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  1. #1
    jerodhusvar
    Guest
    Talking Important Lawsuit *chuckle*
    In the United States District Court
    Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona

    The Honorable Homer Simpson, Presiding

    Wile E. Coyote, )
    Plaintiff )
    v. ) Case No. B19293
    Acme Company, )
    Defendant )
    ------------------

    Opening Statement of Nicholas J. McSlick of Fairweather, Winters, and
    Summers, Attorney for Acme Company:

    The plaintiff, Coyote, has filed a lawsuit against, my client, the
    Acme Company sounding in tort for products liability alleging that
    Acme Co., was negligent, reckless, and placed products into the stream
    of commerce through its mail order catalogues. Coyote also alleges
    strict products liability, breach of warranty, breach of warranty of
    merchantability, and that the products were not fit for their intended
    use. Coyote seeks the outrageous sum of twenty one million seven
    hundred fifty tho! usand dollars for general compensatory damages and
    attorneys fees, and an additional seventeen million dollars in
    punitive or exemplary damages alleging Acme acted in reckless
    disregard for plaintiff's safety.

    We shall prove and we shall show to your satisfaction that the
    plaintiff cannot meet his burden of proof and that ACME Company made
    its products as safe as possible in keeping with the state of the art
    of technology when said products were placed into the stream of
    commerce.

    Moreover, the evidence will show that the plaintiff assumed known
    risks associated with the use of the products he ordered; he also
    failed to heed printed warnings; he intentionally misused said
    products; and he made substantial charges to the design and character
    of the products as to void all warranties and absolving Acme of all
    civil liability.

    Plaintiff, during many of his alleged injury incidents as mentioned in
    his petition was also contributorily negligent and his negligence far
    exceeded any negligence on the part of Acme Company.

    Furthermore, we will show by a preponderance of the evidence that
    plaintiff Coyote is a malingerer and a fraud and at no time has he
    ever sustained any permanent injury whatsoever.

    Although, Coyote represents himself as a self-employed-professional,
    to wit: a predator, we will prove through films done by Warner Bros.
    that Wile E. Coyote is a rich, playboy, cartoon star/actor. We will
    view videotaped footage wherein the Coyote after suffering seemingly
    horrendous, grotesque, debilitating and life threatening injuries, is
    seen no more than 30 seconds later totally uninjured and unscathed.

    We had Mr. Coyote examined by an independent medical doctor, one Dr.
    S. Brandon Quackmeister, who will testify that none of the plaintiff's
    claimed injuries are permanent. Coyote has not had! any residual pain
    symptoms since that alleged incidents.

    In truth and in fact, ladies and gentlemen, the claims of the
    plaintiff Mr. Wile E. Coyote are nothing more than wishful thinking
    and, in brief, figments of his imagination.

    Let's look at the cold, hard evidence, ladies and gentlemen. Coyote
    claims 85 separate occasions Acme products have caused him injury.
    His proof of defects is nothing more than sales slips from Acme. He
    offers no expert testimony in this regard. He cannot produce a
    physical engineer to cite one defect in Acme's products.

    He cites in particular the December 13 incident. He does not mention
    the fact that this happened over 25 years ago--well past the
    applicable statute of limitations. He failed to assemble the sled
    properly. The exploded view assembly instructions show the torque
    values for all bolts in connection with the assembly of the sled.&nbs!
    p; The
    instructions and boldface red warnings on the instructions clearly
    state: FAILURE TO TIGHTEN ALL BOLTS TO THE EXACT TORQUE VALUES MAY
    RESULT IN STEERING SYSTEM DIFFICULTY OR WHOLESALE FAILURE OF THE
    ENTIRE SYSTEM WHICH MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS BODILY INJURY OR DEATH. DO
    NOT ATTEMPT TO USE A BOX WRENCH ON THE STEERING SYSTEM BOLTS. Then in
    the fine print under the tools needed section it states, ACME TORQUE
    WRENCH MODEL #22100 or SEARS CRAFTSMAN MODEL DIAL OR CLICK TYPE.

    Post-crash examination of the sled remains reveal, that none of the
    bolts had the proper torque value and further that Coyote lost
    original parts and used his own replacement parts of the improper
    hardness which resulted in metal fatigue at various stress points,
    causing steering system failure. His negligence exceeded any
    negligence on the part of Acme which Acme specifically denies.

    Despite the rocket sled incident and t! he claimed injuries, Coyote was
    seen 30 seconds later on the rocket skates which were purchased on the
    very same date as the rocket sled. (See receipts in court file.)

    As for the incident with the skates, Coyote assumed a known risk
    attempting to pilot the skates while wearing plaster casts. Any
    reasonable person would know that it would be impossible to maintain
    one's balance so encumbered--Coyote assumed the risk.

    In response to Coyote's claims of wrongdoing on the part of ACME with
    respect to "mishaps with explosives" on occasions too numerous to
    list, again, Coyote failed to heed warnings and falsified documents in
    purchasing said explosives.

    The mail order form which accompanies the Explosive Catalog clearly
    states: IN ORDER TO PURCHASE EXPLOSIVES FROM ACME YOU MUST HAVE A
    FEDERAL CLASS B EXPLOSIVE LICENSE AND ATTACH A FULL COPY TOGETHER WITH
    THE DRIVER'S LICENSE OF YOUR STATE OF RESIDENCE.

    The warnings also shipped with the mail order forms with respect to
    explosives state without equivocation: ACME CLASS B EXPLOSIVE ARE
    INHERENTLY DANGEROUS. THEY SHOULD ONLY BE USE BY TRAINED PERSONNEL.
    THEY SHOULD NEVER BE DETONATED OF IGNITED NEAR PEOPLE OR ANIMALS
    (EMPHASIS ADDED). THE MANUFACTURER DISCLAIMS ALL CIVIL LIABILITY IN
    CONNECTION WITH IMPROPER, UNINTENDED OR ILLEGAL USE OF EXPLOSIVE
    DEVICES.

    Also, in boldface, red type it states: FAILURE TO STORE "LITTLE
    GIANT" FIRECRACKER, SELF-GUIDED AERIAL BOMB AND OTHER EXPLOSIVES IN AN
    ADEQUATE MAGAZINE OR OTHER COOL, DRY AIR SPACE WILL RESULT IN THEIR
    DETERIORATION AND BREAKDOWN OF CHEMICAL PROPERTIES MAKING THEM
    EXTREMELY VOLATILE. FAILURE TO HEED THIS WARNING MAY RESULT IN
    SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH.

    First of all, Coyote procured all the devices with a falsified Class B
    explosives license. In sho! rt, he made illegal purchases.

    Secondly, it was the plaintiff's habit or routine practice to
    haphazardly store the explosives in the open air--In Arizona, where
    the Court could take judicial notice of the fact that daytime
    temperatures exceed 100 F. These explosives became volatile as
    warned and hence often exploding prematurely . Furthermore, pursuit
    of his chosen prey with explosives was clearly excessive. Perhaps, he
    could have purchased the ACME HAVE-A-HEART-LIVE-TRAP MODEL T-001-216
    which sells for a mere $29.95. Instead, he recklessly disobeyed clear
    warnings to his own detriment.

    As far the Spring-Powered Shoes incident, Defendant admits that, in
    having experts review film footage of Coyote's usage, the experts
    cannot explain why the shoes did not propel him in the proper
    direction except that Plaintiff did not have adequate experience with
    the shoes before attempting! to use them near rock formations.

    Furthermore, Coyote once again made alterations to the product,
    affixing them to a boulder, in contravention of the clear warning on
    the brochure included with his purchase, to wit: WARNING! SEVERE
    RECOIL. THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR PERSONAL PROPULSION ONLY. ATTACH
    ACME SPRING-POWERED SHOES ONLY TO FEET, AS DESCRIBED IN THE OWNER'S
    MANUAL, PAGE 3, PARAGRAPH (a)(2). FAILURE TO FOLLOW OPERATING
    INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN SEVERE PERSONAL INJURY.

    Any injuries Mr. Coyote sustained are as a result of his negligent
    failure to follow the warnings and instructions provided. In any
    event Coyote sustained no permanent injury therefrom.

    And in the final analysis, ladies and gentleman, as you are all
    probably aware and will see in the films, the Coyote has failed to
    heed the most important warning in fine print at the bottom of every
    brochure packed with Acme Products: THIS PRODUCT IS NOT EFFECTIVE ON
    ROAD RUNNER!

    What is the Coyote's chosen prey during all these alleged incidents?
    Yes. THE ROAD RUNNER. I rest my case ladies and gentlemen.

    You must find for my client and bring back the only possible verdict
    in this case. A verdict for the ACME COMPANY.

    Finally, I would respectfully ask the Court to dismiss Mr. Coyote's
    claim for punitive damages. Coyote claims that Acme Company has a
    "virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by [his]
    work." This is no more than another case of wishful thinking on Mr.
    Coyote's part. Similar products are manufactured and sold through the
    mail by companies such as Apex Corporation, Zenith Manufacturing, and
    Perfect Predator Products, Inc. One can only assume that Mr. Coyote's
    loyalty to Acme Company is the result of his satisfaction with the
    quality of the product! s and service provided by Acme over the years.
    It is that same quality that has made Acme the largest retailer of
    predator related products in the US.

    The occupation of predator is high risk profession, and a large
    percentage of such businesses fail each year. Mr. Coyote does not
    wish to be compensated for any alleged negligence of Acme Company.
    Instead, he seeks to be rewarded for his own negligence and
    ineptitude.

    THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR, AND THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  2. #2
    Important Lawsuit *chuckle*
    rman's Avatar
    Member Since
    Dec 24, 2002
    Location
    Los Angeles, California
    Posts
    12,584
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    Cool
    lol, I have enjoyed a many Roadrunner cartoons over the years. I just wish we have a delivery system like ACME uses. I don't know if there is a magic mail box or an efficient delivery system.

    If only I can place an order either via snail mail or on-line and get the product in a mtter of minutes. lol :p

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