Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[pm-r]

Say Patrick, where do I get one of those things?

I'm sorry Sly, but I seem to have forgotten already...



- Patrick
======I

 

[Slydude]

I'd suggest that you request a refund but that seems to be out of the question t the moment.

 

[toMACsh]

Yeah, you have to remember where you put the dang thing!

 

[pm-r]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit", asked St. Peter.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."




- Patrick
=======

 

[Jonzjob]

My grandfather always said, "When one door closes, another one opens." Lovely man. Terrible cabinet-maker.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Jonzjob]

Randy, that brings back some memories and I'm glad I aren't alergik to dogs, or disliquesick eiver?

This was our Celé at 9 weeks. A cheeky little sod with it, but totally beautiful!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Beauty!

 

[Jonzjob]

She was, bless her, and she knew it !

 

[pm-r]

Some may find this funny, actual photo from another Mac forum thread:





- Patrick
=======

 

[Jonzjob]

An awfully awfully posh young inexperienced Army officer was away in a foreign country on a 6 month detachment with his high brow regiment. They had spend a lot of their free time in the local city and managed to get in with the local 'set'. They spent a lot of time at parties and the young 'Zob' (officer) had grown rather intimate with a delightful young lady, but she couldn't speak a word of English and he none of her language.

Well, it finished up VERY intimate indeed and he was having a whale of a time making love to this young lady every time they met. He was so glad that he was managing so well as to make her so excited that every time she would totally abandon all restraint and yell out loud

"ZIMBA, ZIMBA, ZIMBA"

He was so proud at being so young and inexperienced that he could excite her so very much.

Anyway, the detachment ended and they returned to Blighty all beautifully tanned and fit the the youngster still 'in love' with the young lady.

As a young aspiring 'Zob' he decided that it would be a good idea to take up the practice of spoiling a good walk and do so by playing golf. He thought that it would stand him in a good light with his Boss. He learned quickly and became a popular playing partner.

One day they were visited by an officer from the country they had been detached to and he too was a keen and good glof player. Out on the course they were doing well as partners against the Boss and adjutant of the regiment, or what ever they call the Army groupes of blokes, and his partner swung his golf bat and whacked the ball way up the green and scored a hole in one. The young 'Zob' got all very excited, jumping up and down and laughing and shouted

"ZIMBA, ZIMBA, ZIMBA" at the top of his voice.

The visiting officer looked at him with a very surprised expression on his face and said

"How do you mean wrong hole?"

 

[sllewk]

She offered her honour

He honoured her offer

And all night long

It was honour and offer.


Very best regards from Keith in Derby England.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, ´Thanks , whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying. What's your problem?”

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

"I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

"I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[Randy B. Singer]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Sorry, this got cut off of the last one:

"We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.""

 

[Jonzjob]

No worries now though Randy. They won't get any more silly complaints will they Not the English bit anyway.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

The Laws of Life

1.Law of Mechanical Repair- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.


5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now


6.Law of the Bath -When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.


7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!


9.Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


10.Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


13.Law of Physical Surfaces -

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.


15.Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!


17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!


18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[chscag]

16.Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

I especially like this one now that our political season is in full swing!