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Quotable Quotes

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After the depressing events of Mumbai and Black Friday/Walmart, I'd love to see some humor injected into A-G. My favorite is word humor, puns and double-entente especially, so for starters I'd like to present some amusing quotes. These come from a little program called Funny Quotes that came out in the days of OS 9/Classic.
Examples:
1. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
2. You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
3. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Please contribute some more, give us something to laugh about. :)
 
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"When an instrument fails on stage it mocks you and must be destroyed"
-Trent Reznor

<3 NIN.
 
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My favorite quote is:

"Yes my name is Jaguar.
No, it is not a joke.
I don't find your "I'm a cheetah." joke funny. "

-xj6jaguar1985


Hehe, I remember hearing this awesome quote a while back, someone by the name of Mad-Eye Moody : "CONSTANT VIGILANCE"
 
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Now I'll give a nice flurry of George Carlin quotes:


Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?




The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
LOL that's my fav.
 
OP
hughvane
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How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Apple is a company, but Macintosh is a community. (aaaawwwgh)
Mom says Apples are good for me.
On the box it was written: "Requires Windows 95 or better", so I bought a Macintosh.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
 
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Groucho Marx when told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews
"My son is half-Jewish. Can he wade in up to his knees?"

"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing."
Oscar Wilde
 
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hughvane
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•He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke.
•When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
•How many babies can a motherboard have?
•I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
•Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
 

eric


Retired Staff
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"a cat can have kittens in an oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits."
 
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All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

-J.R.R. Tolkien
 
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Wrestling quote: Pain is weakness leaving your body!
 
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hughvane
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•Did you realise that you spend one-seventh of your life on a Monday.
•The world is full of willing people: some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
•Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on icecaps.
•Somethingswrongwithmyspacebar
•Th vwls n m kbrd dn't wrk vry wll, d thy?
 
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Some of my favorite idiotic football quotes:

Denny Green:
"When 2 teams play, only 1 can win. It's usually the team with the most points."
"Nobody plays like we play when we wanna play."

John Madden:
"The only way to stop Donovan McNabb is to get quick penetration and grab him by the ankles."
 
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640K is more memory than anyone will ever need.
 
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hughvane
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•There are two types of people: Those who finish what they start and
•Wherever you go, there you are.
•The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
•I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants!
•Transistor: A sibling opposite of transbrother.
 
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...But since any reasonable person would choose a Mac over a PC, Apple's market share does provide us with an accurate reading of the percentage of reasonable people in our society.
 
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving isn't for you.
 
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hughvane
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A very high and mighty African tribal chief suffered terrible constipation. His shaman told him to chew the end of the stem of a palm tree. Within 24 hours the chief's condition was cured, giving rise to the famous quote: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
 
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A very high and mighty African tribal chief suffered terrible constipation. His shaman told him to chew the end of the stem of a palm tree. Within 24 hours the chief's condition was cured, giving rise to the famous quote: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

That is absolutely horrible.........and I love it! :)

A man goes to see his psychiatrist wearing nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist immediately diagnoses the man and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Another man goes to the same psychiatrist and says, "One day I feel like a Wigwam, and the next I feel like a Tepee! What's wrong with me?". The psychiatrist replies, "You need to relax.....you're too tents!"
 
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hughvane
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That same man later rushed into the psychiatrist's office screaming "I'm shrinking, I'm shrinking, do something immediately!"
The receptionist scolded him, ordering him to wait his turn.
"Sit down sir, you'll just have to be a little patient!"

The famous Tates watch company of Philadelphia made an ill-judged foray into the manufacture of compasses, all of which were faulty. After several outdoor groups and individuals went astray while out tramping, requiring rescue, the well-known saying arose ... "He who has a Tate's is lost."
 
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Im surprised after finding out that microsft commercials were made on macs steve jobs hasnt come out with something smart to say?

"Microsoft advertising, Powered by Apple"
 

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