Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[sllewk]

Two Bob Monkhouse jokes. (For non-Brits, Bob Monkhouse was a household name in family comedy for over 50 years).

When I told people that I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now!

In much later life, he said this: I still get sex at 68. I live at number 70. It's a short walk.

Don't think either of these is offensive. Hope not

Ian

At the age of 86 trying to have sex is similar to trying to play billiards with a short bit of rope

 

[sllewk]

Definition of a fancy man :- He who has been circumcised with a pair of pinking shears.

Definition of the perfect lover:- a man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

 

[IWT]

At the age of 86 trying to have sex is similar to trying to play billiards with a short bit of rope

And foreplay is 45 minutes of begging.

Ian

 

[sllewk]

By the way:- Barbie Doll has never had a baby because Ken always comes in a different box!

 

[pm-r]

Father of the year...

Oh well, at least he tried...


- Patrick
=======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally, one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.


(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).


Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.

'I've found Cod. I'm a
Prawn again Kristian'

 

[sllewk]

My wife has informed me that the best method of birth control is "an Aspirin held firmly between the lady's knees with the legs straight in line with the spine".
I cannot prove the effectiveness and I am now too old and decrepit to experiment for proof. Having sex these days is rather like "trying to play pool with a short piece of rope"
this should have gone into Joke of the Day but it got side tracked somehow?

Very best regards from Keith in Derby England.

 

[pm-r]

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

+1. But the word MUCH should be highlighted!!!
But I couldn't really hear it properly over all the groans...


- Patrick
=======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Rod]

Aww, me too.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A man tells his rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live to eternity.
Is there anything that I can do to achieve this?" he asks.

"Get married", replies the rabbi.

"It's that simple? Getting married will allow me to live forever?" the man inquires.

"No", says the rabbi. "But the desire will disappear".

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[pm-r]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.

How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?

That's a pretty long time to perform.

How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.

For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years?

Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

==============
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the porch
__________________


- Patrick
=======

 

[sllewk]

And as the bloomers said to the thong when having on the line together "I certainly have had my Ups and Downs but I have never been Pushed to one side"!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner


♦ I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colours red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?”

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Understanding Engineers 1

Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers 2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers 3

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers 4

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?" (or how much will we make?)
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?


Understanding Engineers 5

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

[Jonzjob]

I did an experiment to find out if birds need air to fly in?

I put a pigeon in a bell jar to demonstrate a bird couldn't fly in a vacuum. I evacuated the bell jar and the pigeon fell off it's perch - experiment proven, birds need air to fly. The pigeon dropped dead for some reason.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"