Might sound a bit daft, but can I ask for relationship advice here?

Or is that too OT, even for The Lounge?

Post away dude...but remember...you get what you pay for!

- Nick

Yes, but don't expect any man to explain women.

Kevriano said:

Yes, but don't expect any man to explain women.

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Of course we'll try...but probably still be wrong!

- Nick

My sad state of affairs:

I really like the girl I always sit with in class at university - and, based on a conversation we had earlier today I am, in all humbleness, pretty sure now that she feels the exact same way about me. That's not the problem! I'd ask her out in a heartbeat if it weren't for the fact that...

I've already got a girlfriend, one who's been pretty-much taking me for granted & totally disregarding my feelings & success for a year now (persistently being insensitive about things from my past - I'm no emo, but we've all got stuff we'd rather not be reminded of - & seeing my studies as competition for my time, resenting that I have to go to class / do coursework / etc.)

I know the solution to that situation might sound like a no-brainer; but I'm reluctant, to say the least, to deal with the angry (& possibly violent, going by what I've heard about her past since getting with her) reaction of my current girlfriend to me breaking-up with her.

I don't want to miss my opportunity with the girl from class - who I, frankly, & perhaps obviously - like a lot more than my current girlfriend (&, in fact, a lot more than any girl I've ever gone out with, I'll admit to having "made do" with what I could find before, but this girl I really like) - but I don't need all the drama of a very messy break-up as I come to my final exams for this year...

How would you advise I proceed? If, indeed, you can think of advice for such a convoluted situation that I've managed to get myself into!

iHarrison said:

I really like the girl I always sit with in class at university - and, based on a conversation we had earlier today I am, in all humbleness, pretty sure now that she feels the exact same way about me. That's not the problem! I'd ask her out in a heartbeat if it weren't for the fact that...

I've already got a girlfriend, one who's been pretty-much taking me for granted & totally disregarding my feelings & success for a year now (persistently being insensitive about things from my past - I'm no emo, but we've all got stuff we'd rather not be reminded of - & seeing my studies as competition for my time, resenting that I have to go to class / do coursework / etc.)

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One of the oldest stories in the book.

Here's some advice from an "older-dude" (which probably won't help much)...get rid of both of them...and focus on your university studies. You probably won't marry either of them anyway!

- Nick

You asked for advice and as was stated since it is free it is probably worth what you pay for it, but in my opinion the basis for any healthy relationship has to be honesty.
Making-do with someone you don't honestly care for and can't commit to does neither of you a service. How you go about it is another story but I can't see any positives for maintaining a fiction in your personal life.

Razormac said:

You asked for advice and as was stated since it is free it is probably worth what you pay for it, but in my opinion the basis for any healthy relationship has to be honesty.
Making-do with someone you don't honestly care for and can't commit to does neither of you a service. How you go about it is another story but I can't see any positives for maintaining a fiction in your personal life.

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Ok...I'll be serious for a moment. You know how lots of relationships are...sometimes you stick with them because it's better than nothing...but if something else came along...you would jump into it in a heartbeat.

@iHarrison...this is what your situation sounds like. You're in an unhealthy relationship with your current girlfriend...but you're sticking with it because it's better than nothing.

Thus...if you think that this girl in class is interested in you...get rid of the current girlfriend...and ask this other girl out. On the other hand...you're a young single guy...there's no law that says you can't date both of them at the same time!!!

Hubba hubba!

- Nick

iHarrison said:

I know the solution to that situation might sound like a no-brainer; but I'm reluctant, to say the least, to deal with the angry (& possibly violent, going by what I've heard about her past since getting with her) reaction of my current girlfriend to me breaking-up with her.

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Really? So, you're saying that you don't want to break up with her because you're afraid of her? That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

I don't want to miss my opportunity with the girl from class - who I, frankly, & perhaps obviously - like a lot more than my current girlfriend (&, in fact, a lot more than any girl I've ever gone out with, I'll admit to having "made do" with what I could find before, but this girl I really like) - but I don't need all the drama of a very messy break-up as I come to my final exams for this year...

How would you advise I proceed? If, indeed, you can think of advice for such a convoluted situation that I've managed to get myself into!

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Man up. I will personally revoke your guy card if you don't dump the old one, regardless of what you do with the new one.

cwa107 said:

Man up. I will personally revoke your guy card if you don't dump the old one, regardless of what you do with the new one.

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I think my wife has my "guy card"!!! Ha ha!

- Nick

Razormac said:

You asked for advice and as was stated since it is free it is probably worth what you pay for it, but in my opinion the basis for any healthy relationship has to be honesty.
Making-do with someone you don't honestly care for and can't commit to does neither of you a service. How you go about it is another story but I can't see any positives for maintaining a fiction in your personal life.

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Quoted because it need to be said again.

pigoo3 said:

Thus...if you think that this girl in class is interested in you...get rid of the current girlfriend...and ask this other girl out.

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To me this is simple but this kind of thing never really is. That said, I agree with Nick - you need to end the current relationship if it really is as bad as we seem to think it is. Do what makes you happy.

pigoo3 said:

I think my wife has my "guy card"!!! Ha ha!

- Nick

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Mine too, but this guy isn't married. He's innocent, naive even. Now is the time to display that card high and proud!

pigoo3 said:

I think my wife has my "guy card"!!! Ha ha!

- Nick

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I know my wife has mine I get to borrow it every now and again


But I have been though that same thing. I would say it is worth the chance ask the new one out. You can not let what could be the best thing for you to walk away.


But Like stated it is time to ditch the old if that is the situation.

You should definitely do what is right, not necessarily what makes you happy. Although with this one, what is right and what would make you happy (ie, getting out of your current relationship) are one and the same. No way would I jump into a new relationship afterwards though. You have to deal with the current relationship, go through the process, etc. And jumping into a new relationship right away also tells the new girl that if someones else comes along that you like better you would just jump ship and go for the new girl. It might not be true, but that will still be the message you are sending. You don't need your current girlfriend mad at the new girl either, that would really be doing her a disservice and if you really do care for her you wouldn't do that to her.

Regardless, you need to get out of your current relationship, that's beyond unhealthy and it's exactly the type of relationship you will have for the rest of your life if you don't change the way you do things on a permanent basis.

Anyways again like others have said.. it's free advice and sometimes free advice is better than paid advice and sometimes.. not soo much.. so good luck

Ditch the current for sure, sounds psycho to me (no offence), and then ask the new girl, and see where it goes, and if that's no where you have done yourself a favour in ditching a bad egg, and you can concentrate on your studies.

cwa107 said:

Really? So, you're saying that you don't want to break up with her because you're afraid of her? That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Man up. I will personally revoke your guy card if you don't dump the old one, regardless of what you do with the new one.

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It's not that I'm afraid of her, it was just a case of I couldn't be doing with the hassle it'd cause if I dumped her... Both in the sense of I couldn't be bothered, & I really can't afford the time to battle it out with my current gf...

To be honest, I'll admit that as many including yourself have said, it's not healthy & the only reason that I've stuck it out this long has been for the want of an easy life!

But of course, now, things have changed; I've got a specific reason to want to be single... (Well, available.)

I understand the hesitation. I wouldn't want to deal with a messy breakup right in the middle of finals either. I suggest you focus 100% on finals right now, and as soon as they're over, you need to breakup with her. Stay firm and don't let her treat you with any disrespect. Simply be calm and explain to her why it's not working out, try hard not to get worked up if she throws a fit. Also, don't get sucked into a long, drawn out breakup. Keep your part short and to the point, let her vent a little, and then get out and move on with your life. You also need to completely cut off any contact with this girl otherwise she will continue to pester you and a crazy stalker ex-gf is the last thing you need when you're trying to get with a new girl.

As for the new girl, I would suggest taking it a little slowly. Go on a few dates, get to know her. You could be looking at her with rose-colored glasses in that she could seem to be amazing but only in contrast to your current girlfriend. For all you know, she could be not as amazing as you thought once you actually get to know her. Bad relationships and bad breakups can have all sorts of adverse effects on the psyche, so you need to give your mind some time to heal and recalibrate.

cwa107 said:

Man up. I will personally revoke your guy card if you don't dump the old one, regardless of what you do with the new one.

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This.

In reality - I'm pretty sure you've already decided - and you know what you want to do - you're just coming here for some assistance with rationalizing the decision - and maybe so you can say it was our idea?

With that in mind - you know what you want to do - now just go do it. You're still at the age where you can do what you want to do - before you know it you'll be at a point in your life where you'll be stuck doing what you have to do. Take advantage of where you're at now.

iHarrison said:

I know the solution to that situation might sound like a no-brainer; but I'm reluctant, to say the least, to deal with the angry (& possibly violent, going by what I've heard about her past since getting with her) reaction of my current girlfriend to me breaking-up with her.

I don't want to miss my opportunity with the girl from class - who I, frankly, & perhaps obviously - like a lot more than my current girlfriend (&, in fact, a lot more than any girl I've ever gone out with, I'll admit to having "made do" with what I could find before, but this girl I really like)

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I bet you that when you first met your current gf you were saying the same thing. How do you know this new girl has no skeletons in the closet?

You don't have to rationalise anything if you dont enjoy your current relationship - that is the fundamental aspect of being in one in the first place.

Kash said:

I suggest you focus 100% on finals right now, and as soon as they're over, you need to breakup with her. Stay firm and don't let her treat you with any disrespect. Simply be calm and explain to her why it's not working out, try hard not to get worked up if she throws a fit. Also, don't get sucked into a long, drawn out breakup. Keep your part short and to the point, let her vent a little, and then get out and move on with your life. You also need to completely cut off any contact with this girl otherwise she will continue to pester you and a crazy stalker ex-gf is the last thing you need when you're trying to get with a new girl.

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You're not wrong about any of that.

BrianLachoreVPI said:

I'm pretty sure you've already decided - and you know what you want to do - you're just coming here for some assistance with rationalizing the decision - and maybe so you can say it was our idea?

With that in mind - you know what you want to do - now just go do it. You're still at the age where you can do what you want to do - before you know it you'll be at a point in your life where you'll be stuck doing what you have to do. Take advantage of where you're at now.

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Yeah, you're 100% spot-on also.

With regard to:

Kash said:

As for the new girl, I would suggest taking it a little slowly. Go on a few dates, get to know her. You could be looking at her with rose-colored glasses in that she could seem to be amazing but only in contrast to your current girlfriend. For all you know, she could be not as amazing as you thought once you actually get to know her. Bad relationships and bad breakups can have all sorts of adverse effects on the psyche, so you need to give your mind some time to heal and recalibrate.

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&

robduckyworth said:

I bet you that when you first met your current gf you were saying the same thing. How do you know this new girl has no skeletons in the closet?

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Right here & now I'll admit that I've had a history of rushing into relationships with girls I barely know.

My first long-term gf? I asked her out after a couple of months of only seeing her in a nightclub for ~4 hours per week. Basically the equivalent of four eight-hour days spent together.

The next one? Asked her out at the beginning of a friend's birthday, after a drunken fumble in a pub two weeks prior.

The most recent before this? One night together at a club & a two-hour Instant Messenger chat.

Last, but by no means least; the current? Five hours spent together at a party, followed by me driving 80 miles to see her two days later.

I'll not deny in any way that I have been way too over-enthusiastic in the past, to say the least - and, I'll say it myself, desperately tried to see the best in each situation (I honestly don't know why, I'm very confident in most regards).

However, in the case of the girl in my class, we've been getting to know each-other since the beginning of October & have had some pretty personal conversations about things good and bad (and "personal personal" ), and I have yet to see or hear anything that puts me off...

I don't think seven months can be considered rushing into anything!

robduckyworth said:

You don't have to rationalise anything if you dont enjoy your current relationship - that is the fundamental aspect of being in one in the first place.

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Well, exactly. It's only the emotional blackmail I've gotten from my gf that makes me feel like I owe her happiness (which I would if she gave it to me, but she does not).