Jokes

[rman]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

 

[rman]

There was a woman raising her teenage granddaughter, Brandy. Brandy was getting ready to go out on the town with her friends. She came out in a see-through blouse. Granny said, "Brandy you can't go out dressed like that! Your rosebuds are showing." Brandy assured her granny that it was the style and hurried out the door before Granny could stop her. So the next day Brandy was getting ready for her friends to come over and she was startled to see Granny sitting in a chair in the living room without any shirt on. She said, "Granny my friends are coming over. Aren't you going to cover up?" Granny just looked at her and "If they like seeing two rosebuds they sure as **** won't mind a couple of hanging baskets.

 

[rman]

The lion tamer at the circus took a terrible mauling from a particularly ferocious lion. He was taken away and had to have bandages all over him. He came back to the circus just in time to see his replacement. It was a beautiful young girl in a skimpy skirt. As she went into the lion cage the nasty lion ran over to her snarling and growling. As he got up close she lifted her skirt and didn't have a stitch of clothing underneath. The lion stopped and suddenly tuned tame and stuck out his tongue and started licking. Just then the ringmaster came up to the former lion tamer and asked him why he couldn't do that. He said, "Well if you get that lion out of there I'd be willing to give it a shot."

 

[rman]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very
close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to
Human Resources. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the
co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit
against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
nice?

The woman replies, "It's Ken, the midget."

 

[rman]

How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another
6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[rman]

Bush, Blair and Saddam were playing football in Baghdad beside the river when the ball went down into the river. Bush told one of his personal bodyguards go down the river and bring the ball. The bodyguard replied, I can not go down becuase the river is full of crocodiles and i need to live because i have family and kids. So Blair told one of his personal bodyguards go down the river and bring the ball. The bodyguard replied, I can not go down becuase the river is full of crocodiles and i need to live because i have family and kids. Saddam told his bodyguard to bring the ball, the bodyguard went down the river he fought with all the crocodiles, caught the ball and returned it back to Saddam. The media after that asked him, how did you manage to do all of that are not you afraid of river crocodiles. The bodyguard replied simply, "I need to live, I have family and kids".

 

[rman]

Dr. Suess Comes To Your Computer

Bits. Bytes. Chips. Clocks.
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.

Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come

Look, sir. Look, sir. Read the book, sir.
Let's do tricks with bits and bytes sir.
Let's do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.

First, I'll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I'll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.

And here's a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.

Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.

Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and take them all out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as bytes have nibbles, your computer's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

[rman]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Click here to see what she pointed to.

 

[rman]

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you* have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon* recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,* liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she* figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way* home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,* "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of* the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you"

 

[rman]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

 

[rman]

Summer Swimming

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. Just three women entered the race: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared to be the second place finisher.

Nearly 48 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

 

[rman]

Life explained

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go into the pasture all day long, suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."* So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, and enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have
sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the
sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained...

 

[rman]

The Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[rman]

Cannibals

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm
quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do
any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which
the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been
eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat
someone important!"

 

[rman]

Financial package

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back," said Kenny.
"Can't do that," replied the farmer. "I went and spent it already."
"OK then, said Kenny, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won; so I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

 

[rman]

A guy finds an old lamp on the beach. He rubs it and a genie appears. The genie informs the guy that he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for his ex-wife will get twice as much.

"How about $1,000,000.00?" he asks.

"Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000.00 in her account as well," says the genie.

"I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" he asks.

"Your ex-wife now has two of those cars," says the genie.

The guy stopped to think for a minute, knowing that he had only one wish left. "Could you beat me half to death?"

 

[rman]

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."

 

[rman]

Get it fixed.....quick!

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

 

[rman]

A woman is traveling on a train with her baby. Two people sitting across from her can't help but stare, because the baby is very ugly. The woman tries to ignore the couple by looking out the window, but she can feel their stares.
Finally, she turns to the couple. "What?! What are you staring at?" she demands, knowing full well what the answer will be.
Shocked out of their trance, the couple blinks in embarassment. One of them says, "We're so sorry, but your baby... we've never seen such an ugly baby."
The woman begins crying and shouting at the couple. The Conductor, an old, kindly gentleman, comes over to find out what's going on.
"Those horrid people," the woman weeps while holding her baby. "They were terribly rude and hurtful to me."
The Conductor pats her on the shoulder. "Don't you listen to them. The world is full of rudeness. Now come, let me bring you some nice tea. How's that sound?"
The woman dabs her tears and gives the Conductor a weak smile. "That would be nice. Thank you very much."
"You're welcome," says the Conductor, about to leave. Then he stops and turns to her again. "Oh, and can I bring you anything for your monkey?"

 

[rman]

An older lady of the elegant and very proper type and her husband were planning a vacation in Florida, and planned to stay in a RV campground.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about toilet facilities. She couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term, "bathroom commode".

But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom-commode simply as "the B.C." "Does the campground have it's own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The "B.C." business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, and they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, after coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, the owner sat down and wrote the following reply.

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure of informing you that a B.C is located nine miles North of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful grove of pines and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband at the B.C.

"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand the whole time we were there. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

"I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

"If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to have a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Please remember, ours is a very friendly community."