come into the kitchen?" is always: "to get a Hostess Snack Cake."
It may not have been the original reason, but you will never leave the kitchen disappointed if you default to the above.
Similarly, the answer to "why did I go into the bathroom?" is always "to pee." At least at my age, this default answer is going to be correct about 90% of the time. And even if it wasn't the original reason, it's likely to be a good choice anyway.
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Letter From a Farm Kid Who Joined the Marines
Dear Ma and Pa,
I’m doing great! Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
At first, I was restless — you get to stay in bed till almost 5 a.m.! But I’m getting used to sleeping late. Tell Walt and Elmer that before breakfast, all you have to do is smooth your cot and shine a few things. No hogs to slop, no feed to pitch, no mash to mix, no wood to split, no fires to light... practically nothing!
Men have to shave, but there’s warm water, so it’s no big deal.
Breakfast is heavy on things like fruit juice, cereal, bacon, and eggs... a little light on steak, pie, and fried eggplant, though. Still, you can always sit next to the city boys who just drink coffee — their food plus yours will hold you till lunch!
We go on “route marches,” which the sergeant says are to toughen us up. Honestly, they’re about as far as walking to our mailbox at home. Then the city boys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a schoolteacher — nags a lot. The captain’s like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around in jeeps frowning at everybody. They don’t bother you none.
Now, here’s the part that’ll have Walt and Elmer rolling... I keep winning medals for shooting! I don’t know why — the bulls-eye’s about the size of a chipmunk’s head, it doesn’t move, and best of all... it ain’t shooting back like the Higgett boys used to do. You just lie there comfortable and hit it. Heck, you don’t even have to load your own ammo — it comes in boxes!
We also have hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with city boys. I gotta be real careful though — they break easy. It ain’t like tangling with the old bull at home!
I’m the best they got at it, except for Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once... but Tug’s 6'8" and 300 pounds dry, and I’m just 5'6" and 130 pounds soaking wet!
Tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and enlist before all the good spots get taken!
Your loving daughter,
(Didn’t see that ending coming, did you?!)
- Lisa
Dear Ma and Pa,
I’m doing great! Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
At first, I was restless — you get to stay in bed till almost 5 a.m.! But I’m getting used to sleeping late. Tell Walt and Elmer that before breakfast, all you have to do is smooth your cot and shine a few things. No hogs to slop, no feed to pitch, no mash to mix, no wood to split, no fires to light... practically nothing!
Men have to shave, but there’s warm water, so it’s no big deal.
Breakfast is heavy on things like fruit juice, cereal, bacon, and eggs... a little light on steak, pie, and fried eggplant, though. Still, you can always sit next to the city boys who just drink coffee — their food plus yours will hold you till lunch!
We go on “route marches,” which the sergeant says are to toughen us up. Honestly, they’re about as far as walking to our mailbox at home. Then the city boys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a schoolteacher — nags a lot. The captain’s like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around in jeeps frowning at everybody. They don’t bother you none.
Now, here’s the part that’ll have Walt and Elmer rolling... I keep winning medals for shooting! I don’t know why — the bulls-eye’s about the size of a chipmunk’s head, it doesn’t move, and best of all... it ain’t shooting back like the Higgett boys used to do. You just lie there comfortable and hit it. Heck, you don’t even have to load your own ammo — it comes in boxes!
We also have hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with city boys. I gotta be real careful though — they break easy. It ain’t like tangling with the old bull at home!
I’m the best they got at it, except for Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once... but Tug’s 6'8" and 300 pounds dry, and I’m just 5'6" and 130 pounds soaking wet!
Tell Walt and Elmer to hurry up and enlist before all the good spots get taken!
Your loving daughter,
(Didn’t see that ending coming, did you?!)
- Lisa
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- Joined
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This reminds me of a fellow schoolmate who was helping prepare the cows for milking and various treatments but he ended up giving the cow with a bad cough too much molasses in the bucket and was pretending he was the vet at the back end of the cow with the same results shown here...
I still laughing thinking of poor old George getting caught in the direct path of the result...
- Patrick
=======
I still laughing thinking of poor old George getting caught in the direct path of the result...
- Patrick
=======
Ha! Enema and enemy don't seem that far apart!This reminds me of a fellow schoolmate who was helping prepare the cows for milking and various treatments but he ended up giving the cow with a bad cough too much molasses in the bucket and was pretending he was the vet at the back end of the cow with the same results shown here...
View attachment 40390
I still laughing thinking of poor old George getting caught in the direct path of the result...
- Patrick
=======
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An apocryphal news story:
Zookeeper Suffocates In 200 Pounds Of Elephant Poop
Zookeeper Suffocates In 200 Pounds Of Elephant Poop
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