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  1. #136
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Feb 01, 2011
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    Sacramento, California
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    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  2. #137
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    Jan 23, 2009
    Location
    Born in Scotland, Worked in Scotland then England, Now live in Wales
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    6,484
    Your Mac's Specs
    iMac 5K Retina 27", August 2019, 3.6GHz Intel Core i9, Memory 32GB, 2TB SSD, macOS Mojave 10.14.6
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    Taking Randy's alternative definitions as a guide:

    Pubescent - an intimate deodorant

    Punish - similar to a pun

    Reincarnation - born again as a tin of condensed milk

    Onomatopoeia - first sign of a weak bladder

    Mishmash - unable to attend church owing to drunkenness

    Crème brûlée - the crematorium's on fire

    Defective - a policeman with a speech impediment

    Lockjaw - the approved medical procedure for disabling Donald Trump

    Ian
    Ian

  3. #138
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Jonzjob's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 30, 2010
    Location
    Ex Nr Carcassonne S France. Now NW Wiltshire England
    Posts
    935
    Your Mac's Specs
    Mid 2010 MBP 13, 8 gig mem, 2 int disks 500gig SSD, 1Tb SSHD . 2010 iMac, 8 gig, 2 Tb SSHD
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    MORE,MORE WE WANT MORE

    Just keep smiling and everyone will wonder what the hell you are up to.
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  4. #139
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
    Member Since
    Jan 23, 2009
    Location
    Born in Scotland, Worked in Scotland then England, Now live in Wales
    Posts
    6,484
    Your Mac's Specs
    iMac 5K Retina 27", August 2019, 3.6GHz Intel Core i9, Memory 32GB, 2TB SSD, macOS Mojave 10.14.6
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    More?

    Euthanasia - young people in China

    PMT - afternoon refreshment

    Broadband - fatties excluded

    Biceps - sexually confused mushrooms

    Ian
    Ian

  5. #140
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.


    * I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.


    * Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom


    * PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


    * Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.


    * I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone


    * This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.


    * So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?


    * Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.


    * My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I go to the bathroom it cleans the toilet.


    * Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.


    * I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


    * I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.


    * Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  6. #141
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
    Member Since
    Feb 01, 2011
    Location
    Sacramento, California
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    1,926
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    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

  7. #142
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Jonzjob's Avatar
    Member Since
    Mar 30, 2010
    Location
    Ex Nr Carcassonne S France. Now NW Wiltshire England
    Posts
    935
    Your Mac's Specs
    Mid 2010 MBP 13, 8 gig mem, 2 int disks 500gig SSD, 1Tb SSHD . 2010 iMac, 8 gig, 2 Tb SSHD
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    My dishwasher broke down yesterday !

    I just gave her a bit of a slap and she's OK now
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  8. #143
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Jonzjob's Avatar
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    Mar 30, 2010
    Location
    Ex Nr Carcassonne S France. Now NW Wiltshire England
    Posts
    935
    Your Mac's Specs
    Mid 2010 MBP 13, 8 gig mem, 2 int disks 500gig SSD, 1Tb SSHD . 2010 iMac, 8 gig, 2 Tb SSHD
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    I hope that you don't mind Randy, but I'm using some of your stuff elsewhere?

    It doesn't really matter if you do 'cause there's nowt you can do about it
    John.
    Never forget that you are unique, just like everyone else.
    http://johnamandiers.wix.com/johns-w-o-w-1
    MBP and iMac on High Sierra.

  9. #144
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    IWT's Avatar
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    Jan 23, 2009
    Location
    Born in Scotland, Worked in Scotland then England, Now live in Wales
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    6,484
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    iMac 5K Retina 27", August 2019, 3.6GHz Intel Core i9, Memory 32GB, 2TB SSD, macOS Mojave 10.14.6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonzjob View Post
    My dishwasher broke down yesterday !

    I just gave her a bit of a slap and she's OK now
    She's OK now; but how about you??? Few survive.

    Ian
    Ian

  10. #145
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Slydude's Avatar
    Member Since
    Nov 16, 2009
    Location
    North Louisiana, USA
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    15,038
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    2.8 GHz 2008 MacBook Pro 10.11, 8 GB mem, iPhone XS, 2015 iMac 16 GB 10.15.5 beta
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    Thanks folks I needed that.
    “Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard.”
    Kevin Durant

  11. #146
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )

    Member Since
    Jul 21, 2016
    Location
    Derby England.
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    244
    Your Mac's Specs
    21 inch iMac/Mojave. iPhones 5c&8
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    An old man at the Doctor's reception desk and was asked "Why are you here?". "There is something wrong with my ****!" "Oh you dirty old man, go outside and think of something more suitable" This he did and when re-asked "Why are you here?" He said "There is something wrong with my ear." That is much better my man; now what is wrong with your ear?" The man replied "I cannot wee out of it!!!"

    Bet that will make the CUT and not appear!!! Oh well it was worth a try because being an old man I like it very much!!!
    You failed to prepare, now prepare to fail.
    Growing old is Inevitable -- Growing up is Optional!

  12. #147
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    MacInWin's Avatar
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    Jan 01, 2009
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    Winchester, VA
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    7,863
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    MBP 15" Mid 2015, iPhone 11 Pro, an iMac, plus ATVs, AWatch, MacMini
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    I don't have a joke, but an observation: The Shining is starting to look like a documentary.
    Jake

  13. #148
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Sawday's Avatar
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    Nov 19, 2006
    Location
    York, UK
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    1,605
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    Experience teaches you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

  14. #149
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Slydude's Avatar
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    North Louisiana, USA
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    When I first glanced that picture I thought someone had drawn N - 95 masks on there.
    “Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard.”
    Kevin Durant

  15. #150
    Joke of the Day (Warning some jokes may cause laughter)!!! :  )
    Randy B. Singer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jonzjob View Post
    I hope that you don't mind Randy, but I'm using some of your stuff elsewhere?
    I don't mind at all.

    We all need to have a laugh right now.
    Randy B. Singer
    Co-author of The Macintosh Bible (4th, 5th, and 6th editions)
    Mac OS X Routine Maintenance • http://www.macattorney.com/ts.html

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