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Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )
- Thread starter pigoo3
- Start date
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
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- Reaction score
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- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the ****, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the ****, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”
The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?”
The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeves,” the salesman said.
The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.
The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?”
The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”
The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache.”
The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one **** of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”
The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while but decided he had no choice but to go through with it.
Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit.
An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.
The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said.
The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?”
The man nodded his head.
“Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeves,” the salesman said.
The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well.
The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?”
The man nodded again.
The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”
The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”
The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one **** of a headache.”
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
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- Location
- Sacramento, California
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2009
- Messages
- 17,614
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- 1,079
- Points
- 113
- Location
- North Louisiana, USA
- Your Mac's Specs
- M1 MacMini 16 GB - Ventura, iPhone 14 Pro Max, 2015 iMac 16 GB Monterey
Did anyone else root for the coyote or am I weird? Nobody should violate the laws of physics that often.
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2008
- Messages
- 47
- Reaction score
- 28
- Points
- 18
- Your Mac's Specs
- iMac 2013 27" stuck forever on Catalina
I thought Tweety, Jerry and Beep-beep were all arseholes - taunting their "nemeses"
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2010
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- Location
- Brentwood Bay, BC, Canada
- Your Mac's Specs
- 2011 27" iMac, 1TB(partitioned) SSD, 20GB, OS X 10.11.6 El Capitan
Yep. But quietly so, because if he ever got the roadrunner then that would have been the end of the cartoon series. ;-)
The coyote may have been faster but the Roadrunner could turn much quicker and I think it also controlled all the products from the Acme store.
- Patrick
=======
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2009
- Messages
- 17,614
- Reaction score
- 1,079
- Points
- 113
- Location
- North Louisiana, USA
- Your Mac's Specs
- M1 MacMini 16 GB - Ventura, iPhone 14 Pro Max, 2015 iMac 16 GB Monterey
I thought I'd seen every Family Guy cut-away scene ever made but I don't remember that one.
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2008
- Messages
- 3,555
- Reaction score
- 610
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Canada
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions...
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2010
- Messages
- 17,541
- Reaction score
- 1,576
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Brentwood Bay, BC, Canada
- Your Mac's Specs
- 2011 27" iMac, 1TB(partitioned) SSD, 20GB, OS X 10.11.6 El Capitan
Excellent advice.
Maybe throw in a few very poor religious comments at the same time and guarantee your success even further...
- Patrick
=======
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2011
- Messages
- 4,434
- Reaction score
- 2,148
- Points
- 113
- Location
- Sacramento, California
Folks might find this article about an iPhone glitch amusing:
A bride to be discovers a reality bending mistake in Apple's computational photography
A bride to be discovers a reality bending mistake in Apple's computational photography
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