Is it wrong to hold a grudge?

How long is too long before you give someone another chance to gain your trust? What if this isn't just a second chance, but more of a 3rd or 4th?

I'd give more info, but it feels weird telling it on a message board

What's weird about it? Think about it... you'll probably never meet any of us in real life... and we aren't going to think less of you. The thing they did really matters. If they stole your gum 4 times... just steal theirs If they tried shooting you with a real gun 4 times... now that's a different story.

yeah it really depends, my ex girlfriend is holding a grudge against me and not talking to me for absolutely no reason at all, (what ever the reason was for us to break up), and its driving me nuts... but one of my friends isn't talking to me because of an argument we had and I know we need to not talk for a while.

so the situation really matters.

Sounds like a hassle. I would dump that.

That is just me though.

PowerBookG4 said:

yeah it really depends, my ex girlfriend is holding a grudge against me and not talking to me for absolutely no reason at all, (what ever the reason was for us to break up), and its driving me nuts... but one of my friends isn't talking to me because of an argument we had and I know we need to not talk for a while.

so the situation really matters.

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That happened to me except it wasn't even my GF... just a friend. Her friend was getting jealous I was talking to her and then started making up crap. Eventually, they both started ignoring me. Annoying, let me tell ya.

The situation does matter, but if all is forgiven, and someone is really sorry, then I would say it is somewhat wrong to hold a grudge.

ecodisk said:

How long is too long before you give someone another chance to gain your trust? What if this isn't just a second chance, but more of a 3rd or 4th?

I'd give more info, but it feels weird telling it on a message board

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Not being foolish enough to trust someone who has deceived you on multiple occasions is NOT the same thing as holding a grudge. As George W. Bush would say: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

LOL...

HAHA... o my... thanks for the one laugh for today.

cwa107 said:

Not being foolish enough to trust someone who has deceived you on multiple occasions is NOT the same thing as holding a grudge. As George W. Bush would say: "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

LOL...

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Hahahaha, I love that video of him.

But I do agree with the first one. Trust and grudge are different.

Exactly - trust and grudge are different. As far as they grudge part goes: how long would you want them to hold a grudge against you? Additionally, grudges are internal cancers that really do not affect the other person. As far as chances go - sounds like they have had a lot already.

mmmkay, I'll explain what's going on since people here seem mature

While growing up a certain family member was ummm, "dirty". Eventually he decided to clean up his act after everyone refused to talk to him. He was clean for awhile, but eventually went back to square one. Stole from me every day. Almost screwed over my chances of graduating from high school because of him managing to get us evicted, which led to my family needing to move in with my great grandparents in the middle of nowhere. I haven't talked to him sense.

Now this person has been "clean" for about a year, and is actually going to school for once. Other people in my family are keeping in touch with him, and now he wants to talk to me, but last time I let my guard down I almost lost everything I had. I know me rejecting the idea of ever hanging out again isn't helping him stay clean, but last time I thought this way...yeah.

My dad's side of the family is like that. One recently out of prison... one recently out of a mental hospital. Way too much too explain here, I could write 3 pages of the stuff that happened with him. But he is out now and started calling my dad to visit and such. He visited and he seems MORE normal, not NORMAL though. And before that though, he was crazy and lived in our house while he got divorced, so we went through the same stages a few times. I guess it's not bad to give another chance so he can stay clean. But beware whenever/if you invite him over to your house to hide your mac and ipod and such. And check your pockets! Just monitor him and eventually he should get better.

ecodisk said:

mmmkay, I'll explain what's going on since people here seem mature

While growing up a certain family member was ummm, "dirty". Eventually he decided to clean up his act after everyone refused to talk to him. He was clean for awhile, but eventually went back to square one. Stole from me every day. Almost screwed over my chances of graduating from high school because of him managing to get us evicted, which led to my family needing to move in with my great grandparents in the middle of nowhere. I haven't talked to him sense.

Now this person has been "clean" for about a year, and is actually going to school for once. Other people in my family are keeping in touch with him, and now he wants to talk to me, but last time I let my guard down I almost lost everything I had. I know me rejecting the idea of ever hanging out again isn't helping him stay clean, but last time I thought this way...yeah.

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I wouldn't have anything against talking to him, hanging out with him, etc. With that said, I wouldn't have him in my house or near any of my valuables until he has demonstrated to be trustworthy for at least 5 years or more. JMO...

Mistakes are to be made. Clearly he has learned from them. He wouldnt be human if he didnt make mistakes to learn from. Pain has its uses. Its something to learn and grow from. Obviously he has learned something from it all.

To me it sounds like that he has learned a bit. But if you dont trust him, that seems something to not be ashamed of, but I wouldnt suggest holding a "grudge" against this person, as if you hate or despise him. But we are not in your situation, and would never truly know how you all feel/act/say/every little detail that has happened. So take what people tell you here with a "dash of salt"

What is this trust thing you speak of? ;D

You could also use yourself as a tool to keep him from doing anything, by not talking to him and this would show how badly he effects people with his actions and that they have lifelong consequences, which would be one way of trying to make sure he never does it again. Personally if you are going to talk to him I wouldn't do it so soon, it is far to easy to crack again at this stage in the process.

cwa107 said:

I wouldn't have anything against talking to him, hanging out with him, etc. With that said, I wouldn't have him in my house or near any of my valuables until he has demonstrated to be trustworthy for at least 5 years or more. JMO...

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Couldn't agree more. I have 2 friends like this and I keep giving them just enough rope to hang themselves. If he seems to have really changed I would give him a chance but cut ties and the first sign of trouble. Good luck, hopefully all will work out for the best.

PapaNoHair said:

Additionally, grudges are internal cancers that really do not affect the other person.

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That all depends on how you cary the grudge out...

A similar thing happened to me. My Dad went onto meth for the second time in 8 years and cheated on my mom for the third time.Three divorces too. High school was pretty much a living mess because of all this turmoil. I was pretty peeved needless to say. I didnt speak to him for almost a year. I think it helped him getting all ties with his family cut. Woke him up if you will. About three months ago he came back into town and the change has been quite dramatic. He's off the drugs and holding down a job. He seems to be striving to change. He's moved back in with my mom and has treated her like a queen. I think he's finally changed. I dont want you to think I am looking for pity or anything. Far from it. I hate talking about my personal life. I just want you to know your not alone in these.

Long story short sometimes it takes losing everything to realize what you had. I'd say give your family member a chance but at the same time be a little leery about their actions. Keep an eye on them and watch how they conduct themselves. That will show you wether or not they have truly changed. Keep your valuables in a safe place and just hang back and watch.

Good Luck