I can run the four minute mile in twelve minutes flat. I speak every dialect of English known to man, except for the ones that use funny-sounding words. I have numerous black belts, including a nice braided leather one from JC Penny. I am neither a space cowboy nor a gangster of love. I'm old enough to know right from wrong, but young enough not to care. I've been lucky at cards and lucky at love on the same night. People who don't know any better respect me tremendously. Sheep fear me, though squirrels do not. I am bigger than a breadbox.
I've been a rag merchant, a teacher, and an international arms dealer. I've been a poet and a philosopher, but now I know better. I've been from sea to shining sea, though I've yet to see a purple mountain. I've been a President. I've been a Champion. I have been "It" with no backsies. I've been a guest speaker, guest instructor, guest of honor, and guest at the White House. I've met Presidents, Supreme Court Justices, Congressmen, and even some important people. I've been on stage, been on television, been in the newspaper, and been on antibiotics. I'm a Republican, a Federalist, and a Hilton Honors Diamond member. I've seen the other side, and my grass is greener. I've skipped rope, skipped rocks, and skipped class ... but I never skip dinner.
I've seen them come and seen them go. I've looked high and low. I've traveled near and far. I've been up and down, sometimes simultaneously. I've run in circles, run from the police, and run a fever. I have jumped out of airplanes, swum with sharks, and eaten the worm. I have even told my wife, "Yes, that does make you look fat," and lived to tell the tale. I've trained with the best, seen the worst, and come out laughing. I've made women swoon, men cry, and children laugh. I've made my bed (and then lied in it). I've lifted weights, lifted spirits, and lifted $5 without getting caught. I've been a witness, an advocate, judge, jury, & executioner. At times I have bobbed, weaved, parried, and/or feinted. I've thrown dirty looks, impolite barbs, and fabulous parties.
I can program a VCR. I can say the alphabet backwards in six seconds ... four seconds when I'm drunk. I am recognized as one of the world's foremost experts at full-contact Scrabble. I don't make promises I can't keep, deals that aren't fair, or coffee. I always look both ways when crossing the street, always wear my seatbelt, but never read the fine print. I can turn on a dime and come to a complete stop in less than 100 feet. I'm free to move about the cabin. I can assassinate a character at ranges up to 1000yds. I can spell pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. I can recite the preamble to the Constitution from memory. I can do the Time Warp, the Macarena, and the New York Times crossword ... but never voluntarily. I can balance a spoon on my nose and vibrate my eyes. I drive fast, shoot fast, and eat fast which is to be expected; out of 1,000,000 sperm I was the fastest, after all. I regularly read my own mind without even trying.
I've been known to solve all the world's problems during my lunch break. On a good day, I can see forever. I can Yahoo, I can Google, and I have even Asked Jeeves. I could be omniscient if I only knew how. I am not superstitious, because I know that bad things always happen to superstitious people. I'm an animal, perhaps at times a vegetable, but never a mineral. I always believed it was the one-armed man. My ancestors have been warriors, slaves, holy men, bankers, and movie producers. I've been a virgo since childhood, and probably always will be. The world would be a much better place if I was in charge, but probably not for the rest of you.
I'm a realist, a skeptic, and a pessimist. Ironically, my blood type is B-positive.
I am 100% made in America.
So tell me something, anything! No matter how weird....
