Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[nickyr]

I was involved in a horrific car accident last week.

I crashed on a secluded country road right in between the only two houses for miles and was trapped inside the overturned car.

The occupants of the houses, Mr and Mrs Brown and Mr and Mrs Ball, having seen nothing like this in all the years they'd lived there were arguing over who should rescue me. Suddenly the car caught fire and I screamed for them to come to their senses and rescue me.

Luckily for me I was pulled out by the Browns.

 

[pigoo3]

Luckily for me I was pulled out by the Browns.

Lol

- Nick

 

[hughvane]

Bill & Bob had been close mates for decades, sharing common interests, one of which was their respective dogs. Those animals however were regularly the cause of some jealousy & occasional argument.

Bill & Bob went fishing, dogs included. Sitting out on the calm sea off the picturesque little bay, they struck gold and hauled in fish after fish, to such an extent that the scant supply of worm bait was soon depleted.

“We’ll have to row back to shore and dig for more’, said Bill.
“No need”, said Bob, “I’ll send my dog. Tozer - can, dig, worms, go!”

The dog seized the empty can, leapt into the water, swam ashore, busied itself digging for several minutes and then returned with the can half full of wriggling worms. Bill was amazed, and congratulated Bob on a superbly trained and smart dog. The men continued fishing until that lot of bait too was gone.

Bob: “Not a problem, I’ll send Tozer again to get more.”
Bill: “No, my turn, I’ll send my dog this time. Wag - can, dig, worms, go!”

Can in mouth, Wag leapt overboard, but walked across the surface of the water to the shore, dug vigorously in the soil, and then walked back across the water to the boat. The men continued fishing, in heavy, oppressive silence.

Bill: “Say, Bob, when your dog Tozer swam ashore to get worms, I was quick to praise his skills and your efforts, but when Wag fetched worms, you said nothing. What gives?”
Bob: “We’ve been good friends for years Bill, and I wouldn’t want to say anything that’d hurt your feelings, but I did notice your dog Wag couldn’t swim.”

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Subject: Technology, 1 step forward, 2 steps back...


Hello! Gordon's pizza?

No sir... it's Google's pizza.

So it's a wrong number? Sorry.

No sir, Google bought it.

OK. Take my order please

Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

OK! That’s it …

May I suggest to you this time instead to have low-fat ricotta, arugula, and dry tomato.?

What? I hate vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How do you know?

We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want the pizza you suggested! I already take medicine .

Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card statement

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

This is not showing as per your last Tax form unless you bought them from an undeclared income source.

WHAT THE ****?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, or cable TV, and where there is no cell phone serviice, and no one to watch me or spy on me!

I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago...

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says,

"Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Some lawyer jokes:

<> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

<> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>

Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

<> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>

 

[toMACsh]

Nah! They all got out of being called for the next four years...

 

[Randy B. Singer]

‘You know what? ‘ says the 12 year old,
‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

‘Ok’ the 9 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The two boys go to the kitchen for breakfast.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 12 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'I'll have some god-**** Cherrios!' he replies.

WHACK!

She smacks him! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looks at the 9 year old and asks with a stern voice,
‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?‘

I don’t know mom, but you can bet your *ss it won’t be the god-**** Cherrios!’

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Subject: The Poodle and the Leopard

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride. A look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That strange looking animal nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Come here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine".

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....

"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

[Jonzjob]

Surely a leopard wouldn't be able to understand French?

 

[pm-r]

Surely a leopard wouldn't be able to understand French?

Why not...??? It all happened in French Guinea.



- Patrick
======

 

[Jonzjob]

Ah now, they may well parler français in French 21 shillings, but !!! they don't have any leopards init

They obviously can't get any visas

 

[RavingMac]

This was my favorite . . .

 

[RavingMac]

The peg legged Pig

A salesman driving the backroads of Kentucky noticed a old farmer rocking on his front porch, his feet propped up on the black and pink back of a large snoring Hampshire Hog.
He gave a friendly wave and started to pass on by, but suddenly braked and pulled into the yard, got out a strolled over for a closer look.

Salesman: Nice looking pig!

Farmer: That he is, smart too . . . smartest pig I’ve ever raised

Salesman: Noticed he has a wooden leg. Never seen that before

Farmer: This pig is so smart, I swear he can almost talk

Salesman: I can imagine . . . why the wooden leg?

Farmer: Last month I was pulling stumps and tractor overturned, pinned me down. Pig saw it, ran squealing for help

Salesman: (nodding his head) That’s really—

Farmer: Then, last week, my wife fell in the creek, and she don’t swim so good, probably would have drowned, but pig here, he waded in and pushed her to shore

Salesman: Wow!

Farmer: That’s nothing—three nights ago, house caught afire. We’d have burned up for sure. Pig rushed in, woke us up and led us out through the smoke

Salesman: (staring reverently at the heroic swine) Brother! I agree, that is one smart and special pig

Farmer: Exactly! You wouldn’t eat a pig like that all at once, would you?

 

[Rod]

Good one, my wife liked it too.


Sent from my iPhone using Mac-Forums

 

[RavingMac]

A man walks into a store, notices a young couple talking to the shopkeeper. The woman has a large parrot on her shoulder.

Young woman: Oh! He’s awful! He bites me, tears my clothes, and chases me around the room

Man (now standing behind the couple: What does the parrot do while all this is going on?




Problem with the above joke is it’s all true. Several years I entered a store and heard the young lady say her part as related above. I couldn’t resist and said my bit. They all turned and stared at me, so I left . . .

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Subject: The Crunch Bird

A man named Charlie had just had a fight with his wife. His wife was often very unreasonable, and he didn’t know what to do about the situation. Charlie went for a walk to clear his mind and get a moment’s peace. He was walking down the street when he came across a pet shop. He decided to go in and take a look around the shop. He took one step inside the door and stopped short, absolutely captivated by what he saw.

Behind the counter, in a giant gilded cage, was the most magnificent bird that Charlie had ever seen. Its feathers were splashed with every color in the rainbow and then some. It bobbed its stately head up and down and whistled a song so sweet it almost made Charlie cry. He simply had to know more about the bird.

He walked up to the woman behind the counter. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, politely. "What is the name of that glorious bird behind you?"

"Oh, that?" asked the clerk, with a warm smile. "That's the Crunch Bird."

"The Crunch Bird?" Charlie repeated, scratching his head. "Why is it called the Crunch Bird?"

He saw a twinkle in the clerk's eyes. "Watch this," she said. She turned and opened the cage door, and the bird made no attempt to escape. Next, she went into the back room and came back out with a wooden chair. She placed this in the center of the room. "Now, stand back," she said to Charlie, and they both retreated to the far corner of the shop. "Crunch Bird," she said. "CHAIR!"

The Crunch Bird immediately left it's cage, circled around the room once and descended upon the chair with a hideous fury, ripping it to shreds. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.

"That was amazing!" Charlie exclaimed. "I simply must have that bird!"

"I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but it's not for sale."

Charlie would not take no for an answer. He begged and pleaded, told her money was no object. Finally, the clerk relented and let Charlie have the Crunch Bird, cage and all.

When Charlie got his new pet home, he immediately called up his best friend, Bill, and invited him over. Moment's later, Bill and Charlie stood in the garage. Charlie had pushed a beautiful and very expensive mahogany desk out into the middle of the area.

He turned to Bill. "Now, watch this." He walked over to the Crunch Bird's cage, opened the door and said, "Crunch Bird, DESK!"

Just as before, the bird left its cage, flew around the garage once and descended on the desk. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.

Just then, Charlie's wife pulled into the driveway. She got out of the car, opened the garage door and was furious at what she saw. "Charlie! Are you responsible for this mess?!"

"Oh, no, Matilda," he said. "It wasn't me! It was the Crunch Bird!"

Matilda stomped her foot and shouted, "Crunch bird? CRUNCH BIRD MY AS S!"

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. (Pointing to the other boy.)
He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

 

[Jonzjob]

Sounds perfectly logical to me Randy?

OK, a true story, as true as I am standing over there.

I have had to have carpel tunnel operations on both of my hands. That was from carrying a 35 lb tool case around for 18 years. I was working, or at least employed by IBM as a mainframe hardware service engineer and as such the ops under BUPA, private cover.

When I had the second one done and the nurse was putting on a very thick dressing. I asked her if I would be able to play the piano when it came off. She said of course I would. So I told her that it would be wonderful because I had always wanted to play the piano.

She hit me!!!

 

[Slydude]

When I had the second one done and the nurse was putting on a very thick dressing. I asked her if I would be able to play the piano when it came off. She said of course I would. So I told her that it would be wonderful because I had always wanted to play the piano.

She hit me!!!

ROTFL. I might have hit you to in the same situation.