We need to get you a blog Tanner.
Id host a blog for Tanner
Ummm... hasn't that been the primary focus of this thread for the last several months?
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.HEY A BIRD IS OUTSIDE.
Anyway,
I think my parents are splitting up again. I don't know though, nobody does.
It just gets SO OLD. They have yet to make it 2 years without splitting up or getting back together. I mean all they seem to do is argue for the dumbest reasons, it's not even constructive. I don't understand why they keep getting back together when every other word out of their mouth is "i hate you". It's really irritating, every time they split/reconsile. I just wish they would split and STAY that way. They're not capable of love anymore. It's never going to be a good situation.
I mean, there's a lot of good points of them being together. It's easier having one house, one address, one room and all that, but it's so not worth it hearing them screaming and generally being stupid. I thought when they finally got divorced it would be the end of it, and that they would stay apart, but apparently not.
There were a lot of pros and cons of them being apart too. It does get old only seeing my dad (well, his house really, i'm not that fond of my dad) only every other weekend and wednesdays. And the whole single parent thing, I mean being the oldest it sort of felt like I was man of the house, and that was and is a lot of responsibility that I don't want or need or can handle. My brothers don't do enough for themselves. They aren't as self sufficient as they should be. When my parents weren't living together I felt like I was raising them, and in a lot of ways I was. My mom worked 2 jobs to make ends meet and I was the one doing the laundry, giving out lunch money, waking them up, making them food, getting them to the bus and all that. And now they're huge brats, which is sort of mean for me to say, but they sort of expect things to be handed to them. They're really spoiled, and it makes me wonder where I went wrong. For a long time I was the one who really took care of them. Sometimes I think that I did a little too much, didn't make they try to do things for themselves.
And I shove it into the very back of my brain and dig those thoughts a deep grave and push it all back, but sometimes those thoughts surface, and it kills me.
I guess i've always felt a degree of resentment towards my brothers, particularly my twin brother. Honestly, sometimes I feel like he sort of overshadows me. Since he was born deaf, it's expected that he's going need a lot more care than I would, but I never expected it to still be the same way 15 years later. It's always been about him, and I feel like i've been shoved to the back burner. He's always been getting their constant attention. It's always been about helping him study, helping him understand everything, making his lunch every morning, making sure he practices his speech and everything, and I understand, but sometimes it just gets to me. My parents don't wonder if I have my homework done, they don't ask me if i've studied, they don't ask me how school is going, they don't to that for me like they do for him. They don't tell me "good job" or "keep up the good work" or "way to go" like they tell him. They don't get on my case if I have a bad grade, or if I fail a test, or anything.
And he's having some really bad behavior problems now, but he never has any consequences. My parents just act like it's normal. It's not normal to swear at your parents, or hit them, or punch holes in the walls, or break things, or throw temper tantrums like a little kid would. But they never say anything. They just ignore it. But it's a big double standard, because i'll get really sick of my parents constant screaming outside my room and tell them to shut up because they're being dumb yelling about who gave who a sweater for christmas 3 years ago, and all of a sudden when i say shut up it's like OH NO, MY CHILD IS A MONSTER, OH NO, HOW OUT OF LINE, HORRIBLE WORDS! And it was a stupid thing for me to say, but my brother will say things like that daily and it's never a big deal at all, but all of a sudden when it's me it means something. They say he "doesn't know better", but he does. He knows better, I don't know how they even deny that. He's 15 years old for crying out loud.
I just find myself resenting him. And it's horrible, but I do. I just don't like him. I try and try and try to pretend that I do, but I don't.
I'm really sorry at how long this turned out to be, or how I got to saying all of this here. It's not the place, but I just needed to put these thoughts SOMEWHERE before I explode. I'm not even expecting anyone to read this novel. It's just depressing.
That's deep inside my mind for ya.
Anyway, my room is SO CLEAN now!
IT'S GREAT!
I could break out in random dance moves right in the middle of the clean, vacuumed, wide open blue carpet of cleanliness.
I could, but I won't.
It's making me so happy.
My computer desk area is way better too, eventually i'll try to get some pics because THATS how dramatic it is.
I have a different desk, and i'm constantly opening and reopening the drawers just to admire how organized they are.
WHO HERE IS DREADING THE UPCOMING WORK/SCHOOL WEEK?!
me!
I come back from Florida, and it's nice that day. So for the first time the whole school year I wear shorts and t-shirt to school. Thursday and Friday. You know what the weather was like then... what is wrong with Minnesota?! Ahhh... Makes me want to cry getting snow, I had to brush my car off this morning before I left!
