Post A Joke Thread

There have been some heated debates lately in the Anything Goes forum, so I figure this will be a good relaxer. I dont know if this has been done before but the "rules" are fairly simple: hear a good joke or come across one on the internet, post it in the thread. Let's keep it clean. I shall start. It's kind of long, but good.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

I think it's a great idea ^^

I do remember that one! Didn't know it was tue story tho

So I'll contribue with something a friend sent me a few years ago, and to this day I LOVE IT!

(Hope you all read The Raven)

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, >From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Not really a "joke", but pretty funny and in the same vein as your joke: http://youtube.com/watch?v=QFS0xl4_LAA

A guy got fired from Apple's sales support after writing this (very funny) poem.

i don't have a joke for you guys, but Lucibel.. that was awesome.

It's a shame that guy got fired from Apple. I bet he brought a lot of fun in to the office

My daughter's favorite jokes:

What did the pig say after he fell off the swing set? ... "Oh my Achin' Bacon!"

Why is 6 afraid of 7? ... Because 7 .. 8 .. 9! (get it... 8... "ate" )

Thank you... thank you... I'll be here all week, please don't forget to tip your wait staff.

Shannonb - great story! As someone who has worked in customer service, I've definitely had moments like where I was dying to cross that line!

Lucibel - great spoof of "The Raven". Even got the cadence of the original poem down.

Ok, hopefully nobody gets offended by this. It involves race, but I think it's a great anti-racial joke that's a good weapon against white supremacist jerks who tell harsh racial jokes all the time.

What do you call 300 white guys trying to beat one black guy or "indian" guy?

The PGA Tour.
(Tiger Woods or Vijay Singh: two golf idols and role models)

I heard that from the movie "Guess Who" and told it to some idiots telling racial jokes. Before they understood it they started to laugh, but then got real quiet, which made me laugh historically at them!

RIDE said:

My daughter's favorite jokes:

What did the pig say after he fell off the swing set? ... "Oh my Achin' Bacon!"

Why is 6 afraid of 7? ... Because 7 .. 8 .. 9! (get it... 8... "ate" )

Thank you... thank you... I'll be here all week, please don't forget to tip your wait staff.

Click to expand...

You do realize, don't you, that if you would have set up an account here for your daughter she would have gotten no heat for those "jokes.?" ;D

I just remembered an older joke that a teacher in high school told. So, I deleted my old joke to post this one. My teacher was from Wisconsin, so he hated Iowa. So he'd basically take blonde jokes and turn them into Iowan jokes. But this one was pretty good.

So a guy is trying to show this newly wed couple a house that they're interested in buying. He goes room to room showing them everything. You know, doing what a realtor does. Then, without warning, he opens the window and yells, "Green side up!" The couple ignored it and just kept looking at the house. The realtor took them upstairs and showed them the office and then again he opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" The couple was confused, but they shrugged it off and kept looking at what could be their new home. They went to another room and again the realtor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Finally, the couple asked him why he kept yelling, "Green side up!" out the window. The realtor said, "Oh, I'm just a little frustrated right now, I have a group of Iowans laying down sod next door."

Here's another pretty good one he told, even though it was an obvious spin on a blonde joke:

So a guy walks into a store in a Hawkeyes t-shirt looking for a TV. He sees one he likes, so he tells the salesman that he wants to buy it. The salesman says, "Sorry, we don't sell to Iowans." The guy was a little mad about this, so the next day he just came in in a regular t-shirt, and wore his glasses this time to look different, and asked to buy the TV. Again, the salesman said, "We don't sell to Iowans." Now the guy was really mad, so he put on a Badgers hoodie because no self respecting Iowan would ever wear a Badgers hoodie, and also a fake mustache.. So he came in and again he asked to buy the TV. And again, the salesman said, "We don't sell to Iowans." The guy had enough and said, "How do you know I'm from Iowa? I've changed the way I look, and I'm wearing a Badgers hoodie." The salesman said, "Because we only sell microwaves here."

Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not arrived, Had
not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
Computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted
With a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"The child whispered, " No ."Surprised and wanting to
talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, The boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, The boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
Through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."