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Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

pigoo3

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There are sooo many good lawyer jokes out there. Thanks Randy.:)

- Nick
 
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There are sooo many good lawyer jokes out there.
Well...there definitely are a LOT of lawyer jokes out there. I can't say that a lot of them are good. Many of them are genocide jokes with the punchline simply being that the attorneys were killed. That's not terribly funny. (Having taken a folklore class, I can tell you that many of the latter jokes are recycled "Jew" jokes having to do with genocide. Not cool at all.)

I've been collecting lawyer jokes now for over a decade. I just went through them and there are very few that I can post here. Most are at least mildly for adult audiences. So I'll probably stick with non-lawyer jokes here from now on.
 
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Subject: Painting the Porch

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
 
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Well...there definitely are a LOT of lawyer jokes out there. I can't say that a lot of them are good.
As the saying goes:
How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three. All the rest are true stories.
Speaking of which:
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
NOTE: After waking up in the recovery room after some serious surgery a year or so ago and having some bad anesthetic reactions and hallucinations, I can identify with that one!!!


- Patrick
======
 

pigoo3

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Well...there definitely are a LOT of lawyer jokes out there. I can't say that a lot of them are good.
Of course not all of them are good...I've heard a lot of the bad one's too.:(

The one's you've chosen are funny!:)

- Nick
 
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a s__thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

We didn't really care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 

pigoo3

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chscag

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Yeah, that was a good one. Randy must have quite a collection of jokes.
 
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Yeah, that was a good one. Randy must have quite a collection of jokes.
I have to admit that I have been hosting an e-mail broadcast list for Humor for over a decade.

A bunch of years ago, I hosted a discussion list for Macintosh-using attorneys that no longer exists. I posted a few jokes on that list, and they were exceptionally well received. A bunch of folks agreed that many attorneys could really use a good laugh now and then. But some of the attorneys on the list didn't want to see off-topic humor posts. So, I created an e-mail broadcast list for Humor for these folks, called The MacAttorney Humor List. Folks other than attorneys heard about the list, and they wanted "in" too, and my humor list became quite popular. That list exists to this day.

The thing is...the nature of humor is that it usually deals with socially unacceptable concepts. Humor is an outlet for these concepts. The limitations imposed in THIS forum, e.g. "Nothing dirty, Nothing double entendre, Meets Mac-Forums Community Guidelines, Is not considered offensive to any human groups, Is not political or religious based," sort of eliminates almost all humor.

I've been going through my archives, and only about one in ten or twenty jokes would be acceptable here. (And my Humor list has its own restrictive guidelines!) So while I'd like to post a bunch of good jokes here, I just don't have that many that are acceptable.
 
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house,
we had an enormous feast,
and then I killed them and took their land.
- Jon Stewart
 

pigoo3

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The thing is...the nature of humor is that it usually deals with socially unacceptable concepts. Humor is an outlet for these concepts. The limitations imposed in THIS forum, e.g. "Nothing dirty, Nothing double entendre, Meets Mac-Forums Community Guidelines, Is not considered offensive to any human groups, Is not political or religious based," sort of eliminates almost all humor.

I've been going through my archives, and only about one in ten or twenty jokes would be acceptable here. (And my Humor list has its own restrictive guidelines!) So while I'd like to post a bunch of good jokes here, I just don't have that many that are acceptable.
Yes sir...implementing a joke thread for a forum that wants to keep things "Disney Friendly" is no easy task. I agree...the guidelines for this thread are restrictive...but they do help to keep things as clean as possible.:)

Posting dirty jokes is very very very easy...there are a bazillion of these out there.;) Just like there are a bazillion comedians out there that do "dirty" comedy (very difficult to find a comedian that doesn't use curse words or directly dirty material)...but there are some.:)

Everyday I hear lots people that use the:

- "F-word"
- "S-word"
- "C-word"
- "B-word"
- etc. etc. "words"

...three times in every sentence...or are "WTF" this or "WTF" that. I think it's nice to visit a place that's free from the overused & often unnecessary use of curse words...or the vulgar words used for human body parts.

Posting "clean" jokes can be more of a challenge...but hey...I think Mac-Forum members have accepted the challenge...and are doing a great job with the clean jokes.:)

Thanks very much Randy for posting the clean jokes!:)

- Nick

p.s. Ok...off the soapbox...and back to the clean jokes.:)
 

pigoo3

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Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"..."Playing a game," the boy replied.

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

:):)
 
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...three times in every sentence...or are "WTF" this or "WTF" that. I think it's nice to visit a place that's free from the overused & often unnecessary use of curse words...
This reminds me of a friend who went mining in northern Canada in the 70s to earn some money when he realized how bad the swearing was in that situation that he was hardly aware of it and was just "normal" speach.

It finally hit him one day as to how bad it was, when he was asking some friends if they wanted to go off to a village on Hudson Bay (The closest town a few hundred km away) and he had used variations of th F word about six times in just one short sentance.

When he came back to normal civilization and living, he found it incredibly hard to speak properly and without adding in all the various swearing and F words that was so often used in the mining village that was pretty well normal for them.

Maybe more people should record their voice and listen to it, and see how they actually sound. Too often these days, its not good.



- Patrick
======
 
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and her in the lower.

At around 1:00 A.M., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold"

"I have a better idea." she replied. "Just for tonight, lets pretend we're married."

"Wow, that's a great idea." he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."

Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
 

IWT


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MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I was just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today. '

Ian
 

IWT


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.


A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.


A couple of days after that, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'


Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 



Ian
 
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