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Jokes

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Quote from MacFora posted by Graphite:


       

Lol  good ones
 
A setback in Iraqi-American relations
 
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. 
 
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
 
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
 
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
 
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
 
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Eternal Judgement 
 
 
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy. 
 
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
 
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
 
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
 
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and can't help himself ? he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He disappears.
 
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul disappears.
 
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THE PROBLEMS OF INTERNATIONAL POLITICS!

*************************************************************

Conversation between George W. Bush and Condolezza Rice: (At the White House...)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
 
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rman

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I second that. :D :D

Updated version of who's on first.
 
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rman

rman


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After a long night of intenisive lovemaking the guy
notices a picture of a dude on the coffee table, so he asks the girl:

Your husband? -asks nervously

No baby, you know i'm not married.

Than it's your ex-boyfriend?

Not at all. -she says while biting on the guys ears.

Than who is that?

That's me before the operation...
 
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor? "The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"
 
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A guy goes to Florida for a vacation. His wife is on a business trip,
so they meet up the next day. He is a good husband, so first thing
he does, he sits down and writes and email to his wife, but he don't
have her email with him, so he types in the address from his memory.
He misses a letter and the email gets delivered to a priests widow, whose
husband died just the day before. She reads the mail, screams and faints.
His family rushes to the room and reads the mail on the screen:

"My dear wife! I just arrived. I arranged everything for your tommorows
arrival. Your loving husband. Ps. It's nice and warm down here."
 
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The Interview

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The
interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell
us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute
before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break
the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from
her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and
extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the
measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real
basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or
lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen
seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before
replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he
asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through
that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,
happy birthday dear...'"
 
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LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut- you did with a pocket knife
Paste- you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
 
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I guess I am getting old, because I can relate to all of those. :rolleyes:
 
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rman


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A motobiker is speeding on the road and suddenly a sparrow hits his helmet.
The sparrow loses his consciousness and the biker feels sorry for him, so he
takes him home. At home he puts him to a cage, gives him water and some
dry bread and goes to work. After a while the sparrow wakes up and sees bars,
water and dried out bread.

-SH*T! I killed the bloody biker!
 
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rman


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This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her
he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that
tooth."

The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the
chair."
 
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One morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me, I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it".

The friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she heads on over the girl's house.

The girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box, and then she looks at the pieces again for a bit. The friend then turns to the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 
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You Got Mail

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail."
 
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rman

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Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny . . . he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house . . . and left it there all night.
 

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