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Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

pigoo3

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Ok...Joke of the day.:)

Rules:

- Nothing dirty.
- Nothing double entendre.
- Meets Mac-Forums Community Guidelines.
- Is not considered offensive to any human groups.
- Is not political or religious based.

I know this narrows things quite a bit...but please keep all jokes as clean as possible. If a joke is deemed too dirty/spicy for Mac-Forums...it will be deleted by the Mac-Forums Staff.

If your joke is deleted...please don't be offended...try again with a cleaner joke!:)

Have Fun!:)

p.s. These rules may be modified as the thread progress's.
 
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pigoo3

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If you thought a joke was really good (or really bad)...and are feeling "spunky" enough to reply...there's an infrequently used forum feature called a "Post Icon" that can be added to the reply...it works like this:


Click the "Go Advanced" button before posting the reply":


Screen Shot 2019-05-13 at 2.13.02 PM.png


Click on the "Post Icon" you wish to include (these include a thumb's up, thumb's down, and Question-mark)...you can also add text:


Screen Shot 2019-05-13 at 2.13.15 PM.png


Then after you've chosen a Post Icon...and you've clicked on the 'Submit Reply" button...you will see something like this:


Screen Shot 2019-05-13 at 2.31.10 PM.png


Have Fun!:)
 
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Here's a musical one. It's only slightly religious.

What's the difference between a conductor and God?

God doesn't think he's a conductor.
 

IWT


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Two Bob Monkhouse jokes. (For non-Brits, Bob Monkhouse was a household name in family comedy for over 50 years).

When I told people that I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now!

In much later life, he said this: I still get sex at 68. I live at number 70. It's a short walk.

Don't think either of these is offensive. Hope notO:)

Ian
 

pigoo3

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Lol Ian.:)

I'm guessing Brits/UK members (and possibly others around the world) may be familiar with the humor of Benny Hill. I'm thinking it may be difficult to keep most Benny Hill jokes clean enough for this thread...since much of his humor was definitely "double entendre" based.;)

- Nick
 
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Subject: Chili cook off

Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know that they actually have Chili Cook Offs about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are their scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 --(Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's their worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 

chscag

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Good one Randy! As someone from Texas, I've seen some of those Chili cook offs on the local news. And yes, Texas Chili is really that hot!
 

pigoo3

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"



kittens_dance_in_line_featured.jpg
 

IWT


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A woman brought a limp parrot into the Vet’s office. He took one look at it and said, sorry but it’s dead.

How can you be so sure, she said, you’ve not even examined it.

So the Vet went out and came in with a large black Labrador dog which jumped up on the table, sniffed the parrot all over, looked away with sad eyes and left, tail between its legs.

Next, the vet brought in a cat who did much the same thing.

The Vet then handed the woman a bill for $1500. The woman asked how the fee was so high. The Vet replied - well, if you’d accepted my opinion, it would have been $100; but with a Lab Report and a Cat Scan, it’s now $1500.

Ian
 

pigoo3

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The Vet then handed the woman a bill for $1500. The woman asked how the fee was so high. The Vet replied - well, if you’d accepted my opinion, it would have been $100; but with a Lab Report and a Cat Scan, it’s now $1500.
Lol Ian. Definitely sounds like a joke a medical professional would know!;)

- Nick
 

Slydude

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@Randy By the time I made it to chili number 5 I was laughing so hard I had to stop reading for a bit. Thanks.
 
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@Randy By the time I made it to chili number 5 I was laughing so hard I had to stop reading for a bit. Thanks.
Agreed. Love the one about the cats too.

If I know anything about Louisiana, Sly, you were probably wondering how the Texan judges would fare in your part of the world.
 
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As an attorney, I hear a LOT of attorneys jokes!...

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
 
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An older man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.

The older man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a
good laugh at the older man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the car to the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the older man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The older man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?''
 

pigoo3

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Two very good one's Randy...thanks!:)

I also go to New York City pretty often. Believe me...I totally get the high prices of NYC parking...the super small underground parking garages everywhere...and the tight entrances & exits they have. Which is why I usually take the bus, train, and subway.;)

- Nick
 
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Two Bob Monkhouse jokes. (For non-Brits, Bob Monkhouse was a household name in family comedy for over 50 years).

When I told people that I wanted to be a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now!

In much later life, he said this: I still get sex at 68. I live at number 70. It's a short walk.
Reminds (in bold above) about a Furry Lewis story - he was an old Mississippi blues performer who was 'rediscovered in the 1960s, like many others.

He was a guest on the Tonight Show in the '70s, and Johnny Carson asked if he was married, he replied, ''What do I need with a wife as long as the other man's got one.'' Johnny about fell off his chair! :D Dave
 
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If I know anything about Louisiana, Sly, you were probably wondering how the Texan judges would fare in your part of the world.

You are quite right Kevin, and Louisiana is certainly well represented on this list and oddly enough, the only one with Texas and the name is 9. Texas Pete, But it seems to be based out of: Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Power-ranking the 10 Best Hot Sauces on Earth
The 10 Best Hot Sauces on Earth, Ranked - Thrillist

Anyway the chili joke is still funny and I'm sure my son and son-in-law would love to be judges there and I'm sure it would probably be mild Chili to them.



- Patrick
======
 
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You are quite right Kevin, and Louisiana is certainly well represented on this list and oddly enough, the only one with Texas and the name is 9. Texas Pete, But it seems to be based out of: Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Power-ranking the 10 Best Hot Sauces on Earth
The 10 Best Hot Sauces on Earth, Ranked - Thrillist
Hey Patrick - my home town (also famous for Krispy Kreme donuts) - Texas Pete (and other subsequent Garner Foods products) is quite popular here - there is even a yearly downtown festival! Dave :)
.
Screen Shot 2019-05-17 at 12.12.03 PM.png
 
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Hey Patrick - my home town (also famous for Krispy Kreme donuts) - Texas Pete (and other subsequent Garner Foods products) is quite popular here - there is even a yearly downtown festival! Dave :)


Sounds good Dave.

I'll have to admit from my small experiences, but I don't think there are that many places in Canada that come close to the size and quality of BBQ cook-offs throughout the USA except maybe Alberta!! But I dare say you win with the amount and variety of BBQ sauces you have available. But a lot that we can buy up here are just too spicy HOT for my delicate mouth and stomach.

Hey, I just discovered that Sriracha Sauce is not a brand but a type of sauce!!!
What is Sriracha and Why is Everyone Talking About it?

Enjoy that Winston-Salem Festival.


- Patrick
======
 
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There was a very religious man. He prayed every day and never missed a religious event.

One day a great flood came upon his country. When the waters were a couple of inches high all over the land, a man in a Jeep came and asked him to come along with him and evacuate. He refused and said: "I believe that god will save his servant from this oppression."

He prayed all night to god. The next morning the water was a couple of feet high. A boat came by and the crew tried to take him with them. But he again refused to evacuate, saying that god would provide for him.

By next morning the waters rose and he had to seek refuge on his roof. A helicopter came, threw down a ladder, and offered to take him to safety, but again he refused assistance.

The waters continued to rise, and ultimately the religious man drowned.

Once in heaven, the religious man cried:
"Oh God! Why didn't you save me?"

God's voice rumbled in answer:
"YOU IDIOT! I SENT YOU A JEEP; I SENT YOU A BOAT; AND I SENT YOU A HELICOPTER!!!"
 
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