Jokes

[rman]

Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

The blonde immediately shot back, "Yep! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!

 

[rman]

Ai Chihuahua !

Here's a groaner for your Thursday.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a
beautiful, enticing, female poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time. They're speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides
to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and
cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How
well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the
Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How
about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab
and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 

[rman]

Groan

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a
head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him
to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip
of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The
bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out!!

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again.The patrons chant, "Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole
affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out!!.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the
right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over
him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...

(wait for it)





(it's coming! )



(Ya ready?)




(don't hate me)





(take a deep breath)



"He should have quit while he was a head."

 

[rman]

The Gynecologist

A gynecologist became fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge
of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up
for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

As the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had
been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which was also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50%, because you did it
all through the muffler."

 

[rman]

The Mechanic and the Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the
motor of a Harley when he spotted a famous heart
surgeon in his shop. (The doctor was waiting for the
service manager to look at his bike.) The mechanic
shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine; I can open
it up, take valves out, fix 'em or put in new parts,
and when I finish this will work just like a new one.
So how come I get a pittance and you get the really
big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over and whispered
to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is RUNNING!

 

[rman]

Best Way to Die??

Three old men were discussin' the ideal way of dying, the first man who was eighty years old said "I'd like to crash in a car going 80 MPH!" The second man who was eighty-five said "I'd like to crash in a plane going 400 MPH". The third man who was ninety-five years old said "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband"

 

[rman]

A man bought a coal mine and decided he needed to hire some people to run it for him. the first man he interviewed was a big man, so he said "I'll hire you to dig out the rocks and put them in the coal cart". The next man was a big man also, so he said "You're strong. so you'll bring the car from the back of the mine to the front" The next man was a very small, oriental man, so he said " Since you're not as big and strong, I'll put in charge of supplies"

The man came back to the mine a few weeks later and found the first man digging out rocks and putting them in the cart. The second man was pushing the cart from the back of the mine to the front just as he was suppose to. Everything seemed fine until he noticed the oriental man was nowhere to be found. He ask the other men, "Where is the oriental guy?" And they said "Oh, he's way back in the mine" So the owner walked way back in the shaft, and suddenly the oriental man jumped out yelling "Supplies! Supplies!"

 

[rman]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally? Emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Dammit! The son of a ***** has been pissing in the fridge again!"

 

[sKaD]

Keep em' comming rman

sKaD

 

[MacAddikt]

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

He shrugs and says, “Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We’re just here to paint the halls.”

 

[MacAddikt]

Why do they call it PMS?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

 

[rman]

The Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down
at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on
the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little owl-eyed drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little owl-eyed drunk and said, "I
say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
to be a ballerina!"

 

[rman]

The CEO of Heineken, Budweiser and Guiness go to a bar. The Heineken guy asks for Heineken, the Budweiser guy orders a Budweiser and the Guiness guy takes a cup of tea. The Heineken guy asks the Guiness guy:
- How come you ordered a tea?
Guiness guy replies:
- Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, I won't take it either...

 

[rman]

The cocain addict, the LSD addict and the grass addict are sitting in the cell. The cocain guy sniffs up a street:
- I'll tear apart these bars with my bare hands!
The LSD guy licks up a stamp:
- No, no, we turn to colorful butterflies and fly out from the cell!
The guy on pot blows out the smoke:
- Will do it later guys

 

[PowerBookG4]

I have been a member here for how long? I never knew this place existed.

 

[Graphite]

this is from 02-25-2003 :biohazard I was just a baby then..

 

[lionel]

Here's one which i lurve.

Microsoft Works

Heehee. XD