Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Lifeisabeach]

So my last picture post was only to make every smile.

Well as long as we are analyzing it.... here's the original.

Remote Highway in Northern California Collapses, Forcing 200-Mile Detour: Caltrans

A remote mountain highway in Northern California completely collapsed this week, leaving a gaping hole where the pavement should be and temporarily requiring a 200-mile detour. State Route 3 in Tri…

ktla.com

As it turns out, it was two lanes. Was.....

And not Canadian.

 

[toMACsh]

So my last picture post was only to make every smile. Never figured it would be analyzed.

Well, what would help is a tongue-in-cheek emoji. ( <- the next best one, I guess)

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.

The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

 

[pm-r]

The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"

No Doubt the hot dog vendor was obviously selling his hot dogs in New York... ;-)

I'm reminded of this type of episode by this older video:
Hotdog vendor rips off customers at Ground Zero - NBC News New York

- Patrick
=======

 

[Lifeisabeach]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Lifeisabeach]

 

[Randy B. Singer]

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "Father, Father I'm cold!"

So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "Is that better Sister?" he asks. "Yes Father, much better," she replies.

So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, "Father I'm still cold!"

So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better Sister?" he asks.

"Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.

So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"

The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"

The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."

So the Father replies,
"Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear;' replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[pm-r]

What a great way to start off your day...

Laughter is Healing Commercial - 2023

- Patrick
=======

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Slydude]

What government bureaucrat thought that was a good idea?

 

[Randy B. Singer]

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. Here’s some examples:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street ... with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...
holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

 

[rps]

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. Here’s some examples:

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street ... with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...
holding someone down so they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Love these

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Jonzjob]

I always knew it as where there's a will there's a bunch of relatives.

 

[TimSteve]

Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.

“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”

“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”

 

[TimSteve]

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HAHAHAHA LOL! I hope she never finds out what happened and the husband is still alive.