Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[pm-r]

^^^



- Patrick
======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "as_h_le." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "butthead".

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!

 

[IWT]

Nice one, Randy.

Ian

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[IWT]

Hey Randy, you must have been in the same bar as me when these three walked ingiggle (post #240)

Ian

 

[Slydude]

I thought I'd seen that before.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged Poodle along for company.

One day the Poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doodoo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That funny-looking animal nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old Poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what happens to animals that try to make a fool of me!"

Now, the old Poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old Poodle says: "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

- - - Updated - - -

Hey Randy, you must have been in the same bar as me when these three walked ingiggle (post #240)

Ian

Sorry...I knew that I got it from somewhere!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

When you are bored just think about
a few things that don't make sense ...like:

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
6. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
7. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
8. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
9. If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Six great confusions still unresolved
1. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours?
2. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
3. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge but not in refrigerator?
4. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
5. If pro and con are opposites, shouldn’t the opposite of progress be…congress?

Vagaries of the English Language!
– Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
-- Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
– If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
– If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
– How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
– Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they still learning & practicing at the cost of the patients?
– Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
– How come Noses run and Feet smell?
– Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
– What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

 

[IWT]

Very nice, Randy.

In only once instance that I can see in your excellent list, does British English come to the rescue.

You asked: Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they still learning & practicing at the cost of the patients?

In British English, the verb is to practise and the noun is practice.

So we practise to improve our practice (music, medicine, whatever).

Ian

 

[ferrarr]

[FONT=&quot]One of my favorites...

So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks.
You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work.
Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off![/FONT]

 

[Jonzjob]

There has to be some logic in there somewhere?

I'm bug-gered if I can see it though

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Subject: Pandemic Thoughts


Until further notice, the days of the week are called: Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Nextday

Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again? I think it has a virus.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

Where is your next travel destination?
- Las Kitchenas
- Los Lounges
- Santa Bedroomas
- Porto Gardenas
- Los Bedos
- Costa del Balconia
- St. Bath
- La Rotonda de Sofa

If you thought the toilet paper thing was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment at the same time.

2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.

If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

This cleaning with alcohol thing is total BS. NOTHING gets done after the first bottle.

You think it’s bad now? In 30 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.(My favorite!)

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now - I’m saving the world!

I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine Lettuce. Ahh, the good old days….

I swear my fridge just said “What the **** do you want now?”

Whomever owes you money, go to their house now. They are home.

Homeschooling Day #3: “They graduated. #Done.”

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Lifeisabeach]

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

This one has always driven me crazy. In Spanish, it's pronounced "doble ve", which literally is "double v". Although weirdly enough, this article insists the letter actually isn't a part of the Spanish alphabet. Weirdly, I say, because my high school Spanish instructor (early '80s) was from Spain and it was in the alphabet that we had to learn. Anywho, there's a long-winded explanation for it.
If "W" Is Double U, Why Is It Made Of Two Vs? - Everything After Z by Dictionary.com

 

[Jonzjob]

Because the Old English letter “wynn” was replaced by “uu,” which eventually developed into the modern w. (It really is a double u.)

I thought that everyone knew that

You also have the different word for the letter 'Y' in French. It is 'i grec' which is 'Greek E'.

In't it fun

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Lifeisabeach]

View attachment 31632

Oh I am so re-posting this on Facebook.

 

[Jonzjob]

Me too, but not on farsebook. It's a funny looking cat though?

 

[Lifeisabeach]

Me too, but not on farsebook. It's a funny looking cat though?

Yeah, "cat". Name's Pepé Le Pew, perhaps?

 

[Jonzjob]

Hopefully de Pewed or nobody would go anywhere near that lass for a wee while me-thinks?