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  1. #61
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Feb 01, 2011
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    A deaf/mute couple show up at the drugstore to purchase condoms.

    The husband signs to the wife: "How can I make the druggist understand what I want?"

    She signed back: "Just go in and show him your penis, and he'll figure it out."

    So that's what he does. But later he comes out of the drugstore and he doesn't have any condoms.

    His wife signs: "What happened? Why don't you have any condoms?"

    He signs back: "I went in, and took out my penis and showed it to him. I then put $10 on the counter for the condoms. The druggist then took out his penis. His was bigger, and he took my $10 !"
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  2. #62
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pm-r's Avatar
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    Oct 16, 2010
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    Brentwood Bay, BC, Canada
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    Fishing In A Puddle...

    “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

    So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

    As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

    The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”



    - Patrick
    ======

  3. #63
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    Jan 23, 2009
    Location
    Born in Scotland, Worked in Scotland then England, Now live in Wales
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    6,053
    Your Mac's Specs
    iMac 5K Retina 27", August 2019, 3.6GHz Intel Core i9, Memory 32GB, 2TB SSD, macOS Mojave 10.14.6
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    Medical jokes are awkward. Can be either obscure to the layman or too near the bone for general use. But you may find this one both amusing and amazingly accurate:

    Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them. And psychiatrists collect the rent.

    Ian
    Ian

  4. #64
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Jonzjob's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 30, 2010
    Location
    Ex Nr Carcassonne S France. Now NW Wiltshire England
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    861
    Your Mac's Specs
    Mid 2010 MBP 13, 8 gig mem, 2 int disks 500gig SSD, 1Tb SSHD . 2010 iMac, 8 gig, 2 Tb SSHD
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    Being bi-polar is terrible, GREAT!

    Ian, that hit the nail on the head mate!
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  5. #65
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pm-r's Avatar
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    Oct 16, 2010
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    A Surprise...

    His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

    He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

    Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

    He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

    The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

    Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

    'Why?' asked the pilot.

    'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

    The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

  6. #66
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Lifeisabeach's Avatar
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    Sep 30, 2007
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    The Republic of Neptune
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    I've missed this thread entirely (well heck, I'm not around much these days), but here's my contribution. I'm using a service on my iPhone to intercept calls in order to control spam, and they have a variety of pre-recorded greetings you can choose from. They have a bunch of funny ones, but this is a variation of my favorite one.

    Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer.
    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number, and your mothers maiden name.
    If you have posttraumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y a-n-d c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

    Please verify and include the exact model/year of your Mac and OS X version number (available from "About This Mac", then "More Info" on the Apple menu).
    ------
    Links: Onyx | EasyFind | Apple Hardware Test | How to test your hard drive | The Safe Mac Adware Removal Guide | Uninstall MacKeeper
    ------
    Lifeisabeach - Mac-Forums Member of the Month June 2009, Feb 2012, and March 2013.

  7. #67
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
    Member Since
    Jan 23, 2009
    Location
    Born in Scotland, Worked in Scotland then England, Now live in Wales
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    iMac 5K Retina 27", August 2019, 3.6GHz Intel Core i9, Memory 32GB, 2TB SSD, macOS Mojave 10.14.6
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    A joke, hopefully to cheer everyone up. It is sort of medical, but well within the bounds of decency, I think.

    A new Nurse turned up on the ward. The Charge Nurse took her round the patients. One such patient was being fed by a tube into his rectum.

    The new Nurse was warned that all his food had to be delivered that way, but the one thing she must never, ever do was give him a cup of tea by that route.

    Time passed and the Nurse got to know this man quite well, and one day he begged her for some tea. He craved a cupful of tea. At first she refused, but his pleadings struck a chord with her and she consented.

    The tea was administered. A few minutes later, there was a scream from the patient and the Nurse came running to him. “Whatever’s the matter?”, she said, trembling.

    The patient said, “you forgot the sugar”.

    Ian
    Ian

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