Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Randy B. Singer]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, Do you want to have Sex?
No, she answered.
I then said, Is that your final answer?...
She didnt even look at me this time, simply saying, Yes..
So I said, Then I'd like to phone a friend.
And thats when the fight started...
_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, Do you know him?
Yes, she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasnt been sober since.
My God! I said. Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weatherwould be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wifes back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.
My loving wife of 5 years replied, And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?
And thats how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to applyfor Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked mefor my drivers License to verify my age. I looked in my pocketsand realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman thatI was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, Unbutton your shirt. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.
And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need youto pay me a compliment.
I replied, Your eyesights **** near perfect.
And then the fight started........
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said I am NOT Happy!
So I said, Well, which one ARE you then?
Thats how the fight started.
________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didnt buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,Well, you still havent used the gift I bought you last year!
And thats how the fight started.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

The boss's wife got mad when the maid, Helen, asked for a raise.
Wife: Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay raise?‚ the wife asked.
Helen said: There are three reasons...The first is that I iron better than you.
Wife: Who said that?‚ asked the wife.
Helen said: Your husband.
Wife: Oh.
Helen said: The second reason is that I cook better than you.
Wife: Who said that?‚ asked the wife.
Helen said: Your husband.
Wife: Oh.
Helen said: The third reason is that I'm a better lover than you.
Wife: Did my husband also say that?‚ asked the wife.
Helen said: No, the gardener did.
Wife: So, how much do you want?‚ asked the wife.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A man is in the grocery store when he sees a pretty woman waving at him. When she says hello, he's surprised because he can't remember where he met her before.
He then asks: Do you know me?
She tells him: I think you're the dad of one of my kids.
Now he thinks about the only time he cheated on his wife and asks: My God, are you the woman from my bachelor party that I made love to near the pool? Then he starts crying. I realize that I cheated on my wife. I feel TERRIBLE about it!
She looks him in the eyes and says: No, I'm your son's teacher.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

When a wife heard her husband's key in the door, she was in bed with her lover. She told her lover to stay where he was. "He's so drunk that he won't even notice that you're with me in bed."
The husband fell into bed quickly, but a few minutes later, when he wasn't so drunk, he saw six feet sticking out from the end of the bed.
"Hey, there are six feet in this bed!" he told his wife. "There should only be four. What's going on?"
The wife said: "You're so drunk you forgot how to count. Get up and try again. That way, you can see better."
The husband got out of bed and did the math. "One, two, three, four. ****, you're right!"

 

[flyboyy]

 

[flyboyy]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
“My father is out there," the little extortionist says.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
“Fifty dollars," the little boy replies.
“FIFTY DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," sighs the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“One hundred dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“One hundred and fifty dollars," the little boy says.
“ONE HUDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"
the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

 

[flyboyy]

You might get a charge out of this

 

[lclev]

The Farmer's Flies.......

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You were speeding and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep" says the farmer as he watches the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complains. "Yep," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Flies that circle a horse's ass," says the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper asks.
"Nope... I wouldn't do that" the farmer says. "I have too much respect for law and policemen to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

- Lisa

 

[lclev]

A man was walking through the desert. He was tried and thirsty and he came upon an oasis. In the oasis he found a camel dealer. He told the camel dealer he had eight more days to go through the desert. The dealer said normally camels could only go for seven days, but he had a secret. The process was called bricking.

The man took the camel to the watering hole and the camel began to drink. Just as the camel was finishing getting its full seven days of water the dealer took two bricks and slammed the camel’s balls between them.

Slurp…the eighth day.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[IWT]

A man was walking through the desert. He was tried and thirsty and he came upon an oasis. In the oasis he found a camel dealer. He told the camel dealer he had eight more days to go through the desert. The dealer said normally camels could only go for seven days, but he had a secret. The process was called bricking.

The man took the camel to the watering hole and the camel began to drink. Just as the camel was finishing getting its full seven days of water the dealer took two bricks and slammed the camel’s balls between them.

Slurp…the eighth day.

And what do they do for lady camels?

Ian

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[IWT]

It took me a few minutes to get the joke, Randy. Very clever. Of course, it could just be that I'm getting old.

Ian

 

[Randy B. Singer]

It took me a few minutes to get the joke, Randy. Very clever. Of course, it could just be that I'm getting old.

It took me a few minutes to get this joke when I first saw it too. I don't know about you, but the fact that I had to figure it out made it more enjoyable for me.

 

[IWT]

the fact that I had to figure it out made it more enjoyable for me.

Exactly the same here.

Keep 'em coming my friend.

Ian

 

[lclev]

Good one Randy! At first I thought the "no" was a mistype then I got it.

Lisa