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Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

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Good one Patrick

For some reason, it reminds me about Jack who goes into his local pub, and there to his surprise, he sees Bill. They hadn't met for quite a while.

"Well, hello Bill" says Jack. "How are you - haven't seen you for ages?"

"No, it's been quite a while. My job took me away for the last three years, but now I'm back", says Bill.

"It's good to see you again, can I get you a beer after all this time?" says Jack

"Splendid idea" answers Bill and with that they start nattering about the old days.

'Are you keeping well?" says Jack.

"Mustn't grumble" comes they reply. "How about you? Weren't you having issues with your eyesight?"

"Good memory, you have." says Jack. "Well a couple of years ago I did get my vision checked out. It was twenty twenty. This year it's twenty twenty two....."
 

rps


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A seasoned hardware store owner overheard his young salesman tell a customer, " We haven't had any in quite a while, and I doesn't look like we are going to have any anytime soon." The store owner was irate. We rushed up to the customer and said, " We don't have any right now.... It is our most popular item. We have it on order and should be here tomorrow!" The customer looked puzzled as he left. The old man took the young man to his office and said, " Don't ever tell a customer that we don't have something.... we carry everything! Now what was it that you told that customer that we didn't have?" The young man replied, "Rain...."
 

krs


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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
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Subject: Chili cook off

Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know that they actually have Chili Cook Offs about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are their scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 --(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's their worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- ** hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
I'm not sure I understood the moderator on how to make a comment. I'll just say, I had tears running down my face before it was finished. Thank you so much for the laugh. I desperately needed one!!
 
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A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming an automobile repair mechanic.

He enrolls in a course at the local trade college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student.

For his final practical exam, the proctologist is asked to completely disassemble a car’s engine, rebuild it, and reassemble it.

The instructor oversees the exam, and gives the proctologist 200 points.

Confused, the proctologist asks the instructor, “Sir, the exam was only worth 100 points. Why did you give me so much extra credit?”

The instructor replies, “You got 50 points for perfectly tearing the engine down, 50 points for rebuilding it and putting back together perfectly, and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the tailpipe!”
 
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Subject: Groaners



Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I miss her still.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t "c" in the dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
 
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Try 4 HEA VEN SAKE
;)
 
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A policeman is out patrolling and sees a car driving dangerously slow on the highway. He pulls the car over and comes up to see a car full of older ladies.

“Morning officer.”

“Good morning, Ma’am. Do you know the reason I pulled you over?”

“No, sir.”

“You were doing 35 mph on the highway.”

She frowns. “The sign there says 35.”

He holds back a smirk. “That is because it is Highway 35, not 35 mph. The speed limit here is 65 mph.”

“Oh, goodness.”

“I am going to let you off. I hope this has helped.”

“Yes, indeed, officer. Thank you.”

The police officer notices the older ladies with her are quiet, staring straight ahead, and all of them are extremely pale.

“Are your passengers okay?”

The older woman says, “They’re fine, we just got off of 136.”
 
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True story - I was in Vermont having two engine change on the aircraft an decided to drive to Montreal to see a friend. I rented a car in the US and drove across the border. I was driving down a smaller highway and I thought - wow I cannot safely do the speed limit of 90... Then It dawned on me the car was registered in MPH not KM.
 

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