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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1

    rman's Avatar
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    Tickle Me Elmo

    A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The personal manager
    goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
    worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
    almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he
    does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
    The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her
    duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

    The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The
    "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman
    he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up
    the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the
    problem.

    Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up
    from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just
    hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
    has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of
    fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

    The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
    minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the
    new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
    What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  2. #2

    rman's Avatar
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    Think You're Secret Agent Material?


    Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.''
    The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.'' The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says. The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  3. #3

    Graphite's Avatar
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    Cough, cough...

    http://www.macfora.com/forums/showthread.p...5&pagenumber=10

    #140

    still funny tho.

  4. #4

    rman's Avatar
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    Talking
    Graphite, I had another version where there was two men and a woman. I could not find it, so I borrowed yours.

    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  5. #5

    rman's Avatar
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    Talking
    Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
    One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
    She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?".

    The 94 year old yells back 'I don't know. I'll come up and see."
    She starts up the stairs and pauses.
    Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
    to her sisters. She shakes her head and says
    "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood
    for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of
    you as soon as I see who's at the door."
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  6. #6

    rman's Avatar
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    Talking
    A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
    monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
    are copying copies, and not the original books.

    So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points
    out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
    continued in all of the other copies.

    The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
    but you make a good point, my son." So, the senior monk goes down into
    the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
    Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs
    to look for him.

    He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old
    monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's
    wrong. "The word is celebrate," says the old monk.
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  7. #7

    Graphite's Avatar
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    either way, at least now i know people are reading what i post in macfora

  8. #8

    rman's Avatar
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    Talking
    God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and
    green and yellow Vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
    long and healthy lives.

    And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent
    double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with
    that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained pounds.

    And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
    that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth
    chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And
    woman gained pounds.

    And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth
    creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice
    cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

    And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
    with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak
    so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad
    cholesterol went through the roof.

    And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those
    extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so
    Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
    And Man gained pounds.

    And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

    And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
    brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and
    sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he
    created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the
    potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

    And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...!

    And Satan created HMOs...

    And God created the Mac (but Steve took all the credit). And Satan
    created the_______________...
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  9. #9

    Fluid's Avatar
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    :lol: :lol: Good ones. i have some but let's just say they aren't PG-13.

    Fluid@Mac-Forums.com

  10. #10

    rman's Avatar
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    Talking
    I am trying not to cross that line.

    :lol:
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  11. #11

    rman's Avatar
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    Unhappy
    Test results:

    Mrs. Smith went to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
    results. The Lab Tech said to her, "I'm sorry ma'am, but there has been a bit of a
    mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent samples from your husband to the
    lab, the samples from another Mr. Smith were sent as well and we're not sure
    which one is your husband's results. Frankly, it's either bad or terrible!"

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, one Mr. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other for
    AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

    "That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"

    "Normally, yes. But, you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
    expensive tests more than once."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
    If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  12. #12

    rman's Avatar
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    The ticket

    A farmer got pulled over by an Alabama state trooper for
    speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer
    about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight
    around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
    ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some
    flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said,
    "Having some problems with circle-flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well,
    yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle-
    flies."

    So the farmer says, "Well, circle-flies are common on
    farms. See, they're called circle-flies because they're
    almost always found circling around the back end of a
    horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
    ticket.

    Then, after a minute, he stops and says, "Hey...wait a
    second, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
    for law enforcement and police officers to even think
    about calling you a horse's ***."

    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes
    back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them
    flies, though."
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  13. #13

    rman's Avatar
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    These three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk,
    and wake up in
    jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning,
    though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

    The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any
    last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I
    believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

    They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not
    want this guy to die and they let him go.

    The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the
    University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of
    justice to
    intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again
    nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let
    him go too.

    The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical
    Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute
    nobody if you don't connect them two wires.
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

  14. #14

    Graphite's Avatar
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    keep em comming

    you should put some of these in the thread in macfora, they are good.

  15. #15

    rman's Avatar
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    Arthritis...

    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
    priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
    and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
    opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father,
    what causes arthritis?"

    "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
    much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
    prostitutes and lack of bath."

    "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
    "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
    arthritis?"

    "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
    Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain!

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