Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! : )

[Randy B. Singer]

A deaf/mute couple show up at the drugstore to purchase condoms.

The husband signs to the wife: "How can I make the druggist understand what I want?"

She signed back: "Just go in and show him your penis, and he'll figure it out."

So that's what he does. But later he comes out of the drugstore and he doesn't have any condoms.

His wife signs: "What happened? Why don't you have any condoms?"

He signs back: "I went in, and took out my penis and showed it to him. I then put $10 on the counter for the condoms. The druggist then took out his penis. His was bigger, and he took my $10 !"

 

[pm-r]

Fishing In A Puddle...

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”



- Patrick
======

 

[IWT]

Medical jokes are awkward. Can be either obscure to the layman or too near the bone for general use. But you may find this one both amusing and amazingly accurate:

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. And psychiatrists collect the rent.

Ian

 

[Jonzjob]

Being bi-polar is terrible, GREAT!

Ian, that hit the nail on the head mate!

 

[pm-r]

A Surprise...

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

[Lifeisabeach]

I've missed this thread entirely (well heck, I'm not around much these days), but here's my contribution. I'm using a service on my iPhone to intercept calls in order to control spam, and they have a variety of pre-recorded greetings you can choose from. They have a bunch of funny ones, but this is a variation of my favorite one.

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mothers maiden name.
If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

[IWT]

A joke, hopefully to cheer everyone up. It is sort of medical, but well within the bounds of decency, I think.

A new Nurse turned up on the ward. The Charge Nurse took her round the patients. One such patient was being fed by a tube into his rectum.

The new Nurse was warned that all his food had to be delivered that way, but the one thing she must never, ever do was give him a cup of tea by that route.

Time passed and the Nurse got to know this man quite well, and one day he begged her for some tea. He craved a cupful of tea. At first she refused, but his pleadings struck a chord with her and she consented.

The tea was administered. A few minutes later, there was a scream from the patient and the Nurse came running to him. “Whatever’s the matter?”, she said, trembling.

The patient said, “you forgot the sugar”.

Ian

 

[RadDave]

Posted on my FB page today - not me but I certainly remember the disc from my Windows days! Gave me a BIG chuckle - Dave
.

 

[chscag]

Yeah, that won't work Dave, it's the 2003 edition. We need the 2020 edition! LOL.

 

[pigoo3]

Good one Dave!

 

[RadDave]

1+ Guys -

 

[Rod]

I saw that but I got another laugh and yes chas, the 2003 version aint gonna work.

 

[RadDave]

I saw that but I got another laugh and yes chas, the 2003 version aint gonna work.

Yeah, that won't work Dave, it's the 2003 edition. We need the 2020 edition! LOL.

OK Guys - just you you, an updated Norton Anti-Viral Mask - ;P Dave
.

 

[Rod]

Very smart you are.

 

[Jonzjob]

Yeah, that won't work Dave, it's the 2003 edition. We need the 2020 edition! LOL.

Not just that Chas, that's for a norton virus not a corona virus. So it's absolutely useless init

Plus everything and a dog could get passed it through that tea strainer beard!

Next thing will be some idiot suggesting a flu vaccine?

 

[Randy B. Singer]

 

[Slydude]

Perhaps we share the same opinion on their burritos.

 

[chscag]

LOL, Randy. Save your copies of the LA Times, (or Sacramento Bee) never know when they'll come in handy during these times of shortages.

 

[Lifeisabeach]

View attachment 31170

Save the wrapper. It can serve double duty. ;D

 

[Randy B. Singer]