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  1. #46
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Some lawyer jokes:

    <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>

    When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>

    Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?

    They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.

    <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <> ========== <>
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  2. #47
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    toMACsh's Avatar
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    Nah! They all got out of being called for the next four years...

  3. #48
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    ‘You know what? ‘ says the 12 year old,
    ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’

    ‘Ok’ the 9 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The two boys go to the kitchen for breakfast.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 12 year old what he wants for breakfast.

    'I'll have some god-damn Cherrios!' he replies.

    WHACK!

    She smacks him! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looks at the 9 year old and asks with a stern voice,
    ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?‘

    I don’t know mom, but you can bet your *ss it won’t be the god-damn Cherrios!’
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  4. #49
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Subject: The Poodle and the Leopard

    A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

    So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!

    Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

    Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride. A look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That strange looking animal nearly had me."

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

    But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Come here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine".

    Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....

    "Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  5. #50
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Jonzjob's Avatar
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    Surely a leopard wouldn't be able to understand French?
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  6. #51
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pm-r's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonzjob View Post
    Surely a leopard wouldn't be able to understand French?

    Why not...??? It all happened in French Guinea.



    - Patrick
    ======

  7. #52
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    Jonzjob's Avatar
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    Ah now, they may well parler français in French 21 shillings, but !!! they don't have any leopards init

    They obviously can't get any visas
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  8. #53
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    RavingMac's Avatar
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    This was my favorite . . .
    I've always wanted to be smart, handsome and modest. But, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with two out of three . . .

  9. #54
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    RavingMac's Avatar
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    The peg legged Pig

    A salesman driving the backroads of Kentucky noticed a old farmer rocking on his front porch, his feet propped up on the black and pink back of a large snoring Hampshire Hog.
    He gave a friendly wave and started to pass on by, but suddenly braked and pulled into the yard, got out a strolled over for a closer look.

    Salesman: Nice looking pig!

    Farmer: That he is, smart too . . . smartest pig I’ve ever raised

    Salesman: Noticed he has a wooden leg. Never seen that before

    Farmer: This pig is so smart, I swear he can almost talk

    Salesman: I can imagine . . . why the wooden leg?

    Farmer: Last month I was pulling stumps and tractor overturned, pinned me down. Pig saw it, ran squealing for help

    Salesman: (nodding his head) That’s really—

    Farmer: Then, last week, my wife fell in the creek, and she don’t swim so good, probably would have drowned, but pig here, he waded in and pushed her to shore

    Salesman: Wow!

    Farmer: That’s nothing—three nights ago, house caught afire. We’d have burned up for sure. Pig rushed in, woke us up and led us out through the smoke

    Salesman: (staring reverently at the heroic swine) Brother! I agree, that is one smart and special pig

    Farmer: Exactly! You wouldn’t eat a pig like that all at once, would you?
    I've always wanted to be smart, handsome and modest. But, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with two out of three . . .

  10. #55
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    Rod's Avatar
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    Good one, my wife liked it too.


    Sent from my iPhone using Mac-Forums
    I used to be conceited but now I'm perfect.

  11. #56
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    RavingMac's Avatar
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    A man walks into a store, notices a young couple talking to the shopkeeper. The woman has a large parrot on her shoulder.

    Young woman: Oh! He’s awful! He bites me, tears my clothes, and chases me around the room

    Man (now standing behind the couple: What does the parrot do while all this is going on?




    Problem with the above joke is it’s all true. Several years I entered a store and heard the young lady say her part as related above. I couldn’t resist and said my bit. They all turned and stared at me, so I left . . .
    I've always wanted to be smart, handsome and modest. But, I guess I'll have to be satisfied with two out of three . . .

  12. #57
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    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Subject: The Crunch Bird

    A man named Charlie had just had a fight with his wife. His wife was often very unreasonable, and he didn’t know what to do about the situation. Charlie went for a walk to clear his mind and get a moment’s peace. He was walking down the street when he came across a pet shop. He decided to go in and take a look around the shop. He took one step inside the door and stopped short, absolutely captivated by what he saw.

    Behind the counter, in a giant gilded cage, was the most magnificent bird that Charlie had ever seen. Its feathers were splashed with every color in the rainbow and then some. It bobbed its stately head up and down and whistled a song so sweet it almost made Charlie cry. He simply had to know more about the bird.

    He walked up to the woman behind the counter. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, politely. "What is the name of that glorious bird behind you?"

    "Oh, that?" asked the clerk, with a warm smile. "That's the Crunch Bird."

    "The Crunch Bird?" Charlie repeated, scratching his head. "Why is it called the Crunch Bird?"

    He saw a twinkle in the clerk's eyes. "Watch this," she said. She turned and opened the cage door, and the bird made no attempt to escape. Next, she went into the back room and came back out with a wooden chair. She placed this in the center of the room. "Now, stand back," she said to Charlie, and they both retreated to the far corner of the shop. "Crunch Bird," she said. "CHAIR!"

    The Crunch Bird immediately left it's cage, circled around the room once and descended upon the chair with a hideous fury, ripping it to shreds. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.

    "That was amazing!" Charlie exclaimed. "I simply must have that bird!"

    "I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, "but it's not for sale."

    Charlie would not take no for an answer. He begged and pleaded, told her money was no object. Finally, the clerk relented and let Charlie have the Crunch Bird, cage and all.

    When Charlie got his new pet home, he immediately called up his best friend, Bill, and invited him over. Moment's later, Bill and Charlie stood in the garage. Charlie had pushed a beautiful and very expensive mahogany desk out into the middle of the area.

    He turned to Bill. "Now, watch this." He walked over to the Crunch Bird's cage, opened the door and said, "Crunch Bird, DESK!"

    Just as before, the bird left its cage, flew around the garage once and descended on the desk. When nothing was left but wood chips and sawdust, the bird calmly returned to its cage.

    Just then, Charlie's wife pulled into the driveway. She got out of the car, opened the garage door and was furious at what she saw. "Charlie! Are you responsible for this mess?!"

    "Oh, no, Matilda," he said. "It wasn't me! It was the Crunch Bird!"

    Matilda stomped her foot and shouted, "Crunch bird? CRUNCH BIRD MY AS S!"
    Last edited by Randy B. Singer; 07-11-2019 at 08:57 AM.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  13. #58
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    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

    "Eight," the boy replied.

    The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

    The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. (Pointing to the other boy.)
    He's my brother. He's four.
    We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  14. #59
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    Jonzjob's Avatar
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    Sounds perfectly logical to me Randy?

    OK, a true story, as true as I am standing over there.

    I have had to have carpel tunnel operations on both of my hands. That was from carrying a 35 lb tool case around for 18 years. I was working, or at least employed by IBM as a mainframe hardware service engineer and as such the ops under BUPA, private cover.

    When I had the second one done and the nurse was putting on a very thick dressing. I asked her if I would be able to play the piano when it came off. She said of course I would. So I told her that it would be wonderful because I had always wanted to play the piano.

    She hit me!!!
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  15. #60
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    Slydude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonzjob View Post

    When I had the second one done and the nurse was putting on a very thick dressing. I asked her if I would be able to play the piano when it came off. She said of course I would. So I told her that it would be wonderful because I had always wanted to play the piano.

    She hit me!!!
    ROTFL. I might have hit you to in the same situation.
    “Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard.”
    Kevin Durant

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