Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[pm-r]

I guess most Canadian members will know there is a federal election going on by the type of joke that arrives and their mailbox

And this one is no different,,,




- Patrick
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[pm-r]

But not everything is political based...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.

“I don’t remember.”



- Patrick
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[pm-r]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground
clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious
agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skilful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like ****


- Patrick
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[pm-r]

I have everything... this seems appropriate to recall at Thankgiving time...
(We celebrate Thanksgiving in October in Canada, like this weekend... plus Monday, Oct 11, 2021)


I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it”.

I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
--

Be thankful for all the things we have...


- Patrick
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[DesMoinesBoy]

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

 

[pm-r]

This might be a bit odd or funny to some, but I'll bet her password is fairly safe..




- Patrick
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[Randy B. Singer]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.

 

[DesMoinesBoy]

this lady

 

[Mitcherooney]

So this old feller goes up to an ice cream seller.
'I'd like an ice cream please', he whispers hoarsely.
'Certainly sir', says your man. 'would you like a small, medium or large one?'
"Oh, a medium I think' croaks the feller.
'Would you like strawberry sauce on that?'
'Yes please' rasped the man.
'How about some chocolate chips?'
'That'd be nice' wheezes the old feller.
'Crushed nuts?'
'No, just a sore throat' he says

 

[DesMoinesBoy]

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

 

[DesMoinesBoy]

 

[Mitcherooney]

Where's the joke?

 

[DesMoinesBoy]

the music was for halloween. Kind of reminds me of the middle school teachers I had

 

[DesMoinesBoy]

Where's the joke?

My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his **** in the sausage maker...
...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Thanksgiving!

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Thanksgiving 2

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Thanksgiving 3

 

[Randy B. Singer]

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news , some good news , and some really great news . Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your mother-in-law's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jaysus!" exclaimed Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.

 

[pm-r]

We've been having some almost record breaking Cold temperatures here lately and I was recalling this...

The Frozen Carburetor…

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper
"Carburetor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill ..."
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Hey, it worked didn't it…???


- Patrick
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[Lifeisabeach]