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  1. #31
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chscag View Post
    Yeah, that was a good one. Randy must have quite a collection of jokes.
    I have to admit that I have been hosting an e-mail broadcast list for Humor for over a decade.

    A bunch of years ago, I hosted a discussion list for Macintosh-using attorneys that no longer exists. I posted a few jokes on that list, and they were exceptionally well received. A bunch of folks agreed that many attorneys could really use a good laugh now and then. But some of the attorneys on the list didn't want to see off-topic humor posts. So, I created an e-mail broadcast list for Humor for these folks, called The MacAttorney Humor List. Folks other than attorneys heard about the list, and they wanted "in" too, and my humor list became quite popular. That list exists to this day.

    The thing is...the nature of humor is that it usually deals with socially unacceptable concepts. Humor is an outlet for these concepts. The limitations imposed in THIS forum, e.g. "Nothing dirty, Nothing double entendre, Meets Mac-Forums Community Guidelines, Is not considered offensive to any human groups, Is not political or religious based," sort of eliminates almost all humor.

    I've been going through my archives, and only about one in ten or twenty jokes would be acceptable here. (And my Humor list has its own restrictive guidelines!) So while I'd like to post a bunch of good jokes here, I just don't have that many that are acceptable.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  2. #32
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
    I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house,
    we had an enormous feast,
    and then I killed them and took their land.
    - Jon Stewart
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  3. #33
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pigoo3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Randy B. Singer View Post
    The thing is...the nature of humor is that it usually deals with socially unacceptable concepts. Humor is an outlet for these concepts. The limitations imposed in THIS forum, e.g. "Nothing dirty, Nothing double entendre, Meets Mac-Forums Community Guidelines, Is not considered offensive to any human groups, Is not political or religious based," sort of eliminates almost all humor.

    I've been going through my archives, and only about one in ten or twenty jokes would be acceptable here. (And my Humor list has its own restrictive guidelines!) So while I'd like to post a bunch of good jokes here, I just don't have that many that are acceptable.
    Yes sir...implementing a joke thread for a forum that wants to keep things "Disney Friendly" is no easy task. I agree...the guidelines for this thread are restrictive...but they do help to keep things as clean as possible.

    Posting dirty jokes is very very very easy...there are a bazillion of these out there. Just like there are a bazillion comedians out there that do "dirty" comedy (very difficult to find a comedian that doesn't use curse words or directly dirty material)...but there are some.

    Everyday I hear lots people that use the:

    - "F-word"
    - "S-word"
    - "C-word"
    - "B-word"
    - etc. etc. "words"

    ...three times in every sentence...or are "WTF" this or "WTF" that. I think it's nice to visit a place that's free from the overused & often unnecessary use of curse words...or the vulgar words used for human body parts.

    Posting "clean" jokes can be more of a challenge...but hey...I think Mac-Forum members have accepted the challenge...and are doing a great job with the clean jokes.

    Thanks very much Randy for posting the clean jokes!

    - Nick

    p.s. Ok...off the soapbox...and back to the clean jokes.
    - Too many "beachballs", read this: Beachballs
    - Computer seems slower than it used to? Read this for some slow computer tips: Speedup
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  4. #34
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pigoo3's Avatar
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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble.

    One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

    Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"..."Playing a game," the boy replied.

    "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

    - Too many "beachballs", read this: Beachballs
    - Computer seems slower than it used to? Read this for some slow computer tips: Speedup
    - Almost full hard drive? Some solutions. Out of Space
    - Apple Battery Info. Battery

  5. #35
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pm-r's Avatar
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    ...three times in every sentence...or are "WTF" this or "WTF" that. I think it's nice to visit a place that's free from the overused & often unnecessary use of curse words...
    This reminds me of a friend who went mining in northern Canada in the 70s to earn some money when he realized how bad the swearing was in that situation that he was hardly aware of it and was just "normal" speach.

    It finally hit him one day as to how bad it was, when he was asking some friends if they wanted to go off to a village on Hudson Bay (The closest town a few hundred km away) and he had used variations of th F word about six times in just one short sentance.

    When he came back to normal civilization and living, he found it incredibly hard to speak properly and without adding in all the various swearing and F words that was so often used in the mining village that was pretty well normal for them.

    Maybe more people should record their voice and listen to it, and see how they actually sound. Too often these days, its not good.



    - Patrick
    ======

  6. #36
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and her in the lower.

    At around 1:00 A.M., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold"

    "I have a better idea." she replied. "Just for tonight, lets pretend we're married."

    "Wow, that's a great idea." he exclaimed.

    "Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket."

    After a moment of silence, he farted.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  7. #37
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

    Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!"

    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck."

    Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!"

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."

    Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "Been in the business 60 years!"

    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

    Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  8. #38
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I was just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today. '

    Ian
    Ian

  9. #39
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

    
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    
A couple of days after that, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

    
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 



    Ian
    Ian

  10. #40
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    An image totally suitable for a Forum like ours:

    Joke - birds and WiFi.jpg

    Ian
    Ian

  11. #41
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    nickyr's Avatar
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    I was involved in a horrific car accident last week.

    I crashed on a secluded country road right in between the only two houses for miles and was trapped inside the overturned car.

    The occupants of the houses, Mr and Mrs Brown and Mr and Mrs Ball, having seen nothing like this in all the years they'd lived there were arguing over who should rescue me. Suddenly the car caught fire and I screamed for them to come to their senses and rescue me.

    Luckily for me I was pulled out by the Browns.
    Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern....of Ülm

  12. #42
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    pigoo3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nickyr View Post
    Luckily for me I was pulled out by the Browns.
    Lol

    - Nick
    - Too many "beachballs", read this: Beachballs
    - Computer seems slower than it used to? Read this for some slow computer tips: Speedup
    - Almost full hard drive? Some solutions. Out of Space
    - Apple Battery Info. Battery

  13. #43
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    hughvane's Avatar
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    Bill & Bob had been close mates for decades, sharing common interests, one of which was their respective dogs. Those animals however were regularly the cause of some jealousy & occasional argument.

    Bill & Bob went fishing, dogs included. Sitting out on the calm sea off the picturesque little bay, they struck gold and hauled in fish after fish, to such an extent that the scant supply of worm bait was soon depleted.

    “We’ll have to row back to shore and dig for more’, said Bill.
    “No need”, said Bob, “I’ll send my dog. Tozer - can, dig, worms, go!”

    The dog seized the empty can, leapt into the water, swam ashore, busied itself digging for several minutes and then returned with the can half full of wriggling worms. Bill was amazed, and congratulated Bob on a superbly trained and smart dog. The men continued fishing until that lot of bait too was gone.

    Bob: “Not a problem, I’ll send Tozer again to get more.”
    Bill: “No, my turn, I’ll send my dog this time. Wag - can, dig, worms, go!”

    Can in mouth, Wag leapt overboard, but walked across the surface of the water to the shore, dug vigorously in the soil, and then walked back across the water to the boat. The men continued fishing, in heavy, oppressive silence.

    Bill: “Say, Bob, when your dog Tozer swam ashore to get worms, I was quick to praise his skills and your efforts, but when Wag fetched worms, you said nothing. What gives?”
    Bob: “We’ve been good friends for years Bill, and I wouldn’t want to say anything that’d hurt your feelings, but I did notice your dog Wag couldn’t swim.”
    ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
    Please post your Mac (or other) specs and MacOS version in your post, your profile or your signature. It helps us to help you better.

    I'm leaving now to go and find myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

  14. #44
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Subject: Technology, 1 step forward, 2 steps back...


    Hello! Gordon's pizza?

    No sir... it's Google's pizza.

    So it's a wrong number? Sorry.

    No sir, Google bought it.

    OK. Take my order please

    Well sir, you want the usual?

    The usual? You know me?

    According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

    OK! That’s it …

    May I suggest to you this time instead to have low-fat ricotta, arugula, and dry tomato.?

    What? I hate vegetables.

    Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

    How do you know?

    We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

    Okay, but I do not want the pizza you suggested! I already take medicine .

    Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

    I bought more from another drugstore.

    It's not showing on your credit card statement

    I paid in cash.

    But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

    I have other sources of cash.

    This is not showing as per your last Tax form unless you bought them from an undeclared income source.

    WHAT THE HELL?

    I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

    Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, or cable TV, and where there is no cell phone serviice, and no one to watch me or spy on me!

    I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago...
    Last edited by Randy B. Singer; 05-24-2019 at 06:29 AM.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  15. #45
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

    The robot slaps the son.

    The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

    Son says,

    "Toy Story."

    The robot slaps the son.

    Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

    Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

    The robot slaps the father.

    Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

    The robot slaps the mother.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

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