Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[pm-r]

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. And psychiatrists collect the rent.

LOL!!!


- Patrick
=======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the **** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The **** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the **** snowplow.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the **** slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother Nine more inches predicted.
\
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[Jonzjob]

December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like ****. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the **** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The **** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the **** snowplow.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the **** slop tonight - Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the **** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother Nine more inches predicted.
\
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Good grief Randy! I hadn't realised you got that much snow in California?

I wish we had some

 

[Lifeisabeach]

(outdated link removed)

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Good grief Randy! I hadn't realised you got that much snow in California?

Yes...I've written every bit of humor that I've posted, and it's all about ME.

 

[Sawday]

(outdated link removed)

Years ago, while working for a large multinational FMCG company I developed a management information system that relied on companies around the globe sending data (as Lotus 123 spreadsheets!) on 5¼ floppy disks sent in cardboard envelopes each month. When these little beauties came out we considered them really high tech, as even our largest subsidiaries could cram their data on a single disk!

 

[Jonzjob]

Have you ever repaired toroidal core storage? I used to do when I first came out of the R.A.F. and worked was employed by Next Door Confusion, you may know it as Nixdorf Computers owned by Heinzy Baby Nixdorf. 2k books and real sods to do.

If you were really careful you could make them write only storage

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman who waves at him and says “Hello!”

He's rather taken aback because he simply can’t place where he knows her from. So he asks "Do I know you?"

“Well”, she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt???"

The blonde looked into his eyes and calmly replied, "No, I'm your son's math teacher".

 

[sllewk]

Hello every-one, I would just like to send COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON to all our members and our visitors as well.
Up to present I have had an absolutely wonderful day! The reason being my dearest wife, Mavis, has not been well all day yesterday. She was vomiting about three times per hour right from rising at 03.00hrs. Eventually managed to get a Doctor who really knew what he was talking about, he arranged a prescription electronically to the local Pharmacy. They were collected by our eldest daughter and one of the tablets was taken almost straight away. To cut a long story short there has been a miracle performed and she is now BACK TO NORMAL!!! The doctor stated it was a tummy bug and needed antibiotics to cure it and cure it it has after only one of the ten tablets - but the whole prescribed amount will be taken.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR to EVERY-ONE.

From Keith in Derby England.

 

[IWT]

And the very best to you, Keith, and to all who care for you. And to those you care about.

One shouldn't jest, but its being the Festive Season, I'm guess you will permit me to suggest that her tummy problem was a brilliant way of getting out of cooking the Christmas feast

Ian

 

[sllewk]

And the very best to you, Keith, and to all who care for you. And to those you care about.

One shouldn't jest, but its being the Festive Season, I'm guess you will permit me to suggest that her tummy problem was a brilliant way of getting out of cooking the Christmas feast

Ian

Hi Ian, if only that was so!!! Thank you for your reply, much appreciated this way.

Keith in Derby.

 

[Slydude]

Merry Christmas to you, Mavis, and all those dear to you. May the coming year bring tidings of comfort and joy. I've been putting off doing one of our FaceTime calls. We really must do that again soon.

BTW did Father Christmas leave any new Apple gear at your house? If not, I trust he didn't leave a lump of coal.

 

[MacInWin]

Happy Christmas to you and Mavis, Keith! Glad to hear she is doing better. And very wise to take the entire course of medicine so knock that nasty bug flat!

 

[chscag]

Merry Christmas from Texas, USA!

Glad to hear your wife is well again. Let us know what you found under the Christmas tree.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

MERRY CHRISTMAS
.°★。˛ °.★** **★* *˛.
˛ °_██_*。*./ \ .˛* .˛.*.★* *★ 。*
˛. (´• ̮•)*˛°*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____. * ˛*
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~＼*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(…'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.｜田田 ｜門｜╬╬╬╬ .
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯ ` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••

 

[lclev]

Merry Christmas to one and all!

 

[pm-r]

MERRY CHRISTMAS
.°★。˛ °.★** **★* *˛.
˛ °_██_*。*./ \ .˛* .˛.*.★* *★ 。*
˛. (´• ̮•)*˛°*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____. * ˛*
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~＼*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(…'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.｜田田 ｜門｜╬╬╬╬ .
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯ ` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••

+1!!!
And some great ASCI art... almost a lost art these days...



- Patrick
=======

 

[sllewk]

MERRY CHRISTMAS
.°★。˛ °.★** **★* *˛.
˛ °_██_*。*./ \ .˛* .˛.*.★* *★ 。*
˛. (´• ̮•)*˛°*/.♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____. * ˛*
.°( . • . ) ˛°./• '♫ ' •\.˛*./______/~＼*. ˛*.。˛* ˛. *。
*(…'•'.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.｜田田 ｜門｜╬╬╬╬ .
¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯`´¯˜"*°••°*"˜¯ ` ´¯˜"*°´¯˜"*°••

Patrick, I must say that I have never seen anything quite as impressive as this. well done that man!!

Keith in derby England.w

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Patrick, I must say that I have never seen anything quite as impressive as this. ...

If you copy and paste it into TextEdit and try different fonts and font sizes, you might find that it will look even better.

 

[sllewk]

If you copy and paste it into TextEdit and try different fonts and font sizes, you might find that it will look even better.

Patrick, No disrespect here but please do not be silly !!!!!! "Copy and paste" I have never been able to come to terms with, it is a complete foreign language to my simple mind. Have tried to conquer it but it defies me completely. Can even enter a panic mode on simple things let alone something as complicated as copy and paste. Now give me some wall paper and I am your man, done lots of it over the years!!!
Keith in Derby England. PS- Please do not waste your time trying to explain 'copy and paste'. TextEdit is Greek or Latin to me.