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Not sure I understand your problem? Did you forget the passcode for your iPad? If so, and you reset the iPad you must provide Apple with your correct Apple ID and password for the ID. What update requirement for your iPhone are you asking about? Is it an iOS update? Or is Apple asking you to verify a code they sent to your iPhone? If you had Two Factor Authentication turned on, that's probably what happened.
Since I really don't know what's going on with your Apple ID or 2FA, the only thing I can suggest is for you to contact Apple Customer Service and ask for help.
Now the iphone has a notice that we need to update the settings. Went in to login as I did on the ipad...but the system now wants the passcode for the ipad. When I put in the one I entered to login to the ipad, it will not work. Keeps telling me the wrong passcode.....flustred....
It sounds like you have two factor authentication turned on (2FA) and Apple is sending a verification code to your iPad and asking you to enter it on your iPhone. Or, even if you're not using 2FA Apple is sending a numeric code to your iPad which they want you to enter on your iPhone. Have you checked the iPad to see if a code has been sent to it from Apple?
It doesn't make sense that Apple is asking for the unlock passcode to your iPad and for you to enter it on your iPhone. If all this is confusing to you, I strongly suggest you get in touch with Apple support and find out what's going on.
We did not set up passcodes on our ipads. therefore, we do not have a passcode to enter into the iphone when it asks for one. Don't know what to do now