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A little bit of fun for our trans Atlantic cousins..

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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN…

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Pinched from one of my U.K. woodwork forums, so I'm just the messenger;);)
 
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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN…

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately......

Pinched from one of my U.K. woodwork forums, so I'm just the messenger;);)

Hi Jonzjob - enjoyed! :) I belong to a number of woodworking forums (frequent Woodnet the most w/ my three favorite forums being woodworking, woodworking machines, & finishing) - but I must say that 'woodworkers' seem to have a broad spectrum of humor even when poking fun at each other!

Just getting back into woodworking after a 2-year hiatus (needed surgery for a ganglion cyst on my left thumb - numb sensation for nearly a year to let that nerve recover) - SO, I treated myself to a few new tools (shown below) as replacements for several older ones - Dave
.
Screen Shot 2016-01-07 at 10.40.14 AM.png Screen Shot 2016-01-07 at 10.42.21 AM.png
 
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16. All Americans will be required to learn the difference between a fanny and a bum, at age 21.
 
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17. The giving of tips will be for service above and beyond the duties of a job (that's what wages are for). Henceforth just doing your job will not justify a tip.
18. The phrase "Have a nice day" will be banned in all public places.
19. Dates will be written in the correct format viz DD/MM/YY.
 
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And remember they are 'bumbags' not 'fanny bags'. And if you sip your tea out of the saucer my Royal Pembroke Corgi will have you!!!!!
 
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20. And a Trump is a Fart. Hang on that one can stay.
 

cwa107


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I've seen this one floating around before, and all I'll say is this...

Give me a call once you've landed a man on the moon. Until then, I'll continue to enjoy language, sports, weapons, vehicles, food, drink and measurement systems in the way that God intended... that is, the American way :)

And by the way, if you're British, you don't get to criticize other nations' cuisine. Period.
 

IWT


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And by the way, if you're British, you don't get to criticize other nations' cuisine. Period.

Sorry. That should be "Full Stop".;)

Ian
 
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A sense of humour will become a requirement too.
 
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Saw this in an email stream from a bunch of my Brit compatriots from when I lived nr. Bury St. Edmunds. Commented back on #12. Baseball IS played in other countries—Canada, Australia, Japan, Venezuela, Santo Domingo, Mexico, most of the Latin America countries and we’ve recruited at least two professionals from India (javelin throwers who were brought in an taught to pitch). And the batters face the ball with just helmets, thank-you-very-much! Not armored like armadillos of those cricket pooftas!
 
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"Not armored like armadillos of those cricket pooftas! "

Or the American footballers eh compaired to the mans game :p:p:*
 
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Hey I am just admiring RadDave's Makita biscuit cutter - sweet! I had one back in my wood shop teaching days. Portable battery powered hand drill looks nice too! I still have a weakness for tools.

Lisa
 
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Hey I am just admiring RadDave's Makita biscuit cutter - sweet! I had one back in my wood shop teaching days. Portable battery powered hand drill looks nice too! I still have a weakness for tools.

Hi Lisa - thanks for noticing my 'new' tools - I used a DeWalt biscuit joiner for years but the 'wafers' were always loose - test cuts w/ the Makita show a tighter fit, so will come up w/ a project to test.

As to the drills, I have a tier of 3 Li-Ion tools (others 14.4V Panasonic & 18V Bosch) - this one replaces my lower voltage Milwaukee which did not hold the drill bits well and needed an additional 'bare' tool for right-angle needs; so, the new Festool (love that company - have two of their sanders & their jigsaw) in one drill has replaceable chucks as shown in the pic (regular drill, right-angle, and hex adapter) - donated the old tools to our local Habitat for Humanity store. Dave :)
 
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RadDave - I love Li-ion tools. I have a small Black & Decker hand drill that I use at work. I am amazed that even though it is small I can drill metal with it and my chief use is as a power screw driver. While I no longer teach and have a full shop, I still collect tools just because I like them and you just never know when you may need them. ;)

I can still use the school shop if I need to as I am still friends with the girl who took over when I retired. I use to make a lot of wood items for Christmas presents etc. The wood shop teacher and I use to team teach so we would buy our tools with the idea we could share them. I occasionally do a bit of custom work if I need something for home.

Lisa
 
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I've never had a biscuit joiner Dave, I use a cutter in my router, not the internet type before anyone questions :Mischievous: It looks like a handy bit of kit!

If you have aq look at my web site you'll see that I don't do much joinery.:Confused::Confused:

Bumbags are called les banane, pronounced banann. Very confusing!
 

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Being Australian I can be critical of both sides. As far as the reference to Ausralian cricket pooftas wearing armadillo like protection you will note that American baseball players do not face a ball that has bounced of an uneven pitch at 140 Km/hr. (That's 87 miles/hr) Yet the keepers wear enough body armour to stop a cannon while ours wear only gloves. Lastly the term US English is a contradiction, it is either English or it is not. I have no objection to it being called American but spelling everything phonetically is not English.
Interestingly dialog and dialogue are both accepted by the spell checker on my iPhone whereas criticize and theater are not.


Sent from my iPhone using Mac Forums
 
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:Blushing::Blushing:Oh dear, one can of worms opened here me-thinks:Blushing::Blushing:

Still, never mind we can all have a nice cup of tea :Cool: Though preferably not in Boston ;P;P
 
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MacInWin

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On the cricket front, I do recognize the awkwardness of bouncing the ball off the wicket at 140 kph, but in the baseball game at the professional level the pitchers routinely deliver the pitch at between 145 kph (90 mph) and 160 kph (100 mph). One of the pitchers on the team I follow has actually been recorded at 103 mph (166 kph). I do admire anyone who can stand in front of either, frankly. I have played cricket and was NOT bowled for a duck, but was caught out for 2. At least I scored!
 
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Your problem Jake was you did not have enough innings. Everyone gets a duck at some time lol! Even a golden one!!!

Pointless argument Rod we will NEVER win, and do not mention the over padded. helmeted out of condition gridiron players!
 
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MacInWin

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Harry, it was definitely quit while I was ahead! I did pretty well fielding, however. Cricket and baseball are similar in that aspect. I actually do like cricket, although my wife thinks it's slower than watching paint dry. Which, I think, is probably the point. Sleeping quietly in your chair, pint at hand, awaking to the gentle applause for a well-struck six, ah, the simple pleasures!
 
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