Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Randy B. Singer]



 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[chscag]

Thanks Randy. In times like this, "Humor is the best medicine". (I don't remember who said that, but it's certainly still applicable.)

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Parody of One Day More [Le Mis] for COVID-19

VIDEO: A Family Sings Lockdown Version of 'One Day More' From LES MISERABLES Video

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[pm-r]

- Patrick
======

 

[pm-r]

This still seems like an odd suggestion...






- Patrick
======

 

[lclev]

Keep them coming! With the day I had I need these!

Lisa

 

[Rod]

THANK YOU EVERYBODY
There has never been a time in my life that I couldn't use a good laugh.

 

[pm-r]

Now this is starting to get a bit personal...







- Patrick
======

 

[pm-r]

I'll bet the driver got an almost perfect score on their driver's safety rules test as well...






- Patrick
======

 

[pm-r]

Now, what was that loud explosive sound we heard...???






- Patrick
======

 

[pm-r]

- Patrick
======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest,

in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.



The winners are:



1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.



6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.



7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle ?, olive-flavoured mouthwash.



9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon ?, a Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



The winners are:

-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.



-Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



-Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



- Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?

And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.



- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



And the pick of the literature:



- Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.

 

[Randy B. Singer]



 

[IWT]

Taking Randy's alternative definitions as a guide:

Pubescent - an intimate deodorant

Punish - similar to a pun

Reincarnation - born again as a tin of condensed milk

Onomatopoeia - first sign of a weak bladder

Mishmash - unable to attend church owing to drunkenness

Crème brûlée - the crematorium's on fire

Defective - a policeman with a speech impediment

Lockjaw - the approved medical procedure for disabling Donald Trump

Ian

 

[Jonzjob]

MORE,MORE WE WANT MORE

Just keep smiling and everyone will wonder what the **** you are up to.

 

[IWT]

More?

Euthanasia - young people in China

PMT - afternoon refreshment

Broadband - fatties excluded

Biceps - sexually confused mushrooms

Ian

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.


* I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.


* Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom


* PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


* Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.


* I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone


* This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.


* So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?


* Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.


* My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I go to the bathroom it cleans the toilet.


* Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.


* I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


* I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.


* Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.