Any Lawyers in the house ?? and how do YOU cope with Depression? Need help on both !!

Long story short Im separated and have been for 6 years. The divorce papers havnt gone through.
My ex over the holidays has turned nasty towards me and came back with threats of Restricted Access to my beautiful 7 yr old boy, AVO's (Apprehended Violence Order).
Now im not sure WHY she is doing this too me at all.
ATM i have full access to my boy, as we have never needed to restrict anything with either of us, and i really dont want to deprive my child time with his mother.
My question is, ((and yes some will probably look down on me for thinking this, and i really dont care what you think) so to you people i dont even want to see your reply if you have on) My question is, Because i have full access and no restrictions, would it be Kidnapping if i got my boy and took him away so i could live with him, and let her fight to get him back ?? Is it classed as kidnapping.
I want my boy to be happy and i want him to live with me, but she is really giving my not much choice here. I could go to court and try for full custody, so what are a Males chances in this scenario ??
I want peoples opinions, thoughts and options if i could please . . .

I have been diagnosed with Depression coming from my army days. I have lived with it for the last 16-17 yrs and i have turns here and there. Over the Xmas break i have had one of those turns, and im in the gutter. I have pulled myself out before, and gotten on with life but ATM, with loosing work, and having no family to be able to spend xmas with, not having my son around for 3 weeks has all taken its toll.
How have some of you gotten through the bad times ?? Remember Depression isnt like being sad or upset, its a full on debilitating sickness..... Chemicals (anti-depressants) have never worked, and as i said i have just pulled myself through it....
Im at my whits end ATM and with this sh1t going on with my son, it just isnt going north for me.......
Once again any suggestions, options would be greeted with respect . . . .I dont need to here negative stuff ATM...

Thanks for reading, and i didnt do this for sympathy but for solutions and suggestions on how to over come this

Cheers

You have us.

Chin up my friend. I will PM you abut the depression, my wife suffers and I have a lot of experience in helping her cope.

With regard to the first issue. Over here, regardless of your access rights, if you do what you suggest you will seriously damage any chance you have of keeping your access let alone living with him full time.
I can't advise you legally, but there have been a few cases like this here, and they have not turned out well. Tempting though it is, and I understand totally, please don't do it.
Keep a diary of all of her threats and actions, and go to court. You are in the better position as of now, if you take no action with regard to taking your son. She has crossed a line, and it should bode well for you in court.

PM on the way. Kev.

Kevriano said:

Chin up my friend. I will PM you abut the depression, my wife suffers and I have a lot of experience in helping her cope.

With regard to the first issue. Over here, regardless of your access rights, if you do what you suggest you will seriously damage any chance you have of keeping your access let alone living with him full time.
I can't advise you legally, but there have been a few cases like this here, and they have not turned out well. Tempting though it is, and I understand totally, please don't do it.
Keep a diary of all of her threats and actions, and go to court. You are in the better position as of now, if you take no action with regard to taking your son. She has crossed a line, and it should bode well for you in court.

PM on the way. Kev.

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Thanks for that Kev . . . You confirmed what i thought RE: my son,i suppose i just needed to here it from someone else, as she isnt making it easy . . . . Ill be doing the swap over in a public place to as so she cant fabricate stories either . .
Received your PM and replied, and do really appreciate your help on it . . . . Will keep you in the loop and i know your not far away Thanks man

Sorry that you have to be going through all of this with your son. I have been down the road you are traveling with my oldest girl who is now 19. It was a hard road at times, but I made it. Kev hit it on the head with suggesting documentation. Write down everything she does, says, etc. Note dates, times, everything possible. Also find out your local laws on recording conversations and do that too if possible / legal. The more ammunition you can take into a court is the best weapon of all. I would also take someone along for child exchanges. Sure, you are in a public place and all but chances are you don't know anyone and there is nothing to stop her from making up some BS against you. Take someone you know that can be a witness if needed.

Bottom line, do not take your boy away. She wins of you do that. Hang in there!!

I can't speak about the depression part and not being a lawyer probably not fully right on with the first part either. But I have to think that taking your boy away (even if it's own child) will give his mother the necessary grounds to go after you for kidnapping the child and possibly even gain custody (not sure what the custody arrangement is right now).

This reminds me of the case recently in MA where a German national, living in the US for a long time, took his daughter back to Germany. Even though this was his daughter they deemed it kidnapping and he was extradited back to the US and faced charges. In this case, I don't believe he had full custody of the girl..

But either way, dealing with your ex-wife through a lawyer and the court system would be the BEST situation in the long term for you and your child...

Regards

Well, I'm a little late to the game, but it looks like things are making more sense to you now. Just to add a bit... here in the States at least, it never works out well if someone skips town with a kid. Basically, even if you are completely justified in every common man's mind in doing that, the law is still the law. If you meet the certain legal standards which define a "crime" then you are generally found guilty of it. A conviction is a conviction, and even if you get a light sentence for the behavior - you still have the conviction. This can make it more difficult to gain custody, get a job or qualify for various things in life. My suggestion, which it appears you have already discovered, is to dig in and reassess.

I don't know much about clinical depression other than what I've observed and read. My suggestion would be to do whatever it takes to maintain one's self. I have seen situations where depressed individuals, recovering alcoholics and others have maintained custody due to their positive actions. While a lawyer can argue the depression angle in court (and cost you money) they generally need specific examples of hazardous behavior to drive their arguments home. Deprive them of that ammunition and reduce your exposed area.

Above all, don't post anything on the internet that you don't want read back in court. This happens and it's generally never good for whomever posted it. Best luck and well wishes Sir.

I as well suffer from depression. However I drink way to much. Which I am sure contributes plenty. My wife and I argue all the time. I have twin 16 year old boys. I do not know what I would do without them. I would advise to play this out legally. I am hoping the best for you bro.

Coming from a family that was like this, I would suggest your son has access to both of his parents.

I actually just found a lot of stuff out, which really made me mad.

I have lived with my mom all my life, and visited my dad maybe 5 or 6 times my whole life. I was always lead to believe he was a dead beat, and his family was good for nothing and all that. Well apparently I found out that my Dad had been paying child care ($600 per month) my whole life which was to be set up in a college fund for me. I have never seen any of that money. He paid it to my Mom since she had custody of me, and she obviously spent it. I was also supposed to be split between my parents for my 1st birthday, morning with my mom, evening with my Dad. Well I guess when my Dad came to get me my Mom wouldn't let me go. And I guess my Dad took my Mom to court on several occasions to try to get custody of me.

Now, believing my Dad was a dead beat my whole life was hard. Starting in high school once me and my Mom started fighting, she threatened to send me back to live with him. I would always tell her to do it and she never would. I also started working as soon as I could (16 here in the states). I worked because I wanted away from my Mom. Well she had a joint account set up on our bank accounts, and she actually took $300 out of my account one day. Now, not having a Male authority figure in my life, I did not know how to handle the situation. Once I started talking to my Dad, he was always there for me. When I told him I wanted to join the Air Force, he was 100% backing me. He said he was happy to see I was making a good decision with my life and he wished he had done the same. My Mom, on the other hand, said "it's your life, do with it what you want." Now I want to build a closer relationship with my Dad and move away (I physically have already) from my Mom.

I know your boy is 7 already, but I strongly suggest he see his Mom on occasion. You may not like it, but you have to put your child first. I am an advocate for having both parents growing up, as I have had a very boring, non masculine life. Yes, I lifted weights in high school, but I don't know anything about guns, cars, tools, anything that my Dad would have been able to teach me. I know Moms can teach a lot, and your son needs both of his parents.

Well I come from a family with a divorce. My parents divorced. And I know what it feels like. Not good at all.

It seems you need to go to court to get the access to your child. But in the courts, do not verbally bash your ex wife. Don't say how bad she is etc. And if she says how bad you are don't get into an argument with it. Make sure you and your lawyer only talk in the courts with one thing in mind. The welfare of the child. And prove that you are the best person for the child but in the child's interest. You can take him to sports games. You can provide for him. You can help him with homework. You won't do anything dumb as to always put the child first.

I know this is rather self explanatory. And you probably already know this. But so so many divorced couples get in the family court and just are like he is bad at this and she is bad at that and argue at each other and forget to say anything about how they will provide everything for the child's welfare. If you want to see your child you'll have to put the child first, even above the hate for the ex wife. Hate her in your own time not while in court please.

And most importantly family court judges like to hear parents putting the child first.

And s2odin says the child should see both parents. That is a good thing. It's nice the child can have both parents in his life. She is his parent too. I had that. I had to see my father every weekend or 2nd weekend. And it was terrible. Could I play sport at school? no. Could I see my friends on the weekend? no. Could I do that little extra study on the weekends? no. etc etc. You get the idea. I had to see my father and go to his place and pretty much meant all of the things I wanted to do like a normal kid I was stopped from doing.

Your child needs to see the mother. She has a right to see him. But the child also has a right to play sport or do normal things other kids do. The kid needs to see the mother a bit and the kid needs to have a normal life. He needs both. End of story. If either of those 2 things are missed it screws up the kid. I know from personal experiences many years ago.

And about the depression? Hmmm that's a toughy. The only advice I can give is get busy. As in when you have a few spare moments find a hobby or something you like doing. To keep your mind off all the mess you are in now. And if you're always busy you'll have less time to feel depressed. And later once all of this is over you can sit down and emotionally deal with it all. Yeah you need to deal with it when you can. One day.

Good luck with it all .

1st part:Kevriano is right. You can't get in trouble for "taking your son away" in terms of kidnapping, but, if there's a court battle in the future, they will most definitely use that against you. They would probably try to convince the jury that you are unstable, and try to question your reasoning as to why you are not safe at your own home, which would lead to them thinking your child is not safe in your own home...you get the point. Have you thought about limiting her access?

As for the AVO, that's a common order used to change the parental access status of each parent. The problem is that the violence part of it is not just limited to physical violence, it also can be a case of being verbally harassed...which could be taken a step further to include the child. Have a lawyer! If you take evidence, like recordings, before a lawyer is present on your behalf, any of that evidence can be withdrawn from court, permanently!

My parent's aren't divorced, so I can't say I know how you feel, but I took a few ethics and human development classes, classes that almost always found its way into dealing with the family problems, and problems caused to children due to divorces. Divorces can be very traumatic to children, often making them feel like they are the cause. Try to be "the parent" and have fun with your son. The ruling people will know which parent is fit for your son. Weird fact: There's a ~50% chance that a random couple will have a divorce now-a-days(with reports showing an increase). Children from those divorced parents have a ~75%chance of getting divorced. That's why I say to be "the parent."

I hope all goes well for you and your son.

2nd Part: We're all her for ya!

WOW

Thanks for all the responses friends I can see you are all human, and value family very much. I can see that by the way most responses are guided towards the situation im in with my son.
I dont want you to get me wrong, but i want nothing more than my son to have his mother in his life. Heck we live 5 mins from each other so the transition for Jazz would be minimal and up until 3-4 weeks ago me and his mother where good friends. We hung out and i took him and her to a trip to the snow (I hate doing family things as a single dad and why not since we got on so well). We actually had a quite close (weird to some) relationship.
So this is why it makes it so hard to swallow as to why its come to this ...
I really want Jazz to have his mum around. Since our split i have follow her places to live BC i want to be around my boy . . . Only fair for him.

I really only put that out there, and knew in the back of my mind it would be wrong but needed to here it from friends . . . I wouldnt emotionally hurt my boy that way. m just over her controlling behaviour and then using my son against me. (we have argued in the past and she threatens access to Jazz when she doesnt get her own way)
I thank you all so very much for your responses .......

My main concern is the depression, as i know how low it can take one. With whats going on above ^^ it is hard to see clear of it all . . .
Im off to work now and if you see me in the next hr or 2 then it fell through and just another thing to deal with .... Ill be back for more on depression later

I really do thank you all, more than you know, and i suppose this is my way to talk it out ...

You are all gems in your own way

Cheers

Hi ** Hi ** Its off to work i hope ;P

TattooedMac said:

Long story short Im separated and have been for 6 years. The divorce papers havnt gone through.
My ex over the holidays has turned nasty towards me and came back with threats of Restricted Access to my beautiful 7 yr old boy, AVO's (Apprehended Violence Order).
Now im not sure WHY she is doing this too me at all.
ATM i have full access to my boy, as we have never needed to restrict anything with either of us, and i really dont want to deprive my child time with his mother.
My question is, ((and yes some will probably look down on me for thinking this, and i really dont care what you think) so to you people i dont even want to see your reply if you have on) My question is, Because i have full access and no restrictions, would it be Kidnapping if i got my boy and took him away so i could live with him, and let her fight to get him back ?? Is it classed as kidnapping.

Click to expand...

I am not a lawyer...but based on my "life experience" as well what I have heard from others...as with anything legal related...it's all about the nitty-grittly details. Also considering if things work differently in Australia compared to the US or other countries.

I think that it all depends on what you mean by "full access"...AND who (at the current time)...has "official" custody of your son. If your son's mother (who you are separated from at the moment) has full custody of your son (he lives, eats, sleeps in your son's mother's home 24-7)...and you have to arrange with her first when you can visit your son & take him out away for activities...then it would seem to me that if you just took your son from his current home (with his mother)...then that would NOT be a "good thing" and could possibly be considered kidnapping (or maybe some other less "serious" sounding offense).

So I would be VERY careful when considering this course of action.

Regarding the depression. The holidays (Christmas, New Year, etc.) is a very tough time of the year for many folks...so you are not alone. If it means anything...the best thing to do is to keep yourself busy (which I know is tough to do sometimes). Work on your car, go for a hike ("walkabout"), go run a few miles or kilometers...or basically get out of your house to clear your head. These may not be solutions in your specific case...but hopefully you get the idea. If this doesn't work...you could try other "professional" options.

Hope this helps,

- Nick

TattooedMac said:

I really only put that out there, and knew in the back of my mind it would be wrong but needed to here it from friends . . . I wouldnt emotionally hurt my boy that way. m just over her controlling behaviour and then using my son against me. (we have argued in the past and she threatens access to Jazz when she doesnt get her own way)
I thank you all so very much for your responses .......

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Totally understand where you're coming from. You have to be willing to let her have him and trust that he will know right from wrong. And you need to be there to talk to him and let him know how you feel. It hasn't been until lately that I have started talking to my Dad after not really for 19 years. I realize that he did his best, but my Mom was controlling, and I know she is. If custody is split between you two, just let him go to his Mom's and trust he will know that you are always there for him.

If kids need one thing, it's space. As 8thark said, growing up in a single parent household is tough. You don't get all the freedoms other "normal" kids do. But if your son sees what his Mom allows him to do and what you allow him to do, he will naturally gravitate to one. Now, I'm not saying let him do whatever he wants, but understand what he's going through and allow him some freedom.

Having a controlling parent is very tough and I know all about it. This is why I talk to my Dad more than my Mom now, and don't ever have any intentions of visiting my Mom, even tho she lives an hour away.

Do you have any other family around you who would be willing to watch your son while you work? I know my Aunt (on my Mom's side) always watched me, and I saw her as more of a Mom. I wish my Mom would have let me stay with my Aunt on my Dad's side, but she was super controlling. And apparently I'm the primary beneficiary on my Aunt's will, so I guess she saw me as a son.

firesidedog said:

I as well suffer from depression. However I drink way to much. Which I am sure contributes plenty. My wife and I argue all the time.

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That was me in my army days. Diagnosed Alcoholic and i stopped drinking when i met my now Ex 10 Yrs ago now. . . . Didnt have a need to after that i thought. Cant remember the last time i had a tipple as i dont drink alone at all anymore . . And im alone a lot . . . Thanks for you input mate. I know where your coming from

pigoo3 said:

I am not a lawyer...but based on my "life experience" as well what I have heard from others...as with anything legal related...it's all about the nitty-grittly details. Also considering if things work differently in Australia compared to the US or other countries.

I think that it all depends on what you mean by "full access"...AND who (at the current time)...has "official" custody of your son. If your son's mother (who you are separated from at the moment) has full custody of your son (he lives, eats, sleeps in your son's mother's home 24-7)...and you have to arrange with her first when you can visit your son & take him out away for activities...then it would seem to me that if you just took your son from his current home (with his mother)...then that would NOT be a "good thing" and could possibly be considered kidnapping (or maybe some other less "serious" sounding offense).

So I would be VERY careful when considering this course of action.

Regarding the depression. The holidays (Christmas, New Year, etc.) is a very tough time of the year for many folks...so you are not alone. If it means anything...the best thing to do is to keep yourself busy (which I know is tough to do sometimes). Work on your car, go for a hike ("walkabout"), go run a few miles or kilometers...or basically get out of your house to clear your head. These may not be solutions in your specific case...but hopefully you get the idea. If this doesn't work...you could try other "professional" options.

Hope this helps,

- Nick

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THANKS NICK . . . I do regulary go on ""Walk-a-bout" but not a week at a time like my Aboriginal cousins . . . . I wish i could at times . .
I saw my Dr as well today and he saw something was up, and i explained that Canberra being the type of city it is (The nations Capital, full of Pollies and the home of DVA(Department of Veteran Affairs)) it would have support for Mental Health in men and a lot more support for single/homeless/depressed males. There is none.
He actually runs a mens dinner every Sunday and ill look into joining that. Could be a lot of benefit to me...
Im going to look at trying to learn the Bass and ill get onto my mate Kane (6string) and see if he can tee me up with tutorials or something to get me started . . .
I started about 6yrs ago when i had a breakdown and it helped me get through it ....

Thanks for your thoughts

s2odin said:

Do you have any other family around you who would be willing to watch your son while you work?.

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Mate NO . . . I have a sister married to a Pom and she is never in the country and when she is she lives in the most remote city on earth and thats 5500 Klms away . . .
My old man past away @ 60 with leukaemia and pancreases cancer and my mum is on the black bed now, not knowing how long with a top to toe body riddle with cancer. She is very sick and no energy and the last 3-4 months has been **** for her. . . . I couldnt see her over the break.

Not having anyone around over christmas really got to me . . . I have had a breakdown in the past but this just really weirded me out the way i felt . .

Sad thing is she simmered down a little today and said *sorry*

*** is that about ...
So confused still and thank you all for the kind and encouraging words

Thankyou

EDIT : On a good not i started the new Job today and it will work out well . . . . 2k+ a week will do me fine . . . . Watch out 6string mate, im booking a ticket and coming north Aust Day long Weekend Couple of pints and a free lesson wouldnt go astray lol ;P

Watch out 6string mate, im booking a ticket and coming north Aust Day long Weekend Couple of pints and a free lesson wouldnt go astray lol

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I look forward to picking you up from the airport brother!

Hi there,

Im only new to the forums but reading your posts made me think back.

Im from a split family and custody battles between my Mum & Dad were never nice from what I remember (i actually remember my dad literally pulling one arm and my mum pulling my arm another two different directions!) to cut a long story short my dad won custody of me and I lived with him. That was until he had a family gathering (my dads side is very close) and decided that I was a disruption to the family (bearing in mind I was 4 years old) and decided he didnt want me anymore. He left me on my grandmas steps with 1 teddy and a poster and called my mum to collect me.

Immediately my mum called the solicitor to say what had happened and that I would now be living with her. Any phone calls, letters, remarks while passing in the street, word of mouth from others was all documented. It really does pay when you get a court hearing as do witnesses. If possible always take a witness with you when collecting your son or having anything to do with his mother (she could accuse you of anything and you couldn't prove your innocence) to back up your story.

I would suggest to you that anything you do, is done legally and a solicitor is made aware of any changes to the custody status of your child (just to be safe) as once you start going down the wrong track it could all just spiral out of control with accusations flying in all directions.

The thing to always remember is the child comes first no matter how youre feeling at the time.

Good Luck for the future!

Well i have had a win of sorts. The ex has cooled her chops and things have gone back to the way they where. She isnt threatening restricted access anymore, but this has come about because she needed Help. Im the only mechanical minded person in her life where we live atm and she broke down the other night, so who does she ring ??? Yep me.

She apologised profusely said sorry and all that crap. I helped her out bc im not one to say no when i can offer assistance when someone is in trouble. My good bloody nature gets me again .... Mind you i did it really out of my love for my son. I couldnt have him stressing and worrying being broken down and not knowing if he would get home safely..

Women really know how to twist our (blokes) screws dont they..... I appreciate all your responses and now i just have to deal with the other problem
All is good as i did wake this morning and the sun is trying to push through the clouds . . .
I wont let her put me through that again as i have talked to a person in the know and ill submit custody papers next time. My boy isnt going to be used as a piece rope where she has all the pull

Thanks peeps i needed ur input and has helped me out
Thumbs up to all

Cheers

A BIG congrats on things looking & feeling better!!!

- Nick

pigoo3 said:

A BIG congrats on things looking & feeling better!!!

- Nick

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Thanks. Muchly appreciated Nick