12-15-2008, 03:13 AM
So I'm supposed to move back up north to Rhode Island on Tuesday. It's 1:50AM and my anxiety is running haywire because I'm so nervous.
When I moved down to Florida a year ago, the primary reason for me moving was the fact my father was horribly grief-stricken over losing his wife (My stepmother) to cirrohsis of the liver at age 45. My father was like my best friend to me and he had nobody down here, so I moved down here to be with him.
I'm not going to lie, the first 4 months of me living here were some of the best times of my life- My anxiety and other unmentionable health problems (Hey you don't want to read about my IBS trust me lol.) all but disappeared and for the first time in about 2 years, I was happy. Of course all of my health problems came back into full swing after I introduced my father to my now NEW stepmom (O joy...) . But he told me he's happy being with her, so I guess I succeeded there.
I think when I lived in Rhode Island after I moved back up in 2006...I think of how I almost killed myself with drugs and alcohol and my agonizingly long, painful, exhausting and degrading climb to being halfway normally healthy. You never forget things like that and I know it'll be with me for the rest of my life. However I know how to keep myself normally healthy now and it includes A LOT (about 1 gallon a day) of water. Even though I know things will be different now, it's still scary...Ya know? Well...Probably and hopefully not in that aspect...=\
I'm blessed that the best woman I ever had in my life really wants to give me and her another shot again. It's kinda funny....I tell people I live my life with no regrets...Even the whole drugs and booze thing...I don't regret...But leaving *her* for my ex was the only thing I have ever regretted in my life. Of course I'm insanely nervous about seeing her. :x
Then there's school. Yeah I'm going to be going to one of the best automotive schools in the country and man it's scary...I mean it just kinda hits you randomly...I remember reading the automotive engineering course overviews and it just hit me - in 18 months I'm going to be a big boy...I'm going to be on my own again and this time for good, for the rest of my life..It's cool and scary at the same time.
Then there's my beloved Jaguar. I don't have as much confidence in her returning back up north as I did when I left for Florida. Yeah the only thing that has gone wrong with her in a year is the V-Belt breaking on her on Thursday and that was because I overtightened it like a retard. *knocks on wood* It's still scary regardless driving a foreign car through North&South Carolina, Georgia, Virginia and Maryland when you're not around the big cities. Also add in the fact I'm rolling with only $450 to my name and it can keep ya up at night.
I guess it's just me being reminiscent about the time I've spent in Florida. Of course I know there's nothing left for me here in Florida and I know everything happens for a reason...But I still think about everything I've experienced down here. I guess I'm just satisfied that I've found someone for my father. When I moved down here, I really feared for my father's life....The man was walking a tightrope of being suicidal and now he's very happy. It's kinda crazy how everything worked out..I mean I couldn't find a job for the life of me and the only place that FINALLY hired me was Wal-Mart. I met my now step-mother in the Wal-Mart salon because I needed my mohawk touched up. I told her about my dad, and my dad about her, etc...*Shrugs* Maybe it was the reason for me somehow, inexplicably not getting jobs, dating SANE women, finding friends that WEREN'T either ghetto or white trash, was to find someone for my dad? I dunno...Regardless I'm nervous about the move on Tuesday but I'm gonna try to get some sleep...Keyword : TRY.